How To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum Guilt
How To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum Guilt
Feeling guilt as a mother is surprisingly common. Most often thinking we’re not with our kids enough or that we’re getting it wrong. Add to that, thinking we’re not Instaworthy or comparing what friends are doing, and we have a problem!
When I was first at home with chronic illness I’d do more than I should because I felt I wasn’t a good enough mum. This would make me feel physically worse and anxious. The biggest adjustment is my own expectations of a mother's role.
I’ve since worked on being more mindful by journaling about my feelings, such as missing family time or comparing to other mums. This has given me strength to squash meltdowns by not listening to the evil guilt goblin sitting on my shoulder.
I’m sharing my experience and understanding of how mum guilt causes anxiety.
What is Mum Guilt?
Common Concerns Mother’s Have
7 Practical Ways To Overcome Guilt Meltdowns
Conclusion
I’m not a medical professional, this is my personal opinion. Some activities may trigger mental health conditions and I discuss anxiety and depression. See a professional if needed. Please see my full medical disclaimer on the policies page.
What Is Mum Guilt?
Mum Guilt is a term used to describe the inferiority a mum can feel. Guilt is described as a feeling of worry or unhappiness, explaining why so many mums feel this way. But guess what? Mums aren’t perfect, so all mums feel guilty at times, real or not.
Mum guilt is most often experienced by working mums. But it’s as pervasive, if you live with anxiety or depression or have a chronic illness or disability. If your needs hold you back in your parenting role, you can feel guilty. So I wrote this poem.
I don’t have it all sussed regarding mum guilt. But I’ve learnt not to worry about what may have been and focus on what I’m feeling now. I find it hard not to be with my family so a lack of control when I have a bad day makes it hard to put anxiety aside.
My boys were 10 and 11 when I became so unwell I needed support. I felt unable to do what I saw as the role of a mother. I felt I was doing ‘it’ wrong and the ‘I shoulds’ held me hostage in a dark place where I had no control. Anxiety took the wheel!
I’ve worked really hard to manage my anxiety so it couldn’t take full control over me and eclipse what I needed to focus on to be the best mum I could. Download my free anxiety busting exercise guide with amazing grounding techniques to reduce anxiety below.
The pressure we put on ourselves to be the best is a big factor but we can’t be perfect. If you're worrying about this, then you’re a great mum already. Yes your kids need you to be there but ultimately they need you to be you!
Common Concerns Mother’s Have
All mums have at least one of the concerns below and I’m sure there are many others. If your actions ensure your child is protected, you don’t need to worry. If you are, offload to your trusted circle to help you deal with any negative feelings.
Feeling torn between working or staying at home
If you’re neglecting the kids by looking after yourself
Trying to keep the house clean and tidy
Missing the child’s milestones
Having high expectations of yourself
Getting cross with them when it’s not their fault
Not knowing what your role is
Spending time with your kids
If the kids are active and healthy enough
If they have consistent boundaries
What your child eats and drinks
If you have a flare or go in to hospital
What you put on hold to be a mum
Not being able to play because of pain
If we bury how we feel about these concerns we may react strongly unexpectedly. The intensity of this can send you into meltdown so we need to be mindful of our self-talk. Find out more by listening to Brené Brown’s Book - The Gift of Imperfection.
The high expectations I have of myself despite being ill, means I can miss that guilt goblin manipulating my self-talk. I’m more aware of him sneaking past my protection and can interrupt him before it leads to an anxiety attack.
7 Practical Ways You Can Beat Mum Guilt Meltdown
Having practical ways to beat mum guilt will help you avoid meltdowns. Being more mindful of these thoughts and emotions can help you have more balance in your life.
1. Have a process for dealing with your emotions
Your personality type and parenting style will direct how you work through your feelings. Having a method at your fingertips to use you can break the cycle of negative thinking. Here are a few ideas for processing these thoughts.
Journaling - write your thoughts but find a positive note to end on.
Change perspective - look at it from a neutral viewpoint, what do you see?
Let yourself feel by doing a visualisation. Read about these meditations here.
Be present - what behaviours do you notice? What’s triggering them?
Write a note or record a voice memo of 3 things you’re grateful for.
Distract yourself with short mantras or activities like grounding techniques.
2. Listen to your child
This may sound obvious but I mean actively listening. To do this:
Give your child your full attention by stopping what you’re doing.
Look at your child as they speak.
Let them talk at their own pace even if it’s tempting to get on with housework.
When they finish, repeat what they said back to them.
Add details about how they might be feeling and why.
If you and your child aren't used to this practice, you could role-play it beforehand so your child knows what you’re doing. For more information on active listening read this article.
If you’re struggling with this concept, imagine how you feel when you can’t get your point across. You’d feel frustrated at not being heard and despair of it when you get unwanted advice instead of empathy.
3. Search for the source
Finding where your feelings of guilt come from can be a game changer. It isn’t a one and done solution, it will take you working at it! Having a solution focused approach means you don’t get stuck on the problem as you’re working to solve it.
Read more about using a solution focused approach in my blog about strategies for coping with anxiety. Take these steps to start you off.
Relax and think about your strengths as a mum.
Write or draw about your qualities as a mum and what your day looks like.
Highlight 1 or 2 problems and all the positives you have.
Create a goal for one of these problems based on your strengths. Break the goal down into steps to work on over time.
Our parenting is shaped by our childhood, often wanting to improve on or avoid negative memories. We were aware of this but my brain disease led to a breakdown of communication but we restored this and developed resilience and empathy.
My chronic illnesses affected how we worked together as parents. We went to family therapy which shaped our new approach of active listening and being solution focused. We developed a teamwork approach, making celebrating wins priority.
4. Stop comparing yourself to other mums
The way most of us share our lives on social media, with mums showing images of a perfect life and creating a page for their littlies. Most only show rainbows and smiles with ‘DM to collab’ info. I’m not knocking this, it’s a great if you want that.
Even without social media we’ll compare our parenting to others but comparisonitis is at dangerous levels. The pressure about how we look and act as a mum has been linked to the steep rise in mental health problems.
We need to be mindful of our behaviour around other mums and conscious of the message we’re sharing when we post on social media. Instead of forcing your lifestyle on others, lift each other up, sharing each other’s joy. Don’t be that mum!
5. Declutter for less pressure
I do a self audit a few times a year to protect myself. When I became ill, I let people in who hurt me, people I thought understood me and chronic illness. This increased my anxiety levels and I’m still wary. Ask yourself these questions every 2-3 months:
Who has been there to support me recently?
Who have I contacted and not heard back from?
Have I checked to see if they’re okay?
Have friends with chronic illnesses been mutually supportive?
How long has it been since hearing from long term friends?
Have those you’ve confided in been there?
Think carefully before taking action, remembering some people don’t know how to handle chronic illness. Can you show them? To beat mum guilt your circle needs to be trusted and give honest advice.
Text those you believe to be trusted friends, check they’re okay. Chronic illness or mental health problems can make us forgetful so be sure your decisions are solid.
Narrow your trusted circle to your partner, supportive family members, a few proven friends and your doctor/therapist
Remove friends on social media and who don’t support you or your family or haven’t engaged with you.
Delete phone contacts who you haven’t heard from in 12-18 months.
This collection of books are available from The Book Depository. I recommend these for building self-esteem and a sense of purpose. Using journaling exercises and reading to understand your purpose and role, will help you beat Mum guilt.
6. Be kind to yourself
Either heading back to work after maternity leave, being a stay at home mum and/or have chronic illnesses or mental health problems will leave you conflicted. Working late or staying in bed has repercussions but this is the time to be kind to yourself.
Remove ‘should’ from your vocabulary! Caring what others think you should be doing with your child, takes away from what you offer uniquely as their Mum. Know that you are enough and belong as a loved mother to your child.
We were never meant to raise children single handed so reach out for support. If you can’t play during a flare, it’s okay. If you use a childminder, it’s okay; you deserve a break. You’re worthy of being the best mum for your kids and to be loved for that!
7. Allow yourself time for you
You were someone before you were a mum, and that person is still relevant. You’re the glue that holds everything together, even if someone else adds the sticky tape, so you need to be healthy. Mum guilt can stop you taking care of yourself.
I remember the guilt being amplified when I had depression and anxiety from grieving the life I’d had. I was so hard on myself for it but 6 years on, my kids don’t remember, Time for yourself is a priority and I don’t mean 5 minutes in the loo on your own.
You deserve spa treatments and meeting up for coffee without the kids. You deserve weekends away, date nights and a long soak in the tub. Being a mum is hard so you need balance. You need to enjoy the sun, laughter, sticky hands and puddle jumping.
Conclusion
Guilt is something I've carried all my life but letting myself feel it has shown my strength. I've worked hard by using my techniques for coping with anxiety. The more I focus on my strengths as a mother I can beat any meltdowns the guilt goblin brings.
My life coach has helped me work through my mum guilt. As a mum you need to be memory maker, entertainer, caregiver and chief giggler. Carrying guilt can stop you being these.
Limiting the influences in my life is a work in progress but taking control of it has helped when my anxiety is high, helping me beat mum guilt meltdowns. This includes time for pursuing my own interests because my children need me to be happy.
Now my boys are older, they can talk to me about their feelings because we’ve made this a priority so we can all feel heard. This has ensured they know I love them unconditionally which in turns shuts the guilt goblin up and helps you beat your guilt.
I can help you do this with my free wellbeing planner that’s perfect for this. Sign up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list for access to this free download by clicking below.
This can help you feel valued by your family and even more so, yourself. You want your kids to accomplish their dreams and beat things holding them back. Who better than you to be a role model for drive and resilience in pursuing their passions?
What makes you feel guilty? Tell me in the comments.
Remember that if you're asking about mum guilt, you don't need to worry. You are a good mum!
Stay safe,
L 💜
P.S I can help you beat mum guilt by creating personal wellbeing strategies using my free wellbeing plan. This will help prioritise your own needs, such as building self-esteem and making time for self care or doing the things you love. Or if you want to be on the waiting list for my Journey To Balance Journal, sign up to my mailing list at the bottom of this page. ⤵️
✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬆️ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance - there's an image for you!