Strength Of Tears

Category: well-being

  • How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

    How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

    How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

    View fullsize

    How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being ActivitiesHow we feel as a mum often has a direct impact on our family. If we’re happy and playful then our kids usually are. But life isn’t all happiness and laughter. Sometimes we will feel sad, angr…

    How we feel as a mum often has a direct impact on our family. If we’re happy and playful then our kids usually are, if we’re calm then our kids are often calm. But life isn’t all happiness and laughter. Sometimes we will feel sad, angry or unmotivated. 

    So yeah, you’ve guessed it, if you feel down in the dumps or angry then that’s probably going to affect your kids. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s about being realistic not to make you question your mothering. It’s perfectly normal for us to experience a spectrum of different emotions. 

    Life’s hard for us all at times but some of us may be feeling anxious, depressed or having a high pain day, all of which may leave you feeling snappy or despondent. Trying to make yourself happy isn’t realistic so allow yourself to feel this way. It’s okay not to be okay, the key is knowing how to respond to these feelings. 

    “Feel the feeling but don’t become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it.”

    — Crystal Andrus

    As you can’t change any of this you need to communicate with your children and other family members how you’re feeling, and they need to do the same thing! It’s hard to communicate our feelings whether we’re 8 or 80 but the younger we are the harder it is for us to even understand what we’re feeling. 

    Have you experienced having no idea why you suddenly feel super grumpy. Think about how this must feel for young children who struggle to even name their feelings. This is one of those times when you have to take action with your family for it to benefit you completely. 

    This blog has 5 emotional well being activities that can be made cheaply. These activities are things that I’ve used in schools when teaching 4-7 year olds and children with special educational needs or disabilities (SEND). Or we’ve used it as a family to improve our communication skills. 

    View fullsize

    This post contains affiliate links for sensory play resources

    These 5 emotional well-being activities are for you to try with your family: 

    1. Mindfulness Moments – Take 5 for some deep breathing, relaxing music etc.

    2. Coping Cards- Use colours or numbers to rate a problem and match to a coping skill.

    3. Calm Down Kit – A way to manage emotions, build self esteem and keep calm.

    4. Feelings Jar – A way to understand and cope with the world of mixed emotions.

    5. Feelings Tracker – A colour coded system to see if there are any patterns to how you’re feeling.

    I’ve chosen these 5 activities for a small budget and explained how to use them with children and if necessary how to adapt them for teens and adults, so you can use them as a family. You can add these to a routine easily by using my well-being planner. Download this for free by signing up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list.


    Download My Free Planner

    Five Emotional Well-being Activities

    1. Mindfulness Moments

    There are many ways to practice mindfulness during the day for all family members. Many of us struggle to stay calm when our children misbehave or are being so loud you can’t think. We easily lose our cool and can then make a bad call and overreact with punishment that could dismiss a child’s feelings. 

    “Everyday in a hundred small ways our children ask, ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter?’ Their behaviour often reflects our response.”

    — L.R Knost

    These simple activities can help you regulate your child’s behaviour. However, self regulation is usually developed in childhood, when we learn to control impulses and develop a toolkit to reflect our feelings. Learn these exercises for mindfulness with your child so the whole family can grow.

     What You Need: 

    • A quiet space

    • 5 minutes

    • Timer

    • An outside space such as a garden, park or quiet street

    • Colouring pens

    • Colouring book (see below) 

      • Deep Breathing – Sit comfortably and put your hands on your tummy. Take a deep breath in and blow up your tummy like a balloon. Then let all the air out. Repeat – breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Breathe in again but hold your breath with a big tummy. Count to 2 then breathe out. Repeat or use as a warm up.

      • Get Active – Go outside and run in a big circle for 1 minute (use a timer or stopwatch), kids need to stay where they can hear your instructions. Stop and reach to the sky on tiptoes. Then do 10 star jumps. Stop and curl up in a ball. Do 5-10 hops per leg. Stop and stretch wide like a starfish. Repeat with similar actions, using the stop and start pattern.

      • Body Scan – lie down comfortably with eyes closed and imagine the sun is warming you up all over. Focus that warmth on your feet. Imagine golden sunshine moving slowly up to your knees, warming your legs, hips and up through your torso. Move it slowly down each arm, pausing to let tension go.

      • Scavenger Hunt – Go out into the garden or down the street and give your children a few things to find. If you only have 5 minutes then give them something you know they’ll find. In autumn it could be leaves, cookers etc. Or choose things they see or touch, rather than collect, e.g. a red door or a tree. 

      • Laughing Yoga – (it’s fun not woo-woo) Sit comfortably and take 3 deep breaths in through your nose, flaring your nostrils. Then breathe out of a wide open mouth. Laugh as though you’re different animals e.g. squeeze your cheeks and nose to laugh like a hyena or scrunch your face to do a lion’s roar. 

      • Have a colouring book and sit with your child and colour whilst listening to calming instrumental music. Setting a timer can help you stay present. You could keep a sketchbook and draw lines, shapes etc. Check out these colouring books for children and adults.

    The Mindfulness Colouring Book : Anti-stress Art Therapy for Busy People

    Children’s Coloring Book – Confident You and Fantasy Drawings : Boost Self-Esteem and Creativity

    You can do all of these activities with your child or as a family. You can lengthen the time you spend doing these with older children or challenge yourself by adding more ambitious exercises or adding the body stretches in yoga. Expand your knowledge of breathing exercises and body scans by reading this meditation blog.

    2. Coping Cards

    Learning coping skills is a big task and varies widely as what works for someone will be different to someone else or even changed depending on the day. As children grow they’ll change and adults can probably skip some steps. Before creating your coping cards you’ll need to work with your child to see how they respond. 

    What You Need: 

    Firstly, set up a system using colours or numbers to rate each emotion. Paint tester cards are a great way to label, as you can show the steps towards the strongest emotion. If you don’t have these, you can create your own colour chart. 

    With young children use one feeling per card and label 1-5 (5 being strongest). Older children and teens can add more feelings, using similar words as shown. Discuss how to order them to show how they escalate. Adults can add these to a journal. 

    Start with five or six widely recognised feelings. With young children I’d use angry, happy, sad, excited, calm and scared. Positive feelings will help to show opposite emotions as what they’d want to feel after calming down. Ask your child what makes them feel this way. Choose a colour for each feeling. 

    Paint colour tester feelings description cards.jpg

    Once you’ve explored these feelings you can create the Coping Cards. Using categories on the downloaded checklist (linked above) to guide you, discuss what helps your child when they’re feeling sad, angry etc. Teenagers can use the checklist to do this themselves. 

    Help your child create a set of coping cards by matching a coping skill to each feeling. Children respond well to visual prompts, especially when they’re not coping, so take a photo or draw the activity they’ve chosen for each feeling. 

    1. Get a postcard or A5 sized card and fill out the top sections as shown, 

    2. Fill in the blanks with your child so they get another chance to talk about it. If your child is young you can use feeling emojis so they don’t need to read. 

    3. Add the image of the coping skill underneath. 

    4. If you can, laminate or cover with clear film so they last longer. 

    5. Repeat this for each coping card then punch a hole in the corner before connecting the cards with a split ring or treasury tag.

    View fullsize

    Emotions self regulation coping card template.Print onto a postcard or A5 sized card and fill in the blanks with your child so they get another chance to talk about it. If your child is young you can use feeling emojis so they don’t need to read. Ad…

    You’ll need to make everything easily accessible, such as props or toys to support your child’s plan, Teens and adults coping plans could be kept as a phone note, voice memo or in a journal, such as the one I’m creating for well-being. You can sign up to my Strong Mum’s Mailing List to be the first to know when this will be available. 


    Sign Up For My Well-Being Journal

    3. Calm Down Kit

    Once we’ve learnt to understand our different feelings we need to build up effective strategies for when strong emotions overwhelm us. By creating a calm down kit with emotional well-being activities, we can access our support system in challenging moments. Anyone can allow emotions to take over so these kits are for all ages.

    A calm down kit will look different for everyone but it will work best for kids when it’s personalised to their interests. The kits can be adapted as children grow and their interests change. They can be set up for specific emotions too, for example someone struggling with anxiety. Click here to read my anxiety coping strategies blog. 

    What You Need:

    • A box, bag or backpack for organisation

    • The coping cards you made

    • Any toys or items you’ve chosen for the coping cards

    • Items from the suggested list below

    • Feelings books as suggested below

    • An inviting, accessible area at home, read this article for great ideas

    Other items appropriate for your child or yourself as shown below.

    Top tip: get 2 to avoid any upsets.

    Add feelings books to your collection for exploring emotions when your child is calm.

    Children 

    All About Feelings By Felicity Brooks - For 3-7 years. All About Feelings By Felicity Brooks - For 3-7 years.

    Feelings: Inside my heart and in my head By Libby Walden - For 3-7 yearsFeelings: Inside my heart and in my head By Libby Walden - For 3-7 years

    What are Feelings? - Lift-the-Flap First Questions & Answers (Board book) By Katie Daynes - For 4-7 yearsWhat are Feelings? - Lift-the-Flap First Questions & Answers (Board book) By Katie Daynes - For 4-7 years

    Help! My Feelings Are Too Big!: Making Sense of Yourself and the World After a Difficult Start in Life: for Children with Attachment Issues By K.L. Aspen - For 9-12 years Help! My Feelings Are Too Big!: Making Sense of Yourself and the World After a Difficult Start in Life: for Children with Attachment Issues By K.L. Aspen - For 9-12 years

    A Book of Feelings By Amanda McCardie - For 3-7 years A Book of Feelings By Amanda McCardie - For 3-7 years

    Me and My Feelings : A Kids' Guide to Understanding and Expressing - 7-10 year oldsMe and My Feelings : A Kids' Guide to Understanding and Expressing - 7-10 year olds

    Your Emotions: I Feel Angry By Brian Moses - For 6-11 yearsYour Emotions: I Feel Angry By Brian Moses - For 6-11 years

    How are you feeling today? By Molly Potter - For 3-5 years How are you feeling today? By Molly Potter - For 3-5 years

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1604681127193_134015 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -15px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1604681127193_134015 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 15px; margin-bottom: 15px; }

    Teens

    These kits are a positive way to deal with behaviour from stressful situations. This helps us teach children to self regulate and develop their self awareness so they can pause between a feeling and reaction. This article explains the psychology and importance of self regulation.

    
    4. Feelings Jar

    After learning to self-regulate our emotions we discover the world of mixed emotions. We often experience so many emotions, it can be hard to break down everything we’re feeling. Learning how to respond to this is more complex. The Feelings Jar is an effective way to help kids who struggle to self regulate.

    When we were dealing with the huge changes my brain condition brought, we all experienced strong, mixed emotions. As parents in this state of mind, it was hard to make the right judgement call to help our boys self regulate. We were honest about our negative thoughts and used a window to represent the illness. 

    We screamed and shouted to release our feelings of being embarrassed, angry, scared etc. Once we’d done that, we opened the window to let the feelings go. We celebrated small wins with a positivity jar to remind us there were good feelings too. This wouldn’t work for everyone so I want to share the Feelings Jar idea with you.

    What You Need:

    • 2 clean jam jars

    • A Sharpie pen

    • Labels

    • Craft Pom Poms

    1. Draw equal lines of measurement up the side of each jar. Label each line with numbers 1-5. Use labels or coloured lids to show clearly which jar is positive and which is negative.

    2. Using your emotions colour system from the coping cards activity, sort the Pom Poms by colour to match both positive and negative emotions.

    3. Ask your child to choose one colour e.g. red for angry and fill the jar with Pom Poms up to the level (1-5) they’re feeling angry. Talk about what is making them feel like this as they fill the jar. 

    4. If the Pom Poms go over the level you’d expect, talk to them about how that emotion grew bigger than it needed to be. Repeat with positive feelings. 

    5. Then go back to the negative emotions jar. Ask your child whether they can take any Pom Poms out now they’ve focused on the positives. You can encourage them by making a game of throwing or “exploding” the pom poms.

    As our boys grew older we still prioritised time to talk about how they were feeling each day. This could be at a mealtime or after school. We started monthly family meetings to talk about the big picture. Doing this showed the boys how to handle big emotions and mixed feelings. These activities show your child their feelings are valid.

    5. Feelings Tracker

    A feelings tracker is a colour coded system to look for patterns in how you’re feeling. This is quite a common bullet journal activity and there are apps available to do this too. This is one of the emotional well-being activities you can use with children after  they’ve learnt to recognise different emotions. 

    Our emotions change depending on situations, our personality and temperament. Recording our feelings helps us identify behavioral patterns and give us insight into the way we think. To get accuracy you need to take time to reflect at the best time of day for you. Be specific about what, when and where you were. 

    What You Need: 

    • Coloured Pens

    • Paper, worksheet or bullet journal

    • Stickers (optional) 

    1. After deciding on how to record you’ll need to choose the colours which represent your emotions or what you decided in the Coping Cards section. 

    2. Add a labelled colour code for easy reference. 

    3. Each day record the date and time of your entry 

    4. Colour the section of your image or grid with the colour to show how you feel.

    5. Add information about why you or your child felt like this. 

    6. Make notes of what you were doing so you can compare habits

    7. Detail how the situation was dealt with so you can make comparisons.

    8. Regularly check your data to look for patterns about what makes you or your child happy, sad, anxious or excited. 

    Our habits could be adding to our feelings by helping us or hurting us. Tracking this can help us find what we need to change and know the support we need to do that. Another benefit of this is that you are being present and mindful whilst making these entries. We have the power to change and choose how we respond.

    25 Simple Messy Play Secrets To Delight Your Kids (1).jpg

    How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

    It’s perfectly normal for us to experience a spectrum of different emotions and due to the stress modern living puts on our brains, we are likely to experience anxiety or worry at some time. Many research projects have shown mindfulness is great at reducing this as these activities are based on being present and self aware. 

    It is hard for us to communicate our feelings at any age and our personality and experiences affect how well we understand what we’re feeling. These emotional well-being activities help us to understand basic and mixed emotions so we can regulate our responses. 

    Understanding how the positives can outweigh the negatives we feel, can calm the part of our brain that reacts with strong emotions. Our brains are wired to focus on negatives, which is why we’re more likely to worry or feel stressed. But we can rewire the brain by sending regular positive messages. 

    One of the most helpful things we can do as a parent is understanding how emotions influence our child’s behaviour. Exploring patterns in their emotions helps us make better judgements about the reactions we have, understanding helps us stay calm during challenging moments and empathise with how our child responds to stress. 

    The aim of these emotional well-being activities is to filter the negative feelings so we can be calmer. This helps regulate the information that goes to the part of the brain that helps us make good, sensible choices. By teaching and modelling self regulation you and your child will be able to temper your reactions to emotional situations.

    Stay safe,

    Laura 💜

    P.S. I can help you to work on the areas that you need to develop or help your child learn. My free well-being planner is perfect for this with a guide to help you work out what to prioritise.. Sign up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list for access to this free download here.


    Get your free download here

    How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being ActivitiesHow To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

    The Direct Way Emotional Well-Being Activities Can Stop WorryThe Direct Way Emotional Well-Being Activities Can Stop Worry

    EE206064-E219-47D7-86FE-3513E9D9200E.JPGEE206064-E219-47D7-86FE-3513E9D9200E.JPG

    The Direct Way Emotional Well-Being Activities Can Stop WorryThe Direct Way Emotional Well-Being Activities Can Stop Worry

    How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being ActivitiesHow To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

    How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being ActivitiesHow To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

    #block-8050075727503a545a79 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-8050075727503a545a79 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses. ⬆️ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you! 

  • 2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read

    2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read

    2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read

    2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To ReadAlong my self discovery journey, I’ve listened to 2 insanely good self awareness books that have helped me understand my feelings better. Braving The Wilderness By Brené Brown is her findings on v…

    Being self aware is one of those things that we all think we are but most of us journey through life without this understanding. I think many of us are aware of who we think we are, believing we have the qualities we see as important.

    “Self awareness: “good knowledge and judgment about yourself.””

    — The Cambridge Dictionary

    Self awareness is understanding your character, behaviour, thoughts, actions and feelings. As someone who’s had to adjust my life because a massive curve-ball, self awareness is something I’ve become fascinated with. Initially, I was dealing with so many emotions and constant pain so there was no room in my life for self study. 

    When I lost my vocation as a teacher I grieved the loss of the only thing I’d ever wanted to be, other than a mother. I’d put all my eggs in one basket so I completely lost my way, I had no awareness of my purpose. I loved being a mum but I knew enough about myself to know I needed more. 

    I worked so hard to prove to myself I wasn’t a waste of space and really struggled to let myself heal. So I turned to a life coach who helped me deal with the stuff I’d buried, understand my behaviour patterns and set myself goals to rebuild myself. Click here to read about this in my blog about fulfilment.

    Along my self discovery journey, I’ve listened to 2 insanely good books that have helped me reflect on my thoughts and behaviours. Both self awareness books have helped me understand myself and my feelings better so I wanted to share my thoughts on these books with you. 

    In this blog I’ll talk about: 

    • Psychology and Self Awareness 

    • Braving The Wilderness By Brené Brown 

    • Becoming By Michelle Obama

    • My thoughts on Growth and Self Awareness

    _Disclaimer this blog post contains affiliate links and any purchases made through such links will result in a small reward for me and my crafting habits. Oh and there’s some free recommendations too, Im nice like th - Edited.JPG

    Psychology and Self Awareness 

    In psychology, self awareness is in two categories. The first is subjective self awareness where we look at our behaviour from our own perspective, with the world evolving around us. The Objective Self Awareness Theory was defined in a study by Duval and Wicklund in 1972. 

    They defined objective self awareness as a person being self-focused or other-focused at any given time, and that when someone was ‘inward focused’ they were comparing themself to the standards from their environment. This leads to adjustments in thoughts and behaviours. 

    ““The more self-focused a person is, the more self-aware the person become”

    — Kori D. Miller

    Their work sparked many more studies as more questions arose around the standards we compare ourselves to. To know more about the psychological viewpoint of self awareness please click here to read this article.

    This interest has become popular with mindfulness and meditation growing considerably, alongside journalling to spend time on reflection. I write about 3 positive things in my journal every day, which helps me to take a pause. The next step is to have a standard for comparison..

    Personality tests are constantly being developed as a point of reference for self awareness. Today I took the Enneagram Type Indicator which has 9 types, each centred around an emotion. I came out as ‘The Perfectionist’, not surprisingly. To take this test click here.

    Braving The Wilderness By Brené Brown 

    Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth.jpg

    Brené Brown

    Buy Braving The Wilderness Here

    Click Here To Get The Book

    Brené Brown is a research professor and storyteller who studies courage, shame, vulnerability and empathy. Her Ted Talk on The Power Of Vulnerability is one of the most watched Ted Talks of all time and is what she’s probably best known for. I stumbled across this accidentally one day but had no idea how much this had blown up. You can watch it here.

    A few years later my life coach recommended this book to me. I listened to it on Audible and it just kept hitting home. This is the book that started my mini obsession with Brené who writes the most accessible, research driven Self Awareness Books I’ve come across. 

    This book’s subtitle, ‘The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone’, sings of storytelling. She starts the book with her own confession about feeling vulnerable as she embarks on writing something that may challenge long held beliefs. She draws you in with her personal touch as she tells the story of her findings. 

    Brené talks about her faith and how this made things difficult for her to belong at school, being in the wrong religion in a Catholic school for starters. For me faith is a very different thing and I wasn’t sure I could relate to her talking about her relationship with God and the church. However her story about her search for belonging is told so beautifully it isn’t alienating or preachy.

    ““We’re in a spiritual crisis, and the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection”

    But it’s that power of vulnerability that keeps pulling me back in as she talks about our tendency to get rid of or cover our pain, hoping that will make it go away. However, she found that the men and women she studied who leaned into joy, practised gratitude. This practice allows us to show our vulnerable moments of joy but without vulnerability there’s no courage to show up.

    Braving The Wilderness -Brené Brown vulnerability quote.png

    Braving The Wilderness

    By Brené Brown

    Get The Book On Audible

    Buy Braving The Wilderness By Brené Brown on Audible here

    Becoming By Michelle Obama

    2 Epic Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth 4.jpg

    Becoming

    By Michelle Obama’s

    Click To Buy This On Audible

    Michelle Obama’s best-selling autobiography isn’t what comes to mind when you think of self awareness books but her honest reflection on her life is enlightening. I don’t really need to introduce her as she’s one of the most iconic women of our time. 

    This memoir is an insight into her world and experiences that have shaped her. She speaks of her childhood in a small apartment within a bungalow in Chicago in a typical Black working class community. It was in a time of turmoil in America with riots sparked by the shooting of Martin Luther King Jr.

    I love her recollection of being asked on her first date by Barack, one warm summer evening. She recalls him politely asking if he could kiss her and at the moment everything became clear to her. She tells the reader that as soon as she allowed herself to feel anything, all the feelings came rushing; lust, fulfilment and wonder. 

    She talks openly about balancing her own work as a lawyer and being a mother. However, her honest revelations about her frustrations with Barack moving higher up the political ladder, was an uncomfortable read.

    In her words, he became a “human blur, a pixelated version of the guy I knew”. 

    As they ‘Become More’ with their move to The White House, she describes how suffocating she finds the windows that can’t be opened and the secret service everywhere. She complains about “the new heaviness” the presidency brings with it but at the end of those eight years, she returns to having time for reflection. 

    I loved listening to Michelle narrate the audiobook herself. Her voice is so calming to listen to and that calm, as she often references, is needed for true reflection. This audiobook won’t come up if you search for self awareness books but it’s inspired me to reflect on my own family life and how I’ve balanced motherhood and working. Read my blog about balancing life as a mum and that thing called mum guilt here.

    Becoming by Michelle Obama growth quote.jpg

    Becoming

    By Michelle Obama

    Click Here To By The Book

    Buy Becoming By Michelle Obama on Audible here.

    2 Epic Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth

    Whether you’re looking for self awareness books to reflect on the different aspects of yourself or you stumble across these books by chance, I highly recommend them both. They will both open your eyes to how aware you truly are and teach you the importance of taking time to reflect. 

    I mentioned earlier that many of us are aware of who we think we are. I was reminded of this when I took the Enneagram test, having to stop myself from giving answers for the qualities I may see as important, although these tests aren’t a competition, rather a tool for learning about yourself. Maybe self awareness is really about being brutally honest with yourself. 

    In Braving The Wilderness, Brené Brown makes you think about your feelings, your habits and your behaviors. This book certainly helped me have clarity on why being vulnerable was something I needed to give myself permission for. She makes sure you know that to guarantee your personal growth, self awareness is key. 

    In Becoming, Michelle Obama took me with her on her life journey, making sure I knew that the end of the book was not the end of her journey. She shows just how patient and persistent she was, is and will be in the future. She’s a role-model to so many and her honest reflections reinforce the importance of focusing on our own growth. 

    Both books talk about allowing yourself to feel. For Michelle this revolves around letting go as she begins to fall for Barack. With Brené it’s an understanding from her research that it’s okay to feel pain. Both of these circumstances rely on your vulnerability, even with one negative and one positive emotion. I love how both authors lead you towards this. 

    After reading these books I know I have to allow myself to be vulnerable so I can be self aware, I’ve learnt from these self awareness books that being vulnerable is not weak or restrictive and that in fact, it will help you uncover the truths that you’re looking for. The secret element to self-awareness is surely our ability to be vulnerable. 

    Stay safe

    Laura 💜

    P.S I can help you develop your self awareness focus with this free well-being planner. This is an opportunity to reflect on your habits and prioritise your wellness now. You can also make sure that you’re the first to know when my wellness journal’s launch date. Sign up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list for all this and much more.

    2 Epic Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth2 Epic Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth

    2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read

    2 Epic Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth2 Epic Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth

    2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1603397195880_69475 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1603397195880_69475 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!

  • 7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life

    7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life

    7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life

    7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling LifeDo you ever wonder if you’ll ever be able to realise your hopes and dreams? In this blog I’m sharing how I got into the right mindset for change to reach my personal goals. I had to understand what I do and…

    Do you ever wonder if you’ll ever be able to realise your hopes and dreams? Maybe you can’t be arsed with it all anymore. I get it, it’s hard work to even think about change when you’re dealing with life and all the shizz that goes with it. But have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe you could achieve more? 

    It would be so easy to just keep on doing what you do, when you live the frazzled mum life. But have you thought about not being such a hot mess Mum? Yeah you look great doing it but you could genuinely be as happy as a pig in shit clover! Aren’t you up for a challenge? Maybe hearing how I came to be that happy pig will help you. 

    My own experiences of being super stubborn meant that it was more like I’d face planted that shit clover at first. I damaged my own and my family’s well-being by being so stuck in my ways, but I was scared! When I started taking notice of my behaviour patterns, I knew I had to make some changes. 

    However, you have to be in the right mindset for change so I needed to do some work on that first. I reflected on past experiences to see what I do and how I act when I’ve achieved and when I’ve failed. I began to understand my behaviours and how this affected my happiness. I had to see my strengths and weaknesses so I could grow.

    I believe that we need to build the foundations of our well-being. Part of that is looking at our tools for personal development. We have to build and develop the skills we need to live a fulfilling life. In this blog I’m sharing how I got into the right mindset to develop the skills to reach my personal goals. The 7 skills are: 

    • Positive Thinking and Self Talk 

    • Setting Boundaries 

    • Building Healthy Relationships 

    • Managing Stress Levels

    • Being Self Aware

    • Drive For Learning

    • Emotional Resilience

    Affiliate links disclaimer. The items I recommend are only products that I love

    Mindset – What shapes you?

    It’s important to have a growth mindset when you go through change. For these skills to be effective tools for leading a fulfilling life, you need to establish an openness to learning. When I was a teacher I lived with anxiety, however, I would try to carry on as usual instead of learning coping skills. This affected my emotional well-being. 

    When I was diagnosed with IIH, a brain condition, I was so headstrong that I spent months crawling up my stairs each night. It would take me ½ an hour, with Joel behind me and the kids at the top of the stairs, all encouraging me as I cried out with each step. I was determined not to have a stair lift, refusing to give in to my illness.

    My stubbornness and denial fused together and I let my ego make the decisions, to my whole family’s detriment. Read more about why we suffer from being stubborn in this article. When I finally stopped fighting, I could focus on my emotional well-being and think more positively as I gradually developed my mindset for change.

    Your mindset is how you view the world from your unique standpoint. Your state of mind is based on what you see, think and believe; influenced by your personality, environment and circumstances. Your mindset is what shapes you and you can retrain the brain to be open to change and turn most negatives into positives.

    ““Love challenges, be intrigued by mistakes, enjoy effort, and keep on learning.””

    — Carol S. Dweck

    7 skills you need to lead a fulfilling life.JPG

    The Seven Skills 

    1. Positive Thinking and Self Talk 

    I generally think positively but when I was ill and undiagnosed, I became depressed. It took time but I worked hard on my insecurities through practicing self care. I journaled about the positives in my day and used affirmations. Positive thinking helped me rebuild my self esteem, changing my fears and doubts into hope.

    Occasionally old wounds reappeared and I’d slip back into negativity. I discovered Brené Brown and her study on the stories we tell ourselves. In this video clip she talks about recognising these stories. My own self-talk was a proper Moaning Minnie with crazily creative but false narratives which sabotaged my mindset. 

    Learning not to do this is an ongoing process but it’s so useful in developing self worth. I learnt to check myself if Moaning Minnie tried to get my attention. I’d work on understanding why I was feeling that way and ask myself if what I thought was true. Using a different perspective to look at my thoughts and actions is a powerful tool. 

    Mindfulness encompasses anything that allows you to be present and aware of your mindset. This includes anything that lessens the impact stress has on you. Meditation is a great opportunity to become more self aware and pairing it with gentle yoga helps you create the sense of calm needed to let go of what weighs you down. 

    Yoga also releases endorphins which play an important role in reducing negative emotions. You may see this as being a bit woo-woo, but in 5 minutes you can learn breathing exercises which will help your anxiety. Read how Meditation benefits me in this blog. These yoga pants and essential oil roll-on are great for relaxation .

    Neal’s Yard Remedies To Roll - Meditation Neal’s Yard Remedies To Roll - Meditation

    Marzipants Full Length Trousers - Black - Extra LongMarzipants Full Length Trousers - Black - Extra Long

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1602691273642_65091 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1602691273642_65091 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    Sign up to my Strong Mum’s Mailing List to get access to my free guide on meditation. Check out my free resources here.


    Get Your Free Resources Here

    2. Setting Boundaries 

    I’ve always had strong personal values and nothing sways me being honest, driven and supporting others. I’ve always worked around these core values, although I have others. When I was teaching I was very self aware and confident in how they fitted into my life.

    But having IIH tested me, when my self confidence wavered I became depressed. I’d put so much of myself into my teaching career, both with supporting the children’s learning and mentoring other teachers. But sitting watching TV all day left me feeling undervalued, this wasn’t the case, it was the stories I was telling myself. 

    As my treatment started to take effect, I was able to reflect on my values. I worked hard to reestablish my self-esteem but when I reflect on this hazy time, I realise I’d been caught in a loop of doing things for others instead of for myself. I reset my boundaries around this to make myself my priority, and no that’s not selfish! 

    To live a fulfilling life you need to know what you stand for and stick to it. If you know what you value, you can set boundaries around what you do, how you act and how you feel. If you haven’t considered your own values, it’s best to focus on a core of 3 or 4. Read this article to learn more about having core values.

    Daring to set boundaries - Brene Brown Quote.jpg

    3. Building Healthy Relationships 

    When I was younger I didn’t always make great decisions about the relationships I had in my life. When I met my husband Joel at university, we became friends first. He became someone I trusted and he’s shaped my life profoundly. I believe the strong foundations we’d built our relationship on, has helped us deal with my illness as a team. 

    On the other side of this, becoming ill made me question some of my closest friendships, some of these being in my life for years. I’d felt abandoned when I needed support during such an important time in my life. At first I was upset at how they treated me but Joel told me that these had never been two way friendships. 

    It quickly became apparent who my true friends were. I was so grateful to those who had the patience to keep up with conversations with me where I’d forget the point. My situation cemented bonds with newer friends who showed me that they had my back. I always knew I had their support during the hardest times.

    Relationships change as you evolve and some naturally drift apart. It’s important to keep relationships healthy by only making space for the friends who’ ve shown up for you. A healthy relationship is a two-way street, one you can trust in easily and feel confident in, so you can live a fulfilling life. 

    4. Managing Stress Levels 

    Having anxiety means it’s important to manage my stress levels. This means continual reflection on my part to understand what I can’t control and what I can change. Life during a pandemic has heightened my anxiety which is a shame as I’d been doing okay. However, I wouldn’t be human if this time hadn’t gotten to me. 

    My physical and mental health are very closely linked so I have to constantly remind myself to listen to my body and notice signs of stress. I didn’t recognise the unrealistic expectations I put on myself until I had time to reflect and adjust. I have to remind myself most people can’t function on the amount of pain medication I’m on. 

    To look after myself I needed to de-stress and I started to practice self care. Initially just the frilly stuff we recognise, such as pampering and treating myself. But as I learnt more about it I understood that I needed real self care. I started by arranging to talk to a professional about what was going on in my head. 

    I’m still learning to give myself a bit of a break. 

    We live in a busy mind world, trying to juggle everything, being connected and available 24/7. We need to lower our stress levels as our brain reacts to it as if we’re in danger, triggering the fight or flight response. Having the opportunity to be present is important for our happiness but even more so for us to be able to live a fulfilling life.  

    5. Being Self Aware

    Being self aware sounds like such a simple thing, but it comes alongside developing the first four skills. As it is, time on my own has given me the chance to develop an understanding of myself, much deeper than if I’d stuck to watching TV all day!

    I took up making jewellery which gave me time to be present. I developed a habit of daily reflection and realised that I’d always found it hard to say no to people. My boundaries blurred as I’d offer to help others at the detriment to my health. On the other side, I struggled to accept help too, So I made a plan to set myself boundaries.

    As I embraced developing these 7 skills, I wondered how my actions, thoughts and values had changed now that my life was so different. I’d be so hard on myself when I saw what others were achieving compared to me. I still do this but am aware of it so I remind myself that achieving anything at all in a day, is a win for me.

    Self-awareness is “the ability to see ourselves clearly to understand who we are, how others see us, and how we fit into the world around us.” Tasha Eurich.

    You will be conscious of your emotions, beliefs, passions and traits so you can compare this to  your own values. This skill can ultimately lead to a happier life as it’s value focused. 

    To aim towards being able to live a fulfilling life you can set yourself personal value based goals. To avoid stress and anxiety it’s important to write about them and talk to others who see you objectively. This makes you aware of how others see you meaning you’ll be able to have authentic relationships.

    “You do not find fulfilment by rearranging the circumstances of your life. You find it by being in touch with who you are at the deepest level and being an expression of that in the world.”
    ”

    — Melli O’Brien

    6. Drive For Learning 

    I’ve always been driven. As a teacher I’d push myself to keep learning to know I was doing my best. When pain took the wheel and I was too ill to work, I had to rethink my capability to learn. Despite my mushy brain, I started a blog alongside my online jewellery shop but I think my mindset was fixed and I felt the need to prove myself. 

    As the Laura we all knew started to return after my first surgeries, and I’d grieved my career, I started taking opportunities to seek challenges. I took online workshops learning marketing, how to hone my writing, how to take pro product photos and more. The results were finding my way to here and becoming a freelance writer.

    The biggest chance to grow came when I explored how to cope with the challenges that I now faced. With support I opened myself to healing from the emotional pain I’d dealt with for years. I learnt to be heart centred, putting my own well-being first for the first time in my adult life. 

    Your mindset is formed young, shaping your relationships with success and failure. Growth mindset is when you believe you can adapt, thriving on challenges and seeing failure as an opportunity to grow. You learn to value the process, not just the outcome, and do this for your own satisfaction rather than to receive praise from others. 

    7. Emotional Resilience

    I didn’t know what resilience meant until I was faced with waking every day to the same pounding head, ringing ears and fatigue. Those evenings climbing the stairs took their toll on the whole family but they were there with me every step of the way. I had so much change to cope with that I chose to be stubborn and fight it all at first.

    My first surgery really tested our resilience as a family though; skull surgery kind of does that. As Joel waited with me at the hospital trying to hold it together, Youngest was looking out for his older brother, then just 9 and 11, who was having a total meltdown and didn’t know how to tell my Dad who was looking after them. This hit us hard. 

    As time went on and the surgeries kept coming, we all came together to help each other through it. My illness has affected my husband and boys as much as me. In family therapy we learnt how to communicate better, working as a team. We went on to develop coping strategies for change, building emotional resilience.

    Change and stress is part of life but you can develop emotional resilience by taking these steps: Build connections with the people who understand and support you; build an optimistic outlook, manage your thoughts and make you the priority in your life, mentally and physically. Read this article on developing emotional resilience.

    ““Failure is so important. We speak about success all the time but it is the ability to resist or use failure that often leads to greater success.”
    ”

    — J. K. Rowling

     How to Live A Fulfilling Life With Hope

    how to live a fulfilling life with hope.JPG

    If you’ve made it this far then I’m guessing that the challenge of being as happy as a pig in shit clover is one you’re willing to take on. Who knows, you could even realise those hopes and dreams that you’ve been trying to forget about, even if they look a little different than you first thought. Happiness isn’t worth it if there’s stress chasing it

    Most of us have everything materialistic we could want but we are living a global mental health crisis. We live the go-go-go lifestyle, chasing our dreams but we’re so stressed and overwhelmed that we don’t even stop to ask ourselves why! Our health, relationships, well being and quality of life suffers. 

    It’s not just me that lost touch with myself. Our awareness of the need to listen to our bodies, minds and hearts, when they are screeching at us to slow down and stop is seen as woo-woo. Well some of it is but some of it helps us cope with the change that we find so hard. We need to understand ourselves to stand any chance. 

    Sometimes change is worth the hassle of learning and shifting our mindset. This type of change is about reaching for our hopes and dreams, it’s worth it. This is happiness as a whole where we feel alive and satisfied. This is happiness that allows you to jump in and thrive and live a fulfilling life.

    You can jump on this ride whenever you’re ready. There’s no height or weight limit but you do need to work for it, just not running at full speed 24/7 as you’ll be too stressed. When all the foundations of your basic needs are sorted, start with one simple goal of being more reflective. Then you can work on these seven skills. 

    These skills will last you the rest of your life and change how you think, act and react. Imagine a more positive, calm and resilient life. Where you’re aware of your own worth and set the boundaries you need to stick to your values. You’ll have the people in your life who support you in every opportunity you take.

    Fulfilment won’t just show up and disappear, it’s a feeling that warms you to your bones and makes you feel at ease. It will make you feel alive as you go through the rollercoaster of life. Fulfilment is a potion that drips into your bloodstream making you feel enough, more than enough.  

    So why not set aside the idea that your dreams will only happen if pigs could fly and learn these seven simple skills and make it happen. 

    My Recommended Reading List

    These books are my recommendations on this topic. The Poetry Pharmacy is a great when you need a boost. Daring Greatly is about transforming your life and Mindset is by Carol Dweck who pioneered Growth Mindset thinking. The beautiful cover of this journal is Klimt’s work called Fulfilment. I hope that they can support you in your own journey to fulfilment.

    The Poetry Pharmacy : Tried-and-True Prescriptions for the Heart, Mind and SoulThe Poetry Pharmacy : Tried-and-True Prescriptions for the Heart, Mind and Soul

    Daring Greatly -Brené Brown (Audio Book)Daring Greatly -Brené Brown (Audio Book)

    Klimt: Fulfilment (Foiled Journal)Klimt: Fulfilment (Foiled Journal)

    Mindset - Updated Edition : Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your PotentialMindset - Updated Edition : Changing The Way You think To Fulfil Your Potential

    #block-24a4f16ebd94bd4e9327 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -22px; }
    #block-24a4f16ebd94bd4e9327 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 22px; margin-bottom: 22px; }


    Get your free well-being planner

    Which of these skills are your strengths or weaknesses? Tell me in the comments.  

    Stay safe,

    L 💜

    P.S I can help you out yourself first by creating personal well-being strategies using my free well-being plan. This will help prioritise your own needs, such as building self-esteem and making time for self care or doing the things you love. Or if you want to get on a waiting list for updates on my first ever well-being journal, please sign up to my Strong Mums mailing list here

    7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life

    7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life

    How to Live A Fulfilling Life With HopeHow to Live A Fulfilling Life With Hope

    7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life7 Skills You Need To Live A Fulfilling Life

    How To Live A Fulfilling Life With Hope How To Live A Fulfilling Life With Hope

    #block-2d13e3308091461e9e46 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-2d13e3308091461e9e46 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!

  • Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned

    Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned

    Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned

    Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are BurnedThis October has hit me hard with one of those feelings so familiar: chronic illness relationships and trust. I believe we go through seasons of connections and I’ve been burned too many…

    This October has hit me hard with one of those feelings so familiar: chronic illness relationships and trust. I believe we go through seasons of connections and I’ve been burned too many times. So I’ve taken control before suffering any long term damage. 

    As Autumn brought in the harsh weather, I protected myself by starting the bonfire season early; burning the array of gorse and heather. This patchwork quilt of friends living with or without chronic illness, is in need of stimulation for regrowth. 

    These are my thoughts on the consequences of ending old relationships with friends and connections in online communities and changing up other relationships so I only have those that I need in my life.

    This is my first post joining in with the October link up hosted by Sheryl Chan of A Chronic Voice. Thank you to Sheryl for hosting this and I look forward to joining in. Please check out the other great posts in the link up.

    The prompts this month are: 

    • Producing

    • Acquiring 

    • Switching 

    • Disappointing 

    • Forming

    Producing

    This year has been hard on all relationships. Families aren’t used to spending this much time together, so time to reflect is more important than ever. Improving our weaknesses and celebrating our strengths makes us more productive. 

    Friendships are harder work, especially for those with chronic illness who have more challenges. Friendships fail in normal times because we cancel at the last minute, get unwanted advice or it’s too much work. When mine fail, they usually seem to fade.

    To me a good friend is one who produces some kind of chocolate when you see them or a great GIF online. With chronic illness in the middle, listening is key. Read this article to understand more about losing friendships when you live a chronic illness.

    This month I’m producing my first product to support mums with anxiety and chronic illness. I’ve been procrastinating over it and couldn’t work out why until hang-ups from old relationships triggered my anxiety. Read my blog about coping with anxiety here.

    Sign up to my Strong Mum’s Mailing List to get access to my free guide on grounding techniques to reduce anxiety. Check out my free resources here.


    Get Your Free Resources Here

    I’d reached out for support from one online community, but the response gave me flashbacks to the hurt I’d felt in old relationships. I didn’t know I was still harbouring so much pain; a small thing became a big thing and pushed me off my intended path. 

    I didn’t know why this had agitated me so much so I spoke to my husband about it. As we discussed my thoughts, I linked it to a past experience when Joel had had to communicate for me as it blew up rapidly. He protected me and I left that group. 

    Joel’s always there for me in times when I’ve struggled to cope. He’s shown such support for what I produce, especially on the blog. He’s proof that relationships can last the change of the seasons of chronic illness, by adapting and growing together.

    Joel and Laura.JPG

    _Disclaimer this blog post contains affiliate links and any purchases made through such links will result in a small reward for me and my crafting habits. Oh and there’s some free recommendations too, Im nice like th.jpg

    Acquiring 

    The expectation of acquiring peace from how I’d been treated in the past, didn’t last long. I remembered how I’d trusted blindly and sought out a confidante. It stung as I relived how they’d discarded me and then rewritten history, with me as the bad guy. 

    The betrayal I’d felt from the breakdown of this and other old relationships is more deep rooted than I thought it was. Read this article on how to actively deal with betrayal. I told Joel and my best friend, Sam, how I felt about both situations.

    They suggested that a group wasn’t the place for me to show such vulnerability. This hit home. I knew I’d let myself trust in a one sided relationship again. This felt like the rug being pulled from under me but I knew deep down that this wasn’t the same as before. 

    I’ve lost so many people that I thought I could trust since becoming ill. I know this happens when chronic illness makes the rules but I struggle to understand it. Saying that, I have acquired a deeper understanding of my role in friendships. 

    I put so much of myself into a relationship and I always put others’ needs before my own and this is a problem. This latest incident really has shown me that I need to put my needs first. So I’m acquiring a more balanced approach to online connections.

    Switching

    Taking time to reflect on these things is the most important way to grow and make better decisions. Learning from my mistakes and successes helps me switch up what’s working and what isn’t. 

    Understanding how old relationships have affected me when they die, has shown me I need to stick to my values. I’ll always be loyal, trustworthy and brutally honest at times but I need to place more emphasis on what I need to flourish. 

    So I’m switching up how much energy I put into the communities that I’m part of. I’m doing a relationship audit to ensure that I stick to the online groups I need and I’m actually being selfish and considering what I get out of being a part of each group. 

    I’m also switching up how I spend my time interacting in these groups. I have so little energy that I need to pace myself and in the past I haven’t done this well. This is where I’ve let myself become vulnerable; offering more to others than I should have. 

    This has left me in a position of weakness as I’ve spent time helping others and ended up with a low stock of energy for myself. This leaves me with so little time to create and now this is my business, I have to plan my time so I can be productive. 

    I’m going to make sure that my time is valued by those I share it with. So I’m switching up the time I spend in groups, focusing on new connections with other chronic illness bloggers, who can help me grow, and with frazzled mums I can give a voice to. 

    “There’s only one thing more precious than our time and that’s who we spend it on”

    — Leo Christopher

    Disappointing 

    As we go through the seasons of chronic illness we have disappointing periods. Our brains are wired to focus on negatives, which is why we worry about the things we didn’t do instead of what we achieved. Read about my chronic illness in this blog.

    I’ve been disappointed by so many people claiming to support me since I became ill:

    • The ‘best’ friends of 10+ years who’ve abandoned me because I couldn’t go out socially. 

    • The Carers I’ve allowed into nearly every aspect of my life, who ditched me for asking them to change how they did this or that.

    • The owners of the chronic illness group who gave me a ‘safe space’ and used what they knew against me.

    The spiny thorns of these old relationships cut so deep, I had a strong emotional reaction after showing my vulnerability again. Just like Gorse used to be treated, we should only have as many relationships as we can carry, to avoid over-exploitation. 

    I felt dismissed by the lack of understanding of how my IIH affects my understanding, leaving me exposed. It’s disappointing that I didn’t protect myself better. Choosing to use a ‘safe space’ again after my previous betrayal has been a harsh reminder. 

    But I needed to see this from a new perspective. My husband reminded me the group has evolved from its original cluster. I also had a long absence this year due to my new diagnosis, so new members don’t know me. It was disappointing but not harmful.

    I have trusted friendships within this group and from others who are important to me. Having relationships with others living with chronic illness is important. We both know where support is in hard times, so I’ll focus on these to avoid future disappointment

    “I was always fraught with guilt and it’s such a waste of an emotion. It keeps you out of the moments of being where you are”

    — Kyra Sedgewick

    Forming

    Despite all this disappointment I’ve been reminded of how lucky I am to have formed friendships with people I trust completely. As the unhealthy friendships weeded themselves out of my life, I discovered the friends that would always be there.

    Reminding ourselves that we don’t have to accept the negatives is vital. We can rewire our brains with positive messages, such as making a point of focusing on all of our wins, forming little nuggets of gold. These are my golden moments this October! 

    This Autumn I’m headed towards my 7th year of chronic illness, in the midst of shielding during the pandemic. This year I’ve been forming even tighter bonds with my trusted circle, despite the months that have passed without contact. 

    This Autumn is the 2nd with my carer/best friend. We see each other every weekday and it’s a form of therapy for us both. After forming a support bubble with Sam we’ve developed a relationship more like sisters, which will bring comfort in the months to come, 

    It isn’t just these old relationships that I can rely on. There’s support in many guises so my new focus is on forming new natural friendships within the groups I enjoy being in. It’s important that I stay protected but I need to have that social contact. 

    “Make new friends, but keep the old; Those are silver, these are gold.”

    — Joseph Parry

     A Lifetime Of Pruning To Reach The Friendship’s Buds

    a lifetime of pruning to reach the friendship buds.jpg

    It seems that over a lifetime of both new and old relationships; Autumntime is when we prune back what isn’t necessary to make way for the relationships that matter. This helps them grow better in the future months until they come to fruition. 

    I have gone through so many emotions, stemming from one small incident that I blew way out of proportion. Maybe we need these little fires so we learn that we need to protect ourselves and manage our expectations. 

    Having a brain condition is a constant journey. Maybe I spend my life on an avenue of disappointments, acquisitions and productivity, forming new pathways so I can switch up as I grow. This October will allow me time to choose where I head. 

    I know how lucky I am to have Joel in my life, especially as so many don’t make it through the tough times. I believe that being open to positivity and talking about what we want to achieve, as well as what we have, only strengthens our bond. 

    As I assess my connections to replace the dead wood and celebrate my companions, I’ll be surrounded by an arrangement of characters. I want to sense the myriad scents and colours of heathers and bright yellow buds of the gorse.

    I want to laugh with friends until our bellies ache, share sarcastically witty responses and give and receive comfort when sad or angry. I want us to be equally supportive, non-judgemental, loyal and honest to the core. I want to be a good listener and have fun.  

    I want to create strong foundations with new friends and build strength in my old relationships, whilst remembering to protect myself. I desperately want to hold a conversation without wandering off the beaten track and losing my destination.

    I want to head towards this harsh winter knowing I have friends and family I can rely on and make sure I’m a dependable friend for them in return. Maybe it takes adversity to find the real beauty in the relationships we have.

    My Recommended Reading List

    These books are what I recommend related to this topic. These show a range of relationships and I hope that they can support you in your own relationship problems or show you how to build stronger bonds in friendships or with your partner.

    What Remains By Carole RadziwillWhat Remains By Carole Radziwill

    You're Sick They're NotYou're Sick They're Not

    5 Love Languages Revised By Dr Gary Chapman5 Love Languages Revised By Dr Gary Chapman

    #block-518d9da750ab4c42bd40 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-518d9da750ab4c42bd40 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }


    Get your free well-being planner

    How are your friendships? Do you need to do a friend audit? Tell me in the comments.  

    Stay safe,

    L 💜

    P.S I can help you out yourself first by creating personal wellbeing strategies using my free wellbeing plan. This will help prioritise your own needs, such as building self-esteem and making time for self care or doing the things you love. Or if you want to get on a waiting list for updates on my first ever well-being journal, please sign up to my Strong Mums mailing list here

    View fullsize

    Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned

    View fullsize

    A Lifetime Of Pruning To Reach The Friendships Buds A Lifetime Of Pruning To Reach The Friendships Buds

    View fullsize

    Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned

    View fullsize

    Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned

    #block-e20598a00fa27bfedb2a .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-e20598a00fa27bfedb2a .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!

  • How To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum Guilt

    How To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum Guilt

    How To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum Guilt

    Feeling guilt as a mother is surprisingly common. Most often thinking we’re not with our kids enough or that we’re getting it wrong. Add to that, thinking we’re not Instaworthy or comparing what friends are doing, and we have a problem!  

    When I was first at home with chronic illness I’d do more than I should because I felt I wasn’t a good enough mum. This would make me feel physically worse and anxious. The biggest adjustment is my own expectations of a mother’s role. 

    I’ve since worked on being more mindful by journaling about my feelings, such as missing family time or comparing to other mums. This has given me strength to squash meltdowns by not listening to the evil guilt goblin sitting on my shoulder. 

    original_you-got-this-foiled-softback-notebook.jpg

    Click the image to buy this journal from Not On The Highstreet

    I’m sharing my experience and understanding of how mum guilt causes anxiety. 

    • What is Mum Guilt? 

    • Common Concerns Mother’s Have  

    • 7 Practical Ways To Overcome Guilt Meltdowns  

    • Conclusion

    I’m not a medical professional, this is my personal opinion. Some activities may trigger mental health conditions and I discuss anxiety and depression. See a professional if needed. Please see my full medical disclaimer on the policies page.

    _Disclaimer this blog post contains affiliate links and any purchases made through such links will result in a small reward for me and my crafting habits. Oh and there’s some free recommendations too, Im nice like th.jpg

    What Is Mum Guilt?

    Mum Guilt is a term used to describe the inferiority a mum can feel. Guilt is described as a feeling of worry or unhappiness, explaining why so many mums feel this way. But guess what? Mums aren’t perfect, so all mums feel guilty at times, real or not. 

    Mum guilt is most often experienced by working mums. But it’s as pervasive, if you live with anxiety or depression or have a chronic illness or disability. If your needs hold you back in your parenting role, you can feel guilty. So I wrote this poem.

    A Mum’s Heart Poem about Mum Guilt.jpeg

    Get your free wellness plan to balance your actions as a Mum and focus on making the best memories to reduce mum guilt. Click on the image to download.

    I don’t have it all sussed regarding mum guilt. But I’ve learnt not to worry about what may have been and focus on what I’m feeling now. I find it hard not to be with my family so a lack of control when I have a bad day makes it hard to put anxiety aside. 

    My boys were 10 and 11 when I became so unwell I needed support. I felt unable to do what I saw as the role of a mother. I felt I was doing ‘it’ wrong and the ‘I shoulds’ held me hostage in a dark place where I had no control. Anxiety took the wheel! 

    I’ve worked really hard to manage my anxiety so it couldn’t take full control over me and eclipse what I needed to focus on to be the best mum I could. Download my free anxiety busting exercise guide with amazing grounding techniques to reduce anxiety below.


    Get Your Free Download Here

    The pressure we put on ourselves to be the best is a big factor but we can’t be perfect. If you’re worrying about this, then you’re a great mum already. Yes your kids need you to be there but ultimately they need you to be you!

    “The very fact that you worry about being a good mom, means that you already are one.”

    — Jodi Picoult

    Common Concerns Mother’s Have

    All mums have at least one of the concerns below and I’m sure there are many others. If your actions ensure your child is protected, you don’t need to worry. If you are, offload to your trusted circle to help you deal with any negative feelings.

    • Feeling torn between working or staying at home 

    • If you’re neglecting the kids by looking after yourself 

    • Trying to keep the house clean and tidy

    • Missing the child’s milestones 

    • Having high expectations of yourself

    • Getting cross with them when it’s not their fault

    • Not knowing what your role is

    • Spending time with your kids

    • If the kids are active and healthy enough

    • If they have consistent boundaries 

    • What your child eats and drinks

    • If you have a flare or go in to hospital

    • What you put on hold to be a mum

    • Not being able to play because of pain

    If we bury how we feel about these concerns we may react strongly unexpectedly. The intensity of this can send you into meltdown so we need to be mindful of our self-talk. Find out more by listening to Brené Brown’s Book – The Gift of Imperfection.

    The Gifts Of Imperfection By Brene BrownThe Gifts Of Imperfection By Brene Brown

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1601736652793_24814 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1601736652793_24814 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    The high expectations I have of myself despite being ill, means I can miss that guilt goblin manipulating my self-talk. I’m more aware of him sneaking past my protection and can interrupt him before it leads to an anxiety attack.

    “I was always fraught with guilt and it’s such a waste of an emotion. It keeps you out of the moments of being where you are”

    — Kyra Sedgewick

    7 Practical Ways You Can Beat Mum Guilt Meltdown.jpg

    7 Practical Ways You Can Beat Mum Guilt Meltdown

    Having practical ways to beat mum guilt will help you avoid meltdowns. Being more mindful of these thoughts and emotions can help you have more balance in your life.

    “Your emotions are the slaves to your thoughts, and you are the slave to your emotions”

    — Elizabeth Gilbert

    1. Have a process for dealing with your emotions

    Your personality type and parenting style will direct how you work through your feelings. Having a method at your fingertips to use you can break the cycle of negative thinking. Here are a few ideas for processing these thoughts. 

    • Journaling – write your thoughts but find a positive note to end on.

    • Change perspective – look at it from a neutral viewpoint, what do you see? 

    • Let yourself feel by doing a visualisation. Read about these meditations here.

    • Be present – what behaviours do you notice? What’s triggering them? 

    • Write a note or record a voice memo of 3 things you’re grateful for.

    • Distract yourself with short mantras or activities like grounding techniques.

    5 senses grounding exercise.jpg

    Anxiety

    Download my simple anxiety exercises in my Strong Mum members free resource area.

    Get Your Free Anxiety Busting Exercises Now

    2. Listen to your child

    This may sound obvious but I mean actively listening. To do this: 

    • Give your child your full attention by stopping what you’re doing.

    • Look at your child as they speak. 

    • Let them talk at their own pace even if it’s tempting to get on with housework.

    • When they finish, repeat what they said back to them.

    • Add details about how they might be feeling and why.

    If you and your child aren’t used to this practice, you could role-play it beforehand so your child knows what you’re doing. For more information on active listening read this article. 

    If you’re struggling with this concept, imagine how you feel when you can’t get your point across. You’d feel frustrated at not being heard and despair of it when you get unwanted advice instead of empathy.

    3. Search for the source 

    Finding where your feelings of guilt come from can be a game changer. It isn’t a one and done solution, it will take you working at it! Having a solution focused approach means you don’t get stuck on the problem as you’re working to solve it. 

    Read more about using a solution focused approach in my blog about strategies for coping with anxiety. Take these steps to start you off.

    1. Relax and think about your strengths as a mum.

    2. Write or draw about your qualities as a mum and what your day looks like. 

    3. Highlight 1 or 2 problems and all the positives you have. 

    4. Create a goal for one of these problems based on your strengths. Break the goal down into steps to work on over time. 

    Our parenting is shaped by our childhood, often wanting to improve on or avoid negative memories. We were aware of this but my brain disease led to a breakdown of communication but we restored this and developed resilience and empathy. 

    My chronic illnesses affected how we worked together as parents. We went to family therapy which shaped our new approach of active listening and being solution focused. We developed a teamwork approach, making celebrating wins priority.

    4. Stop comparing yourself to other mums

    The way most of us share our lives on social media, with mums showing images of a perfect life and creating a page for their littlies. Most only show rainbows and smiles with ‘DM to collab’ info. I’m not knocking this, it’s a great if you want that. 

    Even without social media we’ll compare our parenting to others but comparisonitis is at dangerous levels. The pressure about how we look and act as a mum has been linked to the steep rise in mental health problems. 

    We need to be mindful of our behaviour around other mums and conscious of the message we’re sharing when we post on social media. Instead of forcing your lifestyle on others, lift each other up, sharing each other’s joy. Don’t be that mum! 

    5. Declutter for less pressure 

    I do a self audit a few times a year to protect myself. When I became ill, I let people in who hurt me, people I thought understood me and chronic illness. This increased my anxiety levels and I’m still wary. Ask yourself these questions every 2-3 months: 

    • Who has been there to support me recently? 

    • Who have I contacted and not heard back from? 

    • Have I checked to see if they’re okay? 

    • Have friends with chronic illnesses been mutually supportive? 

    • How long has it been since hearing from long term friends? 

    • Have those you’ve confided in been there?

    Think carefully before taking action, remembering some people don’t know how to handle chronic illness. Can you show them? To beat mum guilt your circle needs to be trusted and give honest advice.   

    1. Text those you believe to be trusted friends, check they’re okay. Chronic illness or mental health problems can make us forgetful so be sure your decisions are solid. 

    2. Narrow your trusted circle to your partner, supportive family members, a few proven friends and your doctor/therapist

    3. Remove friends on social media and who don’t support you or your family or haven’t engaged with you. 

    4. Delete phone contacts who you haven’t heard from in 12-18 months. 

    This collection of books are available from The Book Depository. I recommend these for building self-esteem and a sense of purpose. Using journaling exercises and reading to understand your purpose and role, will help you beat Mum guilt.

    The Little Book Of Hygge by Meik WikingThe Little Book Of Hygge by Meik Wiking

    Mindfulness for Mums by Izzy JuddMindfulness for Mums by Izzy Judd

    A Moment for Mom by Alice LangholtA Moment for Mom by Alice Langholt

    Gratitude: A Journal By Katherine PriceGratitude: A Journal By Katherine Price

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1601736652793_54222 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1601736652793_54222 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    6. Be kind to yourself 

    Either heading back to work after maternity leave, being a stay at home mum and/or have chronic illnesses or mental health problems will leave you conflicted. Working late or staying in bed has repercussions but this is the time to be kind to yourself. 

    Remove ‘should’ from your vocabulary! Caring what others think you should be doing with your child, takes away from what you offer uniquely as their Mum. Know that you are enough and belong as a loved mother to your child.

    “When we can let go of what other people think and own our story, we gain access to our worthiness—the feeling that we are enough just as we are and that we are worthy of love and belonging. Brené Brown ”

    — . Brené Brown

    We were never meant to raise children single handed so reach out for support. If you can’t play during a flare, it’s okay. If you use a childminder, it’s okay; you deserve a break. You’re worthy of being the best mum for your kids and to be loved for that! 

    7. Allow yourself time for you

    You were someone before you were a mum, and that person is still relevant. You’re the glue that holds everything together, even if someone else adds the sticky tape, so you need to be healthy. Mum guilt can stop you taking care of yourself.

    I remember the guilt being amplified when I had depression and anxiety from grieving the life I’d had. I was so hard on myself for it but 6 years on, my kids don’t remember, Time for yourself is a priority and I don’t mean 5 minutes in the loo on your own. 

    You deserve spa treatments and meeting up for coffee without the kids. You deserve weekends away, date nights and a long soak in the tub. Being a mum is hard so you need balance. You need to enjoy the sun, laughter, sticky hands and puddle jumping. 

    Conclusion 

    Guilt is something I’ve carried all my life but letting myself feel it has shown my strength. I’ve worked hard by using my techniques for coping with anxiety. The more I focus on my strengths as a mother I can beat any meltdowns the guilt goblin brings.

    My life coach has helped me work through my mum guilt. As a mum you need to be memory maker, entertainer, caregiver and chief giggler. Carrying guilt can stop you being these.

    Limiting the influences in my life is a work in progress but taking control of it has helped when my anxiety is high, helping me beat mum guilt meltdowns. This includes time for pursuing my own interests because my children need me to be happy. 

    Now my boys are older, they can talk to me about their feelings because we’ve made this a priority so we can all feel heard. This has ensured they know I love them unconditionally which in turns shuts the guilt goblin up and helps you beat your guilt. 

    I can help you do this with my free wellbeing planner that’s perfect for this. Sign up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list for access to this free download by clicking below.


    Get your free well-being planner

    This can help you feel valued by your family and even more so, yourself. You want your kids to accomplish their dreams and beat things holding them back. Who better than you to be a role model for drive and resilience in pursuing their passions?

    What makes you feel guilty? Tell me in the comments.  

    Remember that if you’re asking about mum guilt, you don’t need to worry. You are a good mum!

    Stay safe,

    L 💜

    P.S I can help you beat mum guilt by creating personal wellbeing strategies using my free wellbeing plan. This will help prioritise your own needs, such as building self-esteem and making time for self care or doing the things you love. Or if you want to be on the waiting list for my Journey To Balance Journal, sign up to my mailing list at the bottom of this page. ⤵️

    View fullsize

    7 Practical Ways You Can Beat Mum Guilt Meltdown7 Practical Ways You Can Beat Mum Guilt Meltdown

    View fullsize

    How To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum GuiltHow To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum Guilt

    View fullsize

    7 Practical Ways You Can Beat Mum Guilt Meltdown7 Practical Ways You Can Beat Mum Guilt Meltdown

    View fullsize

    How To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum GuiltHow To Overcome Genuine Anxiety Caused By Mum Guilt

    #block-3bb27356ca4ee3dd30d5 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-3bb27356ca4ee3dd30d5 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬆️  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!

  • Emerging Strong From My Chronic Pain Conditions Challenge

    Emerging Strong From My Chronic Pain Conditions Challenge

    Emerging Strong From My Chronic Pain Conditions Challenge

    Emerging Strong From My Chronic Pain Conditions Challenge This story is about the impact chronic pain conditions have had on my life. I have a rare brain disease called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension or IIH, as well as Migraine and Hypothyroid…

    This story is about the impact chronic pain conditions have had on my life. I have a rare brain disease called Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension or IIH. I also have Migraine and Hypothyroidism and have bouts of depression and anxiety.

    I’ve worried about an unknown future as I’ve had the challenge of a rare condition and misunderstood diseases. I felt frustrated by the doctors who didn’t listen to me. Knowledge is power so I became my own advocate to find the right treatment plan.

    I feel like a strong Mum as I emerge with my story today. However, the reality is that I still face challenges every day. I do still have wobbles and mini meltdowns making occasional appearances but I have the strength to get through it, 

    My family and friend’s love enables me to embrace every day. I want you to feel empowered to raise awareness of your condition and challenges you face too. Anxiety is still what challenges me the most so read about my coping strategies here.

    Living with chronic pain or illness is different for everyone but by reassuring you and giving practical advice, I hope I can support you on your journey. The solutions and strategies I’ve tried, help me and my family live a mostly balanced life. 

    Disclaimer.jpeg

    My Life Before Chronic Illness

    I met my husband Joel at University when I was training to be a Primary School Teacher. I’d already trained and worked as a nanny and I loved being in the classroom, seeing the children grow. Joel’s ability to draw at midnight was a bonus. 

    We moved to Hove when I got my first job, teaching children ages 4-8 from mixed backgrounds. I stayed at the school for 11 years, working with multicultural children, children with special needs and integrating kids with autism from the specialist unit.

    Joel and I married in 2003 and had a baby boy a year later. Eldest taught me how different looking after other people’s children is than your own, but I was still strict in both roles. I adored being a mum and we had another baby boy 21 months later.

    We nearly lost Youngest at birth who was born quickly with the cord tight around his neck. He was taken to the special care ward whilst I was sent back to the maternity ward, surrounded by mums with their babies. I’d never felt a sense of loss like it. 

    That night he had a 4 hour seizure and we were told to prepare for the worst. Thankfully he just pulled through but they couldn’t find a cause. It was put down to trauma and 11 days later we came home. We had another 5 day stay weeks later. 

    Youngest was given the all clear aged one but it had taken its toll on Joel and I. I developed postnatal depression and severe panic attacks. I asked for help and went to counselling. Since then we’ve valued and always worked on our mental health.  Read this easy to use self help book about postnatal depression. 

    Postpartum Depression and Anxiety : The Definitive Survival and Recovery Approach

    Postpartum Depression and Anxiety : The Definitive Survival and Recovery Approach

    The Day My Physical Health Changed

    One day in 2009, aged 32, I woke with a sudden sharp pain around and behind my right eye. Standard painkillers didn’t help the pain, which was so severe I cried with every movement. I was signed off work for two months whilst my GP tried to help me. 

    I was misdiagnosed with infections and 2 chronic pain conditions before I was finally diagnosed with atypical migraine. I was given strong, preventative medication which my body took months to get used to. I had a phased return to my part time hours.

    Although the medication worked I still had low level constant pain, affecting family life and interfering with weekend plans. So I explored alternative therapies until I found a cranial osteopath who helped me live less painfully and our family more happily. 

    We could travel again and had many family adventures. The best thing was not being sensitive to sound so I could go to gigs, swim and watch the boy’s school shows. I aimed high and was promoted to an Early Years specialist and Senior teacher.

    Becoming A Chronic Pain Sufferer

    I started having migraine attacks every weekend. Then in January 2014 I had an attack that wouldn’t ease so my GP did an urgent referral to a neurologist who said my migraine had become chronic. Sadly that pain’s still with me years later. 

    I tried to push on but it was unbearable, I took sick leave, thinking I’d find a solution with traditional medication and natural therapies. Over the next 8 months I tried every migraine medication, elimination diets, reiki, reflexology and more but nothing helped.

    I couldn’t teach and began worrying about the future for myself and my family. I kept fighting it but the neurology team didn’t seem to care. I’d be upset on the phone to the nurse due to unbearable pain and she’d tell me to talk to my GP about ‘my mood’. 

    My tears fell from frustration of being unheard and the unrelenting pain that seemed different to the migraines I knew. So I researched constant headaches and a new symptom jumped out at me; the ‘whooshing’ in my ears was pulsatile tinnitus (PT).

    This was the first piece of the puzzle so I joined an online support group. I heard of a PT specialist in Cambridge and boy was that long car journey to see him worth it. He took my situation seriously and suspected Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension or IIH. 

    I had to wait for the tests to confirm this and was told this would be a long process. I was on the migraine medication Merry Go Round, spending months weaning myself on and off of high doses of preventative medicine. Nothing improved my symptoms, although I got a little relief from using aromatherapy oils, especially this Neals Yard Lavender Essential Oil.

    Neals Yard Remedies - Lavender Essential Oil

    My neurologist found out that I’d sought this second opinion and he refused to treat me. I knew I still had migraine so I was devastated. As the months went on, the ‘long process’ felt like forever. The pain lay heavy on me so I became severely depressed.

    I was losing my sense of self and felt left to rot. My GP was concerned so ran blood tests which showed I’d also developed Hypothyroidism. This explained the amplified feelings of hopelessness. My life became a chronic pain conditions balancing act.

    Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension IIH Donate.jpeg

    Donate To IIH UK

    Improve the lives of sufferers

    Donate Now

    What is IIH And Could I Have It? 

    “IIH is associated with raised fluid pressure around the brain. The fluid that cushions the brain is called cerebrospinal fluid (CSF). It can cause disabling daily headaches and visual loss, which can be permanent.”

    — iihuk.org.uk

    I started researching the symptoms of IIH, although I knew I didn’t have eye (optic) nerve swelling, called papilloedema. I was convinced I had it despite the headache specialist I saw shutting down my questions about IIH, as I didn’t have papilloedema. 

    IIH without Papilloedema (IIHWOP), is a very rare type of IIH. Less is known about it and many Doctors deny it exists. But the Cambridge team were working with other patients with similar symptoms to me so sticking with them was the best decision. 

    To be diagnosed with IIHWOP you need brain scans and a lumbar puncture (LP). Your explanation about the details of your symptoms is vital so I needed to document my experiences so I could give the specialists a clear picture of what was happening. 

    IIHWOP affects people differently so someone may have some or all of these most common symptoms. They may have additional symptoms too but all impact your quality of life. These are the most reported symptoms – read more about this here.

    • Headaches

    • Pulsatile tinnitus (PT)

    • Visual obscurations – temporary black outs or grey outs

    • Blurred or double vision 

    • Photopsias – short term flashes of light

    I still suffer with the same symptoms I had originally although the intensity changes. As well as PT, I have constant pain in my head, neck and around my right eye. I get very nauseous and have poor mobility; I can get dizzy, black out and stumble or fall. 

    I also suffer with brain fog, a type of cognitive dysfunction involving memory problems, lack of mental clarity and an inability to focus. This is linked to all of the chronic pain conditions I have but it has  improved with each surgery I’ve had for IIH. 

    IIH has left me disabled and bed-bound most of the time. I used to feel guilty about how this limits what I do but now I live day by day, saving my energy for family and friends. My family is about living a happy life, full of laughter and making memories.

    The Challenge To Get Treatment 

    My CT scans showed narrowing of blood vessels in the transverse sinus. This is part of the system acting as a conduit for the blood needed to oxygenate the brain. Watch how blood should drain into the dural sinuses through the internal jugular vein.

    This means I have restricted venous outflow so fluid builds up in my skull, causing a pressure cooker feeling. Headaches are a symptom of all my chronic pain conditions, so I’ve documented how they affect me to help me get the treatment I need. 

    However, getting the treatment for such a rare disease isn’t easy. Nothing was worse than a trip to A&E in late 2014 at the end of an intense weekend after I’d blacked out for the first time. When I finally saw a doctor she would only give me paracetamol! 

    My pain levels were so high, I was shaking as my legs felt like jelly.My GP prescribed a cocktail of pain relief, including oramorph, the following day. Of all my chronic pain conditions, IIH was the hardest to control, often leaving me I able to do anything. 

    This was a new level so Joel pushed for Cambridge to do the diagnostic tests. I was officially diagnosed with IIHWOP after the consultant listened carefully to how well the LP had temporarily reduced my pain levels, despite my LP result being low.

    My treatment plan, however, was delayed for over a year as their trial was under review. In 2017 I had my first of six surgical treatments. I’ve had skull and spine surgeries to create room for my veins and brain stents to reduce CSF build up. 

    The Truth About Living With Chronic Illness.jpeg

    The Truth About Living With Chronic Illness

    The truth is that living with chronic pain conditions tests your limits. We knew it would be a marathon, not a 10k race but I’ve had to accept that I need walkers, a stairlift, a wheelchair, and my gig ear plugs, to make it possible for me to go out on better days. 

    Joel’s my main carer and my boys are young carers for me. I also have a PA here each weekday lunchtime who is like a family member now. She ensures I eat and wash. She cooks, does laundry, keeps things tidy and is perfect company for me.

    Joel, myself and the boys have had to adjust how we live day to day with chronic illness in the mix. But by learning how to communicate effectively we’ve developed a stronger bond. The boys have become independent and resilient. 

    This is key to being able to thrive despite challenges. We work as a team to develop and encourage personal growth. My teaching skills have helped me facilitate finding solutions by making time to reflect on life whilst being mindful. 

    Joel’s always been more spontaneous than me so I’ve learnt how to make the best of my good days. I still love seeing friends or going out to eat but I have to be aware that all activity has consequences with high pain and sleep disturbances afterwards.

    We’ve created new routines to make the most of the time we have. We plan time together, such as family get-togethers and date nights. The boys tell me about their day and Joel and I make time to talk about how we’re feeling. This pays off long term.

    I know I’m so lucky to have Joel guide and stand by me through the toughest times and enjoy the good when we can. Chronic pain conditions impact your relationships so you have to make time for each other and find ways to release the stress. 

    The Chronic Pain Conditions Lifestyle Lowdown 

    Life can change overnight when you develop chronic pain conditions or mental health problems. When that involves family, your relationships change too. My story shows this and how we’ve succeeded by mixing plans with a day by day attitude. 

    Some people are diagnosed quickly with fairly common conditions, some spend years searching for a diagnosis. Wherever you are on your journey, it’s vital to learn about your condition and its symptoms so you make informed choices for treatment. 

    Any diagnosis leads to questions and concerns about the future. I believe that this is when you need a sense of purpose, especially when facing big changes and decisions. This is why I began blogging about my journey to raise awareness. 

    I’ve worked hard on my well-being to cope with the depression and pain that can hold me back. I refuse to let it win so I use distraction tactics. I am creative, I meditate and try to put myself first. Read about how I prioritise my wellness needs here.

    My husband struggled with his mental health and as our boys were young we chose to do family therapy. Thankfully my husband and children supported me in the good, bad and horrendous times. We built strategies to build good mental health for us all.

    Developing routines and structure leads to healthy communication which has made our family an awesome team. With their support I’m now emerging strong with hope and determination to get through hard times and enjoy the good.

    Stay safe
    L 💜

    P.S I can help you create better wellbeing strategies for living with chronic pain conditions. Download my free well-being planner here to prioritise your needs. If you want to get on a waiting list for updates on my first ever well-being product, please sign up to my newsletter below.

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!

    Emerging strong from my chronic pain conditions challengeEmerging strong from my chronic pain conditions challenge

    The truth about living with chronic illness.The truth about living with chronic illness.

    The Truth About Living With Chronic IllnessThe Truth About Living With Chronic Illness

    Emerging Strong From My Chronic Pain Conditions ChallengeEmerging Strong From My Chronic Pain Conditions Challenge

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1599483536273_21920 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1599483536273_21920 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

  • The Exclusive Guide To Well-being For Life

    The Exclusive Guide To Well-being For Life

    The Exclusive Guide To Well-being For Life

    As a mother your well-being is so important but do you make it your main priority? Being Mum means driving the rest of the family forward, as well as literally driving them around. If you focus on your own well-being, you’ll have the energy to do this.

    I love making sure everyone’s wellness feels uplifted, but I reached a point when my well-being needed to take priority. I am sharing how I learnt about wellness and well—being to help me look after myself and prioritise my family.

    This exclusive guide is for every mum, regardless of how old or young your kids are. It’s for you whether you face depression, anxiety or chronic illness. We all do our best with the tools we have, so this post is a guilt and judgement free zone.

    This is for you if you take the kids to all their activities, cook amazing meals whilst helping with homework; your teen cleans up after tea, you don’t know how to help your child when they’re being bullied, you’re stuck in bed all day or anything else. 

    This guide looks at the elements needed to find well-being for life so you can fulfil your own needs and find your purpose. I’ll deep dive further into key aspects of this blog in coming posts. To get the most from this blog, click below to download your free guide to wellness priorities planner.


    Download Your Guide Now

    This guide supports you to make simple mindset shifts for better well-being for you and your family, whatever your home life looks like, how old your children are or what size your house is. This guide is for mums to build solid foundations for their family. 

    By the end of this blog you will know:

    • Why And How Wellness and Well-being Needs Managing 

    • Each Wellness Area And Learn What To Improve

    • How Your Well-being Affects Your Family Interactions 

    • How To Reward Physical and Emotional Well-being Growth

    • How To Make A Simple Focus Well-being Plan

    I hope you find this an insight into your own wellness and how the changes you make for you and your own family’s health, will impact your well-being for life. 

    * Disclaimer – this blog contains affiliate links to products that I have tried and loved. If you do buy anything using this link, I get a small monetary reward at no cost to you.

    Why And How Wellness and Well-being Needs Managing 

    Wellness: the quality or state of being healthy in body and mind, especially as the result of deliberate effort.

    Well-being: a state characterised by your  health, happiness, and prosperity; welfare

    From dictionary.com

    Wellness and Well-being both focus on our state of health and by using them both strategically, but simply we can make a shift in our mindset. If you can focus on these areas to make them work well, then you’ll feel secure.

    As someone living with chronic illnesses, wellness is hard to aspire to, so I have to approach all my healthcare decisions based on doing the best I can for myself now and try to prevent future conditions by looking after my body and mind. 

    Therefore wellness for me, is working towards the best state of mental and physical health possible. It’s about actively choosing to take self-responsibility for my own behaviour toward an outcome of healthy living and well-being for life. 

    To make the right choices I’ve had to understand some of the psychology of wellness and well-being so I could make conscious changes. By focusing on these I’m able to process ideas and reach appropriate solutions more easily.

    I’m using the psychology of Maslow’s Hierarchy Of Needs which is still relevant in 2020. I believe that physical wellness, feeling safe, relationships based on love and secure friendships, before we can fulfil our potential in life and love.

    This is commonly used to support personal development in the workplace but I believe it’s a great structure for personal and family growth.

    Maslow’s self actualisation is the highest state for you to find meaning and purpose in life, which links to your emotional and physical health. Read this Forbes article about how a strong sense of purpose builds our resilience in face of challenge.

    “By identifying what humans need and what drives and motivates [us, we] can develop mutually beneficial relationships and positive environments”

    — Katie Home

    Reaching a high level of satisfaction in your life has a positive effect by maximising your pleasure or from living with your true self. A positive family meets the needs of individuals by creating a place of security and trust for one another. 

    Positive relationships play a huge part in our wellness and wellbeing. I’m fascinated by the 5 Love Languages by Dr Gary Chapman. He explains how we give and receive love through a simple strategy shown to build positive relationships. 

    A little insight into some of the thinking behind how to well being for life helps you find solutions and influence the actions you take to improve our wellness. These breakthroughs lead to change in your mental and physical health. 

    Well-being is your current state as you use wellness areas to plan your next steps towards improved well-being. Understanding the wellness areas has helped me create more achievable goals so my future health will based on focusing on my wellness to the best that I can.  

    Understand Each Wellness Area And Learn What To Improve

    In my research I came across this diagram showing 8 areas of wellness (It seems to change with 7 and 9 elsewhere). Knowledge about these areas of Wellness and how they fit into your life, helps you decide what action to take.

    Wellness is a choice to work towards what you aspire to. This diagram shows that physical and mental health are linked, so you consider your needs holistically. The journal I’m creating will have a guide for fitting them into your life for balance. 

    Dimensions Of Wellness

    1. Emotional Wellness is about coping with life effectively and building strong relationships. I’ve discovered so much about how I look after myself and others by listening to this amazing book on Audible: Braving The Wilderness By Brene Brown.

    2. Physical Wellness is looking after your health through exercise, hydration, sleep hygiene and nutrition. We get a Vegetable Box delivered weekly. As I’m Vegan and my family are Vegetarian this inspires nutrition and variety in our diets. Click here to set up your own box, however often you need to.

    3. Intellectual Wellness is about seeing your creative abilities and actively seeking ways to expand your knowledge and skills. I love the idea of learning with a friend.

    4. Social Wellness is creating relationships with others and forming support networks with two way connections. You could try strengthening bonds on one of these Crystal Maze Experiences in London and Lancashire. 

    5. Occupational Wellness is finding satisfaction and enrichment in your choice of career or in being a Stay at Home Mum.

    6. Financial Wellness isn’t about how much money you make but how you use it. Feeling good about how you use money and talking about it is healthy. Know if youre satisfied with your situation or gain confidence about future finances.

    7. Environmental Wellness is creating a pleasant, stimulating environment around to support your overall wellbeing. I use calming items like this gorgeous Soto Aroma Diffuser by Neal’s Yard Remedies, with essential oils.

    8. Spiritual Wellness is something you strive for, whether religious or not. This helps you discover that meaning in life you strive for. Look for opportunities to grow and learn by reading (check out Oxfam online below) to connect with your true self through using mindfulness. You can learn more on The Benefits Of Meditation by reading this blog post.

    Understand How Your Well-being Affects Your Family Interactions 

    To see the whole picture your family dynamics matter too. As Mums we have to be role models and encourage healthy habits from day dot. I know it’s easier said than done – I have teenagers glued to X-boxes but we use rewards to motivate them. 

    I’ve created 4 steps, incorporating each wellness area. This will help you recognise things in your life, including you’re parenting skills, to help you improve your overall physical and mental wellness. 

    To help you work out you’re starting points to create well-being for life habits, work through the bullet points at your own pace and in whatever order works best for you. 

    1. Creating Time And Space – Start by building your physical and environmental wellness for a healthier home and family life. 

    • Create a varied diet by eating a range of nutritional foods and cooking new things with and for your kids to try to start healthy habits early.

    • Get outside with your kids most days. This is the time to play with them and be active by working at your own pace, 

    • Show your kids how sipping water through the day is good for your body and mind. It’s great for you physically and helps your skin glow.

    • Sleep is so important, as well as creating a better vibe at home, it helps motivate you, keeps your mind focused and emotions in check. I love naps!

    • Your home need to be a safe space with regards to your environment. So grow plants, create calming spaces and set quiet times for you all. 

      2. Safety and security – Stay on the theme of building safety with financial security and occupational satisfaction wellness 

    • You’re aware of the financial implications as soon as you have kids and see the reality of the amount of clothes you need for one day,so get budgeting. 

    • Creating security for your family is something we hardly discuss. It’s stressful but make time with your partner or get help to discuss savings, pensions etc. 

    • I’ve tried working full time, part time and not at all. It often felt like I wasn’t good at my job or as a Mum. This has to be your choice but keep talking.

    • Check in often with your partner about how their day and create boundaries for getting things off your chest. It’s not healthy for the family to hold things in.

    • Find ways to build a deeper connection with your family. Eat together when you can and chat to them or get them to visit you in bed when they get home, 

    3. Making Connections – Build emotional relationships within your family and develop your social support with your wider community for your family. 

    • Your emotional well-being will be affected by your stage of motherhood and womanhood. Take time to look after your emotions from hormonal changes. 

    • Consider immediate family emotions in your decisions. Do you need help solving squabbles, supporting anxious teens or making time for romance?

    • There are many personality types within a family to balance emotionally. Take these 5 Love Languages quizzes so you can develop family communication. 

    • Focus on social support networks with friends that have children when you do and/or reconnect with your friends who know you well, to turn to in a crisis. 

    • Talk about and let the kids see how to look after someone who’s hurting or solve arguments quickly. You can role play them in a family meeting too. 

      4. Development and Growth –  Finding time for intellectual and spiritual growth is hard, although as we come out of the last few years of the pandemic, I expect many of us have tried to.

    • We all need to spend time learning new things, whatever age we are or if we have chronic illnesses. It improves self discipline and boosts self confidence!

    • We saw many Acts of Kindness during the pandemic. These create a rush of positive chemicals, increasing our self worth and sense of fulfilment. 

    • Make time to relax and be creative. Try a new class out of your comfort zone. Include older kids or a willing partner, this could be a reward or bonding time.

    • Time for ourselves is a reward that all mums need. I plan a weekly reward based on self care, It’s not selfish to plan me time so get thinking! 

    • Try mindfulness and/or meditation by exploring what style works for you. Read this post to guide you through some techniques to help with stress and anxiety.

    Step 4 has ideas for your well-being plan from the top tier of Maslow’s Hierarchy, which naturally comes after you’ve built the foundations. Plan around what you feel is most important for your creativity and spirituality. Get This Free ”Understanding How To Improve Your Well-being’ Guide for support.

    How To Reward Physical and Emotional Well-being Growth

    Before you can properly take your first steps to plan your well-being target(s), you need to prioritise the most important read of wellness you need to improve well-being for life. To help stay focused on your plan, you should use rewards to help you stay on track to meet your goal or intention. 

    Rewards work because we’re motivated by dopamine which tells it whether a good or a bad thing is about to happen so we either act because of the promise of getting a reward or avoiding punishment. 

    I set rewards for all my goals and commitments, work and personal goals. When I reviewed my targets recently I realised the change of routine in lockdown had interrupted me achieving them. I know it sounds ‘workplace’, but it helps me. I recommend setting times to review your progress towards your targets. 

    However learning to roll with the changes that occur from life with challenges, means moving the goal to work at your own pace. If your symptoms flare, use the thought of your weekly reward to think positively. You need a visual to keep you motivated. I make a Pinterest mood board, to create an image of the target and reward. 

    My first well-being plan was simple, focusing on one goal for my physical wellness. I aimed to be kind to myself by listening to my body; more rest and starting bed yoga. This would impact my whole life by strengthening my foundations of physical rest and care for well-being for life. 

    I thought of what I needed to help me meet this goal and I needed my support network, so I asked Joel and the boys. They could stop me doing things if I looked unwell and I used timers/alarms, I still use these things if I need to be kind to myself. 

    As I’ve never been good at doing nothing I needed rewards to keep me focused on my goal. As I can have a flare at any time from living with chronic pain, I’ve had to learn when to go back to basics.

    Despite this being on my well-being plan a way back, I know it’s something I still need to be reminded of so I’m planning a reward for motivation. Rewards trigger our brain into wanting positive outcomes, therefore rewarding positive and emotional well-being growth.

    Rewards can be anything from an experience to a small gift or food occasionally. I’ll be sharing more ideas for these in the new journal I’m creating. If you want to make sure you’re the first to know, get sneak peeks and be on the waiting list please join my mailing list.


    Sign up to my newsletter here

    How To Make A Simple Focus Wellbeing Plan

    I’ve developed my wellness plans over the years and have supported others with creating their plans. I’m excited to add these options to my new journal so you can start thinking about it.

    Well-being plans are focused with targets to set intentions and make commitments. They have to be focused on the most achievable area for your wellness and must make the biggest impact on your well-being for life.

    You can put all of this together with these simple steps and focusing on your areas of wellness. This quick and simple activity can help you spot patterns. 

    1. Go back to the 8 areas of wellness above. On the table below score each area from 1-10 in relation to how you think you’re already managing. 1 is not meeting it at all and 10 is when you’ve got it down! 

    2. Now list the 3 lowest scoring areas in order. Choose 1-3 topics from these that you need to focus on in your life now. Keep them short and simple.

    3. Write 3 actions to make changes in the three areas in this table. Or choose one action for the worst 3 areas. E.g. I will meditate for 5 minutes each day.

    4. Write the support you will need to help you achieve each target or intention. 

    5. Write the reward you will get when you achieve your target or intention and how you’ll know you achieved it. E.g When I’ve meditated every day for 1 month I will have a spa treat. 

    You can download this free Planner to print and reuse, along with a ‘Understanding How To Improve Your Wellbeing’ Guide – Click here for your free copy.

    For some guidance of actions you can take go back to the bullet points in the 4 steps to well-being section above. This planner comes with the 8 areas of wellness included.

    If you need a little more guidance, read this ‘What Is Wellness?’ article from the Global Wellness Institute

    Please let me know if you try this simple planner out in the comments. 

    The Takeaway

    1. You need to understand that wellness leads to your well-being for life. It’s important to look after your mental and physical health to prioritise needs. 

    2. Having your own awareness of the eight wellness areas I’ve talked about in this blog, helps you understand human needs better. This information helps you to prioritise your needs. 

    3. Understanding the importance of relationships is vital to you making progress whether it’s positive or negative. Having my family help me stick to my commitments is so important. 

    4. Rewards are important in helping you achieve your goals from a scientific process in the brain. Your brain prepares you for both good and bad outcomes. Try to use these strategically to focus. 

    5. You’re equipped to consider your relationship with the areas of wellness and plans for your intentions or targets. Keep going back to your 3 ‘I will’ sentences and remind yourself of your reward. Keep it short and simple. 

     

    Disclaimer

    If you’re struggling with your wellness and need targeted support from a health professional please speak to a doctor. I am not a trained healthcare professional. 

    Online Support

    You can access these websites from charities and organisations for additional support. 

    Go to the Mind website for mental health support.

    Go to the National Well-being Institute here for further support.

    I also recommend these two podcasts to check out. 

    Happy Place – Fearne Cotton

    Your Wellbeing Podcast – Mind Body Spirit Festival

    What areas of wellness do you think you need support in? Tell me in the comments what has helped you or made you think whilst reading this blog.

    Stay safe, Laura 💜

    P.S I can help you build on the areas of your well-being you may be neglecting without realising. If you want to get sneak peeks, get on a waiting list or start focusing on your well-being for life sign up to my newsletter at the bottom of the page. ⬇

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you! 

    View fullsize

    How To Make A Simple Focus Well-being PlanHow To Make A Simple Focus Well-being Plan

    View fullsize

    How To Reward Physical and Emotional Wellbeing How To Reward Physical and Emotional Wellbeing

    View fullsize

    The Exclusive Guide To Wellbeing For Life The Exclusive Guide To Wellbeing For Life

    View fullsize

    Understanding How To Improve Your Wellbeing GuideUnderstanding How To Improve Your Wellbeing Guide

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1594904364350_75680 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1594904364350_75680 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

  • Practical Ways To Talk About Race With Your Child

    Practical Ways To Talk About Race With Your Child

    Practical Ways To Talk About Race With Your Child

    The news and protests about Black Lives Matter has had a profound impact on me.  For the first time I truly see my white privilege as a mother. My tears run daily. I can’t imagine how people of colour, especially Black mothers are feeling. 

    But this isn’t about our feelings, it’s about our actions. As I can’t attend protests, I’ve spoken more to family and friends, as I listen I’m more aware, as I read, I understand a little more. I pledge to keep learning, doing and saying more to keep showing up!

    However you don’t need me to rant at or lecture you, so I’m writing something for every Mum reading this. I acknowledge you may be feeling strongly right now and that you may find this uncomfortable. I hope that as mothers we can come together. 

    My own kids have their opinions on what’s happening in the world, but even young children will be aware of race issues at the moment. I want to share my experiences as a Mum in 2020 and my knowledge from 20+ years of working in diverse schools. 

    As our journey will look and feel differently to each of us, you can take this article one section at a time. You may feel like you don’t want to go wrong and push yourself, letting emotions build into overwhelm and/or anxiety. If this builds, we can give up on the journey.

    However this is such an important journey and course of action that giving up is a hasty move and we could hold ourselves and our family back. So please however much time out you need and download my ‘Coping Strategies For Anxiety’ free guide. When you feel ready come back, one step at a time.


    Yes, I need these coping strategies

    if you’re okay to go on with your journey, please process your emotions, checking in with yourself often. You’ll be guiding children from age 2 or 3, as they can recognise race; up to teens who can ask hard questions. I’m sharing my experiences and practical examples of how to talk about race with your child.

    To do this, I will talk about: 

    • Education in the UK for children of different racial backgrounds 

    • How our feelings about race influences our children’s perception 

    • Why we need to talk about race with our children

    • How to talk sensitively to your child about race

    • Recommended resources to help you talk about race 

    Before I get started I want to explain some terms, as some are even new to me:

    • White Privilege – This doesn’t mean that your life isn’t difficult, it simply means that your skin color isn’t one of the things contributing to your life difficulties.

    • Antiracist – “A powerful collection of antiracist policies that lead to racial equity and are substantiated by antiracist ideas.” Ibram X Kendi 

    • Unconscious bias – An unconscious belief that leads to prejudice against a person, or group compared with other social and identity groups.

    • Allyship – This term is often seen as a label that white people use to make themselves feel good. But this is a destination so instead we should show up.

    • Colour blind – not seeing a difference rather than recognising and valuing it.

    • Microaggressions – remarks, questions, or experiences in day-to-day interactions that are linked to being a member of a marginalised group.

    • Showing Up – By standing up to racist words and actions, dedicating time to learning to sustain racial equity between more than one racial group

    • BAME – Black, Asian, and Minority Ethnic – used controversially in the UK, originally created for research purposes, now often used by media etc. Referenced in this blog for academic purposes only) 

    • POC/WOC – People Of Colour/Women Of Colour – Be Specific, such as Black Ghanaian, is preferable. Use acronym when discussing race other than white

    • BIPOC – stands for Black, Indigenous, People Of Colour (used in the USA) 

    • Black Lives Matter” v “All Lives Matter”. This is insensitive because Black lives matter has to happen for all lives to matter. Black lives are in danger now!

    View fullsize

    Black Lives Matter v All Lives Matter Cartoon by @scarecrowbar

    Black Lives Matter v All Lives Matter Cartoon by @scarecrowbar

    Education In The UK For Children Of Different Racial Backgrounds  

    I wrote my university dissertation about multicultural education over 20 years ago and spent the majority of my teaching career working in diverse schools. I’ve tried to build community relationships and improve representation in learning and with resources. 

    I’ve realised over the last few weeks of examining my own experiences, that apart from a friend who was Black that I trained as a Nursery Nurse with, I’ve never taught alongside a POC. What does this say when teachers are seen as role models? 

    In the UK, Channel 4 just aired a show called ‘The School that Tried to End Racism’. This was a 3 week experiment with 24 eleven year olds in a 50% BAME school. It asks for these children to work in affinity groups to tackle unconscious racial bias. 

    This show tackles our belief that the UK isn’t racist. In a review Natasha Devon writes “Dr Nicola Rollock and Professor Rhiannon Turner – argue that it is only by enforcing initial segregation that an honest conversation about race can be instigated.” 

    Find out more by reading this review in schoolsweek.co.uk

    The show explains that they worked with Year 7 children as up to 11 years old, children mix with diverse cultures, but then start to form faith led friendship groups. These kids are our future so we all need to learn how to talk about race.

    Government statistics on ethnicity in education show the largest gap in achievements in ethnic groups in 2019, other than Gypsy/Roma, was Black boys. The gap widens from 68% meeting developmental goals in Early Years, to 41% achieving 8 at GCSE. 

    As an Early Years teacher I saw this, as children‘s development was always similar amongst White and BAME children. In the early years we’re led by the child’s interests and by working closely with parents, we encourage sharing a child’s culture. 

    Young children have such open minds and this can be very powerful. In my first year we wore traditional dress and made diva lamps for Diwali. I’ll never forget the awe I saw on 30 four and five year old’s faces as I lit their lamps on a tray in the dark.

    We hired amazing multicultural resources for this activity but funding was soon cut, so responsibility fell on schools. Throughout my career, even in diverse schools, I saw a lack of representation in resources. 

    Teaching was good at representing the communities in all schools so we celebrated an array of cultures. For example, we’d always visit the mosque where Muslim children worshipped, just as we did with the children who attended the local church. 

    Sadly some parents felt uncomfortable with these events and stopped children attending. Racist incidents with the parents did happen at times, which I stood up to. I never saw or heard racist behaviour amongst any of the children I taught. 

    10 years ago, when I was mentoring a Muslim student teacher, the town mayor visited. The mayor asked my student where she was from. She replied ‘Worthing’ but the mayor asked her again. I was mortified but didn’t know how to act in the situation.

    Teachers need to listen to pupils, parents and communities and talk about race and racism at the children’s level. Schools need to keep improving their practices and relationships with parents, especially in mainly White communities. 

    “Schools should question the alienating nature of the British value of “tolerance” in their school… [Acceptance] shows that “I recognise your differences and appreciate you.”

    — Lola Okolosie

    Talking about race with children in school could bring lasting change. Read this Guardian article by Lola Okolosie for more ways UK schools can improve their race relations. 

    How Our Feelings About Race Influences Our Children’s Understanding

    I’m sure I’m not the only parent who had no words, watching footage of George Floyd’s murder. There have been so many Black lives lost this year, in the UK and the US. This time many more of us have stopped to listen to and amplify Black voices. 

    I saw how ingrained police brutality is in parts of the US, as I watched footage of a Black boy, not much older than Eldest, being knelt on by white Metro guards. I cried as the boy shouted ‘Help Me, I’m scared’. He’d been selling water without a license! 

    Why? My biggest question right now is why. 

    • Why don’t I know about all the racist killings of POC in the UK or the US?

    • Why does the media use provocative news bites instead of the real message?

    • Why haven’t I learnt more about black history?

    • Why do WOC have to teach their children that some people may not like them because of the colour of their skin?

    • Why do WOC have to teach their children how to act around the police? 

    • Why is this world still so cruel in 2020?

    • Why do some choose ignorance/misunderstanding over understanding? 

    • Why does the colour of someone’s skin still dictate a young child’s future?

    • Why aren’t POC surprised when they encounter racism? 

    • Why is any of this okay? 

    Just as I questioned how, or if at all, teachers should talk about race with children, I began asking this of myself as a mother. I believe that our children learn about the world from us and with us, so our thoughts and feelings must influence them. 

    So if I’m feeling and questioning so much as I process this, my kids will pick up on my rants, the words I use and my body language. They’ll see and hear what’s happening on social media and in the news, and may well hear me and my husband discuss it.  

    Children are never too young to talk about race, they see the differences and similarities in skin colour from babies upwards. They learn from our body language, tone of voice and language. They’ll pick up on negative and positive reinforcement.

    My boys have spoken with us both about what’s happening. You could say it’s easier to speak openly with teenagers, but they’re brave enough to ask the tough questions. I believe whatever age our children are, we can and should talk about race with them.

    Why am I talking about this so much when I’m meant to be sharing practical ways to talk about race? Because you need to feel confident, and to do that you need to talk about and commit to learning about racism so you can process your thoughts first. 

    I’ve spoken with friends about this and how we need to keep sharing the books, writers, podcasters and influencers with each other and keep talking after the protests slow. There’s no judgement from me about any parent’s choice though.  

    One friend had chosen not to speak to their young children (4-7 years old) about it, it hadn’t come up at all. Another friend with older children had spoken to them. I’ve also been reading what friends and peers are saying online. 

    I believe we need to carry out an audit of our own language and behaviour. For example, thinking about how negative words are often associated with black – think black magic! There’s no exam to learn how to be an antiracist, but we can start now.

    This may sound confronting and hard work, because it is. Learning about my own White privilege is emotional. But it’s a lifelong journey of growing and learning to make conscious choices that will influence our children’s generation. 

    White Privilege Explained.jpeg

    Why We Need To Talk About Race With Our Children

    So you may be thinking, ‘children aren’t born racist – they don’t see colour’. Yes of course children aren’t born racist. Racism is a learnt behaviour which can be unlearned. But thinking children don’t see skin colour is where this goes wrong. 

    This is called being Colour Blind. This came about after the civil rights movements in the 1950s and 60s. It’s borrowed from Martin Luther King Jr’s speech, where he wanted people to see his kids for their character, not the colour of their skin. 

    So we’ve chosen to bring up children to believe that we’re all equal. Sadly this has muted the culture of minority groups, giving rise to inequality. It prevents us seeing that racism still exists in the UK and leaves us without the language to discuss race.

    Only by moving away from this approach, can we progress. Children learn watching their parents, so it’s vital that we talk about race in a positive way. Only by learning and making changes can our kids learn to question and fight unconscious bias.

    “I’m asking you not to be color blind but to be color brave”

    — Melody Hobson

    In our society, racism is frowned upon by the mainstream but still today, children from minority ethnic groups are facing a world of daily indignities and insults. All kids need to learn about these microaggressions for us to ever remove them from society. 

    So we have to face up to this being uncomfortable to discuss and put it into the context of what POC are having to discuss with their kids! But there is so much White parents don’t understand so we need to know we’re passing on correct information. 

    I read this amazing article by Brigitte Vittrup about how and why to talk to kids about race. She speaks about how by keeping quiet as parents, we can breed prejudice because children don’t understand what they see or hear. 

    The examples used in this article were very powerful for me, so I’ve shared them with other friends who are parents navigating their way through this. Having these conversations with friends and listening to each other’s opinions help us all learn.

    Brigitte tells of her 6 year old son’s friend coming to play. The boy looked at her, then her husband and asked why she was White and her husband was dark brown. It was an innocent question. She said ‘because he’s a nice man and we love each other’.

    The friend was satisfied with that answer and went off to play but the mother was mortified and gently scolded him. I imagine many of us would do the same, but think how confusing this must have been for him, when he was just saying what he’d seen. 

    Another example was of a 7 year old girl who had commented about there being lots of Chinese people working in a Thai restaurant. She’d been shushed but unfortunately this misses the point and is known as colourmute behaviour. 

    There is so much for White parents to learn but the conversation’s open. There’s no expectation to learn all of this overnight. But we need to talk about race together, and with our children for any hope of there being lasting change!

    How To Talk Sensitively To Your Child About Race

    I’ve researched, read and researched again to be as accurate as I can. So that I can share and support you to be sensitive as you talk about race to your child and have practical tools to guide you along the way.

    Firstly we need perspective. Safety is one of our basic human needs and all children should get this privilege. With White privilege, this means that White parents can give their children safety without having to consider the colour of their child’s skin. 

    To talk sensitively about race, we need to understand White privilege and this is hard work. You may remember me saying that this is the first time I’ve really questioned my own White privilege. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to worry about my child’s safety. 

    White privilege means we don’t have to worry if our child may be bullied for their skin colour or explain to our kids how to behave around the police. It does mean that we can use our White privilege to help make the world a safer place for everyone. 

    With young children, we have the perfect chance to start moulding minds to be racially aware. This needs to be at an appropriate level so I’d start with simple resources to draw on their experiences and learn to rebuff stereotypes. 

    Start doing this as soon as possible with your child so we can tackle unconscious racial bias more easily. All kids make judgements. but difficulties come in as they become more aware of race. Children may not know if to or how to ask questions,

    I mentioned Affinity Groups experiments earlier, where children are grouped by colour and then reunited. The BAME group came alive talking about their heritage but the White group were jealous. We all need to talk about race, heritage and culture.  

    Celebrating our own heritage can help children navigate this, especially as many White British children don’t know their heritage. It will help all children feel more comfortable about celebrating their culture. 

    A couple of things to be sensitive to when you talk about race with your child is using correct terminology, but go with your child’s level. Don’t worry about using the word racism as this helps them to understand how race can affect their friends. 

    Finally be guided by your child’s questions, if they ask they’re usually ready for the answer. Look for opportunities to talk about race, culture and bullying in everyday life. As they get older, talk about the things hardest to change, such as microaggressions. 

    Practical Ways You Can Discuss Race With Children Aged 2-18


    Early Years – 2-5 Years

    • Young children learn a huge amount in the early years. They learn from everything they do, whether playing by themselves or watching/listening to others. This means that we need to do the work to ensure they have positive experiences with race. 

    • Look at your child’s toy collection with characters involved, such as Duplo and dolls. Do they represent a diverse and realistic view of the world? There are toys that do this better than others but make a decision to choose toys that represent the world fairly, with race, ability, age, gender etc. all reflected.

    • Use playdough as a way to embrace colour tones. If you make this with your child you can talk about the ingredients all being the same. This great blog ‘How to teach kids about race with playdough’ has everything you need. 

    • You can reenact a TV show that has children from diverse races and cultures. All you need is some card and carefully chosen colouring pencils. Your child can draw the characters and you can talk about the colours they used, including for white people. 

      Go one step further with these amazing free downloads by Haley – The Colors Of Me . I love how this gives positive examples for describing colour tone. For example Brown Sugar, Oatmeal and Coffee Beans. If you want the full lesson then you can download it here.

    • Use play situations with small world e.g. creating a farm with farm workers, animals and props to help children see the world from their play. Check out my blog ‘25 Affordable Ideas For Wonderful Sensory Play’ for more ideas to develop fun play ideas to talk about race. 

    Children – 6-11 Years

    • There are so many day to day activities that we do that we can turn into learning experiences. For example, in that Thai restaurant, it’s right to correct the girl that the workers were probably from Thailand, explaining this is a different country to China, with a different language. Once home, you could find the countries on a map or globe and see where it takes the child’s mind.

    • Please check out your child’s book collection. Do they have a good representation of people from diverse backgrounds, races, cultures, abilities etc? Do they celebrate differences and represent your own child’s heritage and the cultures of other children in the community. 

    • If you’re reading a book to them and come across that has racist remarks, don’t just put the book down, use it’s as a learning opportunity on appropriate language. Explain why older books like ‘Peter Pan” are hurtful for Native Americans, or The Secret Garden, is blatantly racist. 

    • Model behaviour that shows children how to interrupt microaggressions with use of appropriate language around race and show them how to go about discussing racial discrimination and racist comments from others. 

    • Use diverse books as a way to open up a conversation with a 6 or 7 year old and give them a reference point. It’s important that there’s a range of people from different cultures, races and skin tones across all of their media too. Read this blog 7 Ways To Raise Race Conscious Kids’.

    Teens and Tweens – 11-18 Years

    • Speak with your kids about what’s happening in the world and discuss why and what you’re learning, for example white privilege or other terms we’d not heard before. It’s important to make it clear to your kids that this will take time and that this is a lifelong journey. 

    • Encourage your child to talk about race when big events are happening in the world and check in with them about any worries or questions they may have. Don’t worry if you’re unsure of the answer but don’t guess, go away and research to help you all show up. 

    • Youngest’s chosen to actively engage in this topic, choosing it for part of his English GCSE. He’s researched and written a speech about American Black History and the Civil Rights Movement. He’s worked so hard and was so engaging, he was able to answer our questions so eloquently.

    • Using opportunities like this can extend their understanding around the topic. Together we watched some amazing resources (links below), to help him narrow in on his key point. From this he’s understood how it all links back to slavery. My advice is to always be led by your child.

    • As a White mother, I’ve explained terms to my teens that I believe they need to know, even ones I’ve only just discovered them. This can be challenging so explain so if you’re not sure about the meaning of a word or acronym, take a little time to learn it together or get back to them.

    • Please visit my Pinterest board ‘Resources for Secondary School Learning’ for more ideas to talk about race with teenagers and great books for extending their knowledge.

    “When children ask these questions, all they need to hear is that “When you love someone, it doesn’t matter what colour they are” or “Friends come in all colours. As long as they’re nice, they can be your friend.”

    — Brigitte Vittrup

    Recommended resources to help you talk about race 

    * Disclaimer: this blog post contains affiliate links and any purchases made through such links will result in a small payment for me with no cost to you.

    To prepare for your own educational journey, I recommend these great resources: 

    I’m building a collection of these great articles, books and resources on my Pinterest account. Find the most appropriate tools for you by going to my boards. Look for ‘Resources for’, Resources and Rewards for’ and ‘Family Communication’ boards. Click here to visit my Pinterest Page.

    Final Words 

    To help our children understand we need to take action with our own learning, knowing it’s a marathon.. By understanding your child’s schools practices, you can support them. I hope the tools and resources I’ve shared here help you lift up different races and cultures in every aspect of your life.. 

    We can guide our children in being both sensitive and brave when asking questions to learn more, and feel safe to talk about race and racism. We need to be accountable for the action we take even those who’ve skim read.

    We have to unlearn the false sense of security that colour blindness gives us but also know becoming antiracist overnight is unattainable. There’s so much to read in this blog because this is a project where I’ll be writing more along my journey.

    “Whatever you have been doing… commit to more… Use the privilege and power you have… to amplify Black voices and speak up in white spaces to bring about real change.”

    — Melissa DePino and Michelle Saahene – From Privilege To Progress

    Please be kind and respect that this is a site for supporting Mums and families mental and physical well-being. I welcome any other ideas you have for positively talking about race, in the comments.

    Stay Safe
    Laura 💜

    P.S. I’ll be adding more blogs about communication which will support your family discussions, without letting anxiety beat you. So you don’t miss anything please sign up to my Strong Mum’s Mailing list here or at the end of the page.

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you! 

    View fullsize

    Practical ways to talk about race with your childPractical ways to talk about race with your child

    View fullsize

    Practical ways to talk about race with your childPractical ways to talk about race with your child

    View fullsize

    How To Talk Sensitively To Your Child About RaceHow To Talk Sensitively To Your Child About Race

    View fullsize

    How To Talk Sensitively To Your Child About RaceHow To Talk Sensitively To Your Child About Race

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1593908924672_253974 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1593908924672_253974 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

  • How To Develop Easy Strategies For Coping With Anxiety

    How To Develop Easy Strategies For Coping With Anxiety

    How To Develop Easy Strategies For Coping With Anxiety

    How To Develop Easy Strategies For Coping With Anxiety – Learn how to prioritise and calm your mind and focus on less

    Do you find your anxiety getting in the way of your life?

    If you’re anything like me then life on lockdown has brought all the thoughts and feelings of overwhelm crawling out of the shadows and interrupting your plans. That’s if your plans could be any more interrupted from most of the world being on lockdown.

    However, I have absolutely no intention of increasing those feelings of overwhelm, anxiety and panic that you’re probably trying to get away from right now, but it’s hard not to mention it, right?

    You’re a mum. You’re living with chronic illness or mental health problems. You may even be shielding. You may be living in a small space and feeling a lack of personal space. Life might just be full on, crazy, arghhh. 

    You may be worried about family you can’t see and so much more that it’s no wonder you’re feeling overwhelmed. But you know what, it’s okay not to be okay. If you feel the need to cry, cry. If you feel like curling up under the duvet right now, do it! Yours and your family’s well-being is all that’s important right now.

    If I was to recommend something to help with the stress than I find lavender an extremely useful oil to use when I’m anxious. My preferred way of using this at any time of day or night is to have this Neal’s Yard Calming Temple Salve to hand.

    But that’s the last reference I’m going to make to the C word. I’ll be focusing on overwhelm, anxiety and panic generally and what can contribute to these feelings. I’ll cover how you can limit the impact of these feelings on your everyday life and most importantly set you up with a plan for how to cope, when it does.

    By the end of this blog you will:

    • Understand why our body reacts to stress in the way it does

    • Have a way of making sense of your feelings of overwhelm

    • How to limit the impact of overwhelm on you and on your family

    • Have a plan to cope with anxiety when the unexpected happens

    * Disclaimer – this blog post contains affiliate links. Any purchases made through these links will give me a small monetary reward, without any cost to you. I only recommend products I genuinely like and use.

    Why does our body react to stress in this way?

    Stress is the body’s natural way of protecting us from harm. The brain reacts to stress in the same way it would have reacted to the threat of danger, when we were primal beings. The brain can’t tell the difference between real danger or not so our bodies react, which can be very scary. 

    Our brain gets confused so sends signals to our body that we’re in danger. Our heart rate increases, we breathe faster and are on high alert. This is known as the primal fight or flight response and it’s something we all experience, but in differing degrees. 

    At first our body may respond with a feeling of worry but this can increase to anxiety or panic attacks. We may sweat, feel dizzy, tense up or get fidgety. We can get stomach aches and even feel sick. It can be very unsettling and we may not know what to do.

    My advice is always to listen to your body, but to do that properly here you need to understand why it’s happening.

    “Don’t let your mind bully your body into believing it must carry the burden of its worries”

    — Astrid Alauda

    The Science Bit: 

    Every thought releases chemicals, so when we’re feeling happy or optimistic, cortisol levels decrease and our brain produces serotonin. This makes us feel less anxious and creates a feeling of well-being. However when the stress response occurs, the brain sends signals to the adrenal glands which pumps out cortisol, putting us on high alert and ready to fight or flee.

    To know what we need to do from here we need to dig a little below the surface and really consider what is making us feel like this. So I’m going to give you the tools to be able to work out what is going on for you. Obviously, this will be in the form of self help exercises. If you notice a worsening feeling whilst doing these, please stop and seek professional help.

    How you can make sense of your overwhelm

    I’ve dealt with overthinking, overwhelm and high anxiety levels since I became a mother. I’ve always been an overthinker but caring for small humans increased that, as I was on high alert from the pressure to do it all right, but also that primal need to protect my young. 

    I think many new mums go through this, in fact I still have this need to protect and my boys are teenagers now! Of course, we all experience this differently and the way I deal with overwhelm depends on the situation. However the journey I’m going to take you on now, uses a method that works for me most of the time.

    As a mum, you’re probably also dealing with other stresses in life, such as a trip to the supermarket, being stuck at the traffic lights at pick up time or sharing a few cross words at home. There will be other things lying around with these possible low level stressors right now but any of these are going to tip the balance.

    The Stress Scales Exercise – Part 1

    These stressors can be stuff at home, work, family, relationships or all of the above. Use this exercise to get stuff out of your head and get some breathing space. Just to be clear this isn’t the stress scale that psychologists use, it’s simply placing everything that’s going on in your mind into a visual you can work with. 

    Step 1

    I want you to imagine a set of old-fashioned scales. One side holds all the things that make you feel happy, calm, love and optimism. On the other,  I want you to imagine the things that are making you feel stress, anger, disrespect and negativity. These are your life balance scales, including everything in your life now.

    Download a PDF here to write or draw on or use a plain piece of paper.

    Once those scales have been tipped it’s going to take work to get back the balance you need to function well. You may be wondering how you go about this. You can’t help getting stuck in traffic jams or having work deadlines, right? Of course not, so you’re going to choose to take on something that you can control. 

    Step 2

    I want you to prioritise everything that’s been swirling in your mind and is now weighing down one side of those scales. I use the visual of stress scales as a simple way you can start to understand your overwhelm. You can write or draw, if you’re artistic, a simple representation of how your feelings are affecting your life. 

    You will need some coloured pens or pencils

    This is my example

    Put everything on your mind, that makes you feel happy and calm on one side of the scales. On the other, the things that are causing you any stress, negativity or even anxiety. Let this be a brain dump exercise. Getting all of the things that are playing on your mind down on paper often helps limit the impact on us. 

    Take a moment to consider if anything is missing from your image. This is an activity you can repeat regularly and whenever you feel the need to reassess. 

    Making a plan to limit the impact of overwhelm on you and on your family

    The simple exercise of getting your feelings down on paper begins the process of working through your feelings. Sometimes we try and bury the negativity or the pain. Whereas focusing on these feelings starts the process of working out what’s causing the majority of your overwhelm.

    When you know what your negative thoughts and feelings are, you can begin to take gradual steps towards making everything more manageable. Please take the next part of this exercise one step at a time. The worst thing you could do would be to allow these feelings to take control. Ask someone to help you if you need it.

    Step 3

    Now you have this visual representation of your stress, read what you’ve written or drawn. Maybe you notice a pattern in the mix. What is most urgent? What keeps getting pushed back to another date because of the urgency of work deadlines? Take as much time as you need to reflect on this.

    I believe that we can cope better with stressors when we push forward the importance of those things that make us feel happy. This goes back to the science of what happens in the brain when we think positive thoughts. So is there something you could do more often from your positives? Maybe this could be one of your priorities?

    Step 4

    Now look at the list of stressors in more detail and start to prioritise. My advice here is to prioritise as little as possible, whether it’s things at work or home. The reason for doing this is so you can take back control of as much of life as you can.

    How to make the choice of what you prioritise? 

    This is the difference between what’s urgent and what’s important. It’s easy to confuse and get overwhelmed and create a big list. This is about taking that away and finding the one thing you need to do now. 

    Start by using coloured pens (of your choosing) and make a note of:

    • A few things that are top priority (can be 2 colours)

    • Things that you have to do now

    • Things that you can do later

    • Things that you don’t need to do at all

    • Things that need to be done on a regular basis

    Now everything is colour coded, look again at what you’ve prioritised. I find it really important to reflect regularly on whether expectations are realistic. Have you prioritised using your own expectations of yourself or expectations put on you by others?

    Step 5

    Work out what you can control out of those higher priority tasks. Finding things we can control helps us feel less overwhelmed and can lessen the feelings of anxiety. This should narrow down your list. If you’re putting that pressure on yourself, is it a vital task? Can that job be left for a bit longer without causing problems. 

    Once you’ve done that you can prioritise one of these tasks that you have to do now but are also important for your well-being. We all cope differently with stressors so this is something you need to think through yourself. 

    If something work wise is weighing heavily and only you can do it, then it’s priority. Or if your toddler is constantly drawing on the walls that you’ve just painted, then that might be what’s stressing you out the most. You can even make a pros and cons list here if you really can’t decide.

    Choose just ONE of these priority tasks.

    Step 6

    The next step is to create small goals to work with as this is easier for your brain to cope with than a large, final outcome. For example: you have to deal with your child being rude to you when they come off of the Xbox. What do you want to achieve? What does the finished outcome look like? Work backwards from here.

    Create 3-4 steps you need to put in place to reach the outcome. Start with a small step by looking closely at what’s going on. What will be the least stressful set of actions? The last thing you want is more stress. Write the goals in positive language, for example, ‘I will respond to rudeness by taking a deep breath and counting to ten. 

    Ask yourself these questions: 

    • Is the overall outcome realistic and achievable? 

    • How long will it take to get there? 

    • Do the steps to get to the end point make sense?

    • What help will I/We need to meet each small goal?

    Step 7

    Finally, go back to that list of things that make you happy. For me this is family time or spending some time pampering myself. Go back to each of the steps for your goal and place a reward for when you achieve the goal, using the things that make you happy. It could be a bubble bath or a family picnic on the lounge floor. 

    You can save the best reward for the final outcome. If your goal involves someone else’s behaviour then be sure to reward them too. It could even be something you haven’t got on your scales now but want to. 

    The idea of this exercise is to find the balance so that you can move those things over to the other side of the scales and feel like you have control over the things you need to do. I find that one long list of things to do isn’t helpful for my mindset. By breaking it up like this you can get a clearer image of what you need to do.

    “If we are stressed out, we won’t be ‘joyful mothers of children.’ Balance is key”

    — Katherine Leigh

    How I cope with anxiety when the unexpected happens

    I don’t know about you but when the unexpected happens I get thrown. It can be as simple as my routine changing or seeing a friend at the last minute. I know that sounds off, don’t get me wrong, I love being with friends, even via video call, but it can leave me feeling like I haven’t achieved what I’d planned for the day. 

    This used to be really stressful for me. However, I’ve developed a system in my planner so that I can carry things over to another day, week or even month. This goes back to my priorities, Is it more important to be with my children or clean out that cupboard? Again, this is a very personal thing but it helps.

    Using a journal is a wonderful way to record your feelings, write daily intentions and reflections. These actions will become a healthy habit and this will help you think more positively about situations or work through strong emotions during a huge life event.

    I said before that most of the stress I feel is because I expect so much of myself. It wasn’t until we had family therapy and my boys felt able to tell both Joel and myself that we should give ourselves a break, that I really noticed. They were in upper primary school, but their words meant a lot to us both.

    Now I remind myself of all the small things I’ve achieved each day, whether they’re part of my priority goal or not. I write down the things I’ve achieved or am pleased about in my journal. I do this every day, even on the bad days, I try my hardest to find the small wins as this helps me think positively, reducing my anxiety levels.

    If your anxiety is severe and you suffer from flashbacks then this self help article from getselfhelp.co.uk explains how grounding techniques can be used to bring you into the present if you suffer from distress and trauma. However, please seek medical advice if you feel you need help with your feelings right now. 

    Developing Coping Strategies For Anxiety That Work For You

    But what happens when all these little things fail? You’ll need something to fall back on that you know works and is tried and tested. If you are looking for something to help you when the unexpected happens then I recommend reading this blog I wrote about Meditation For Well-being.

    However, there are other, simple exercises called grounding techniques that can help get you back on track when you feel out of control, anxiety or panic. They are easy to use when you feel overwhelmed, anxious or even during a panic attack. 

    If you just can’t wait, grab my free easy grounding techniques guide now. Click here to download this guide to help you develop your own coping strategies for living with invisible illnesses. 

    I believe that having support on your journey to coping with chronic illness and everything that comes with it, is priceless. This blog skims the surface of this topic but it’s the perfect start for tackling the stress you’re feeling right now by finding strategies that work for you. 

    What Are Grounding Exercises?

    Grounding exercises are calming strategies you can use as a simple way to calm you when you’re suffering from anxiety or panic attacks. They help you keep your mind and body working together, making you focus on the ‘here and now’, to ground yourself when everything’s getting too much. 

    When you’re feeling overwhelmed, being able to connect your mind and body using your senses, brings you into the present. This helps you to break patterns that lead to the anxiety or panic attacks. They can be as simple as breathing exercises or as structured as a traditional meditation.

    I’ve created a quick guide to grounding exercises where I share my top 5 techniques and easy tips to help you learn them off by heart so you can access them more easily when you’re experiencing fear or anxiety. You can get this guide by signing up to my email at the bottom of this page.

    I recently shared one of these grounding exercises on social media and it helped so many people that I’ve decided to share it here for you ⬇, it’s also in the guide. This gives you a taster of how packed full of value, my newsletter will be for you.

    5 senses exercise – 5 4 3 2 1

    This 5 4 3 2 1 grounding technique is great for children too. Check out this article from Coping Skills For Kids. It explains this exercise very clearly. I’ve also set up my free guide with fun ways to learn this and the other techniques, most suitable for children. I know that these exercises would have helped Eldest when he was fighting severe anxiety.

    The Takeaway

    Firstly, if you can understand why our body reacts to stress the way it does, you can rationalise it. When you feel overwhelmed, it’s okay to feel like you’re out of control and it’s normal to feel that drop in your stomach and your heart racing. Remind yourself it’s your brain sending signals to your body to protect you from fear.

    Finding a way of making sense of your feelings of overwhelm and stress is so important. The stress scales exercise I’ve shared with you might not be for you. However, finding the patterns is often the first step towards limiting the impact of overwhelm on you and on your family. 

    This will be different for everyone and probably different for you in different situations. Once you’ve prioritised your needs and the needs of your family, you can look at those patterns and create a plan to help put you back in control. Remember that we all have days when our systems don’t work. 

    Please remember that it’s okay not to be okay, especially right now. You may find that you need to put everything away and snuggle in pyjamas watching TV all day. You may find that organising and sorting helps keep you distracted. Whatever it is that suits you, you need a plan for coping when things don’t go to plan. 

    I’ll share more with you soon but if you need support please email at strengthoftears@gmail.com and I’ll see if I or someone I know, can help you.

    Stay safe, 

    Laura 💜

    P.S. If you need more support with anxiety showing up when the unexpected happens, then please grab your free copy of my ‘5 grounding techniques you need for coping with anxiety’ guide. These exercises have helped me so much and they are so easy to learn.

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇  Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you! 

    View fullsize

    How To Develop Easy Strategies For Coping With Anxiety How To Develop Easy Strategies For Coping With Anxiety

    View fullsize

    How to develop easy strategies for coping with anxietyHow to develop easy strategies for coping with anxiety

    View fullsize

    How to develop easy strategies for coping with anxietyHow to develop easy strategies for coping with anxiety

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1586272270979_128386 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1586272270979_128386 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

  • 10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother’s Day At Home

    10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother’s Day At Home

    10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother’s Day At Home

    Mother’s Day is celebrated at different times around the world. In the UK we celebrated on Sunday 22nd March in 2020 but elsewhere, Americans, Germans and many other countries are celebrating this May.

    When I wrote this blog the UK was on the brink of lockdown and it had a huge impact on our normal traditions. It’s still going to be a very different type of celebration for countries celebrating this may, still affected in some way.

    In the UK and Ireland, Mothering Sunday has been celebrated on the fourth Sunday of Lent since the 16th century. It was traditionally a day to visit the church where people were baptised.

    However Mother’s Day celebrations date back to the ancient Greeks where they would celebrate Rhea, the Mother of the Gods and Goddesses every spring. The Romans also celebrated a Mother Goddess, named Cybele.

    In 2020, Mothering Sunday is a very different affair as we’re in the midst of an unprecedented global pandemic. This means that instead of the usual trips to restaurants or theatres to celebrate Mother’s Day, it’s going to a less social occasion. Most of us still can’t travel unnecessarily or gather in groups but I guess people are interpreting advice not to kiss, themselves. 🙊

    All of these rituals and activities are ingrained in our culture as things to do to show our Mothers or Mother figures, how much we appreciate them. We might even enjoy being treated to a special day out ourselves.

    Although I’ll do my best to give accurate information, please take your information from a trusted, accurate source, such as the NHS Direct website – 111 NHS or https://coronavirus.gov

    “Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother”

    — Oprah Winfrey

    Mother’s Day in 2020

    We will celebrate Mother’s Day in 2020 in a manner never experienced my most of us. As we continue to work from home and many countries still ensuring that schools are closed, I’m sure most of us have had to adapt our plans in some way.

    Those of us with pre-existing chronic conditions and the vulnerable, especially elderly parents and grandparents, have to be especially careful. Whilst those who are especially susceptible are, and have been, isolated for months

    Joel (my husband) thought he had an extra week to prepare for Mother’s Day here in the UK, until I started writing this 😂.I was still treated to flowers, cards and chocolates and as I had high pain, we watched a movie in bed. It was wonderful!

    As a mostly bed-bound Mum, the rare days I can get out are few and far between. Even when we have gone out to celebrate special days, it’s to a local rural pub for lunch instead of the days we’d head into London or Brighton.

    All of this aside, the most important thing for me is to be able to spend time with my family and have some fun with my boys. We’re now well practised in finding ways to celebrate special days, even when I’m stuck in bed.

    *Disclaimer this site does not offer medical advice and with the nature of this ever-changing situation the guidelines I’m referring to are likely to change. Please check the most recent guidelines and seek medical attention if needed.

    Keeping Positive on Mother’s Day This Year

    This is so tough for all of us around the world right now. The best way to beat this is to find boredom busters and new forms of entertainment. Keep positive by adapting from your ”normal and make the best of whatever your situation is.

    I know this is a very uncertain time but I want to offer you positive alternatives, many of which are free, for those of you who aren’t used to being stuck at home. I hope my ideas can help you celebrate Mother’s Day at home in 2020.

    However, If you need more support with remaining calm this Mother’s Day then please grab a copy of my Meditation For Well-Being Guide by clicking here. It helps you take some time out from the stress, even if you think you’re fine, you may have a delayed reaction of you don’t look after your well-being now.

    a white woman holds tulips to celebrate mother's day

    As an experienced stuck at home mum on Mother’s Day, I’m sharing my top 10 favourite gifts to receive and my favourite activities to do at home.

    Please use these ideas for celebrating Mother’s Day in isolation from the world, social distancing or keep them in your back pocket for the many weeks ahead.

    You may want to nudge and wink and land a massive hint drop at your partner i.e. get them to read this. Some ideas are ways to have fun whilst spending the day together. If you or your Mother is finding this situation very stressful I have these two amazing blogs for developing coping strategies for stress and anxiety.

    The Surprising Benefits Meditation Can Have On Your Well-Being Or

    How To Develop Easy Strategies For Coping With Anxiety

    10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother’s Day at Home

    Firstly, I’m writing these as a mum at home with my young(ish) family but there are suggestions, if you or a loved one is considered to be in a vulnerable category or lives far away after in the section below.

    • Mums/Guardians will appreciate anything to show that their children have thought of them so any gesture, big or small, can make their day.

      Personally, when my boys were little, I loved all their homemade cards and gifts from school or nursery and things they made for me at home. I still have some of these displayed years later.

      • Mum’s/Guardians love seeing their child’s imagination, so if the kids go big help them create their vision. I still use the mug they painted for me with Joel’s help.

      • Get the children to design something and send their design off to be printed on a T-shirt or notebook.

      • If you’re feeling brave, make her smile by letting the kids make her something they take full control of. Hazard!!! Good luck if you go with this one! 😂

    • I don’t know many Mums or Mother figures who don’t love receiving a bunch of flowers. It may be an easy option, but it’s oh so lovely. It would cheer any mum in self-isolation up, that’s for sure! Traditional flowers for Mother’s Day are: –

      • Carnations were given to all Mothers at a local church forthat service in the USA by Anna Jarvis. a famous campaigner. This is now the most popular choice.

      • Gerbera Daisies and Tulips both represent happiness, so if your Mum is a bubbly one, or she needs cheering up, these are a great choice.

      • Lilies symbolise a mother figure in many Asian cultures, making these an ideal choice for a Mother’s Day bouquet.

    • Make her a traditional breakfast in bed. The children can decide and could even make her a menu. Spruce it up with a fancy folded napkin or a handmade flower. See these links for instructions: Easy Tissue Paper Flowers or DIY Paper Flowers Craft video

    • Let older children plan, buy, prepare and cook lunch or bake a cake for her. Just make sure she doesn’t get involved. If the kids need help, still try to let them solve problems themselves unless it involves not knowing how to use a knife/pan/oven etc safely.

      Remember, this will require a mountain of patience and heaps more time than if you were doing it.

    • Give Mama a pamper treat. You may want to drop some hints about the pamper products you like, especially if you can’t use certain products. I highly recommend Green People Everyday Organics Purify & Protect Collection Gift Set.

      • Give her a gentle shoulder massage, this is great if you have one of those massage rollers

      • Run her a bath, using lovely bubble bath or rock salt and essential oils (10 drops in total)

      • Have a girly afternoon doing face-masks and foot massages

      • Paint her nails, maybe use a colour she wouldn’t normally use to help her feel positive – maybe a yellow or bright pink. if she’s not going out – play!

    • Play cards or board games. Let Momma choose the first game, it is her day after all.

    • If your country is allowing it, you could go for a walk in the local countryside, somewhere off the beaten track where you can stay the recommended distance from each other.

    • If you’re allowed to drive, be it essential journeys only even, you can go on, what we call, a secret destination drive but staying local or as part of an errand.

      Play is everybody taking turns to give the driver directions. if you’re the only adult join in too. (Check travel guidelines in your country of course).

      When approaching a junction the player gets to choose whether you go left, right or straight over. Obviously only follow instructions if you can do so safely. If you get stuck in a dead end, don’t worry, just turn around, We ended up at an army barracks once, the guns made us turn around rather hastily.

      You can decide the amount of miles or a time beforehand or you can just go with the flow and say that _____ will have the last turn when you’ve had enough or reached the shops.

    • Have a garden picnic if the weather’s good or a floor picnic if not. The kids can make a tent for you to go in, take some snacks and teddies too if they want to join in. You could all tell stories or take turns making up a story , one word at a time.

      With younger children you can play storytelling games, such as ‘I went to the shops and I bought (something beginning with a) and so on. Or play Kim’s game: 10 objects on a tray, covered with a cloth. An adult removes an object and hides it whilst everyone else has their eyes closed. The kids have to guess what’s missing.

    • Create a treasure hunt. Younger children could hide 10 dolls/cars etc or make it more like a scavenger hunt where the kids write 10 things she has to find beginning with… Slightly older children could write the names of 15 items to find.

      Older children could write a set of clues leading to a gift. Great ways to do this is finding a book and a word/letter on a page or hiding something in the biscuit tin. .There are so many options with this and the beauty is, probably, that the kids can do it all.

      If you need any more ideas think classics, such as having movie night with sweets, popcorn and the kids making the tickets. Mummy gets to choose the movie for a change. In the spirit of the day, get the kids to do the cleaning or let her have a long lie in. Make her a cocktail or her favourite snack. You can still make this a day to remember.

    Ways To Celebrate Mother’s Day When You Can’t Be With Your Mum or Mother Figure

    If you’re wondering what you can do if she’s vulnerable or she lives far away, and you haven’t already, get her set up on Skype, Zoom or Facetime and eat brunch together. You could sign up to an online choir or exercise group.

    Send a gorgeous hamper or something to look forward to, like a spa treatment or a pottery class, for when this is over. Choose the destination wisely and make sure the expiry date is many, many months away.

    Sign her up to an online yoga class, mindfulness course or buy a craft ‘how to’ guide, so she can learn a new skill. While you’re there why not sign up to and learn together.

    If your Mother lives nearby and you’re allowed to go for a short walk, why not visit her, lockdown style. Agree to call when you get there and then have a chat the path. If you can sit outside and share a cuppa through a window (take your own tea in a flask). Be sure to follow your government guidelines or laws.

    Above all, give her a phone call so she knows that you’re there for her whenever she needs you. Brighten up her day!. I hope these ideas help you find ways to celebrate Mother’s Day in the most positive way that you can.

    Have you get any ideas that I haven’t mentioned? If so pop them in the comments below so we can all see them.

    Wishing you all a happy and above all, safe Mother’s Day.

    Best Wishes,

    Laura 💜

    View fullsize

    10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother's Day At Home10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother's Day At Home

    View fullsize

    10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother's Day At Home10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother's Day At Home

    View fullsize

    10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother's Day At Home10 Wonderful Ways To Celebrate Mother's Day At Home

    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1666289101331_323734 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid { margin-right: -20px; }
    #block-yui_3_17_2_1_1666289101331_323734 .sqs-gallery-block-grid .sqs-gallery-design-grid-slide .margin-wrapper { margin-right: 20px; margin-bottom: 20px; }

    ✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.  ⬆Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I’ll do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!