Strength Of Tears

Strength Of Tears Blog

Why You Need An Instructive Journaling Guide To Beat Toxic Negative Self Talk
Why You Need An Instructive Journaling Guide To Beat Toxic Negative Self Talk

Do you ever obsess over a mistake or unkind word? Do you feel shame for being vulnerable or dismiss negative emotions? These are self-talk examples from your inner critic or Judgy McJudge voice – the toxic voice in your head that can hold you back from success.

You’re either an optimistic or pessimistic person, and this determines whether your self-talk is positive or negative. It influences how you see yourself and the world around you. But ‘all or nothing’ thinking is how your inner voice becomes toxic, so you need to find balance.

I can help you identify your first step to change. Learn how to silence the devil on your shoulder by getting down and dirty with your inner critic. The journaling guide I’m writing will help you spot targets for your toxic negativity, use positive self-talk phrases and much more.

This blog explores negative and positive self-talk, negativity bias and how to balance your inner narrative. I share my experience of taking out my toxic thought cycle and discovering my inner guide. Finally I share strategies on how to develop balanced positive self-talk phrases.

Beat Toxic Negativity And Find Positive Self Talk Phrases

Negative self-talk can be suffocating and affect us and those around us. When I was first sick, I felt immense guilt which seeped toxicity into my family life. This guilt came from my inner critic which, to me, sounded like a critical parent, but this sounds different for everyone.

Positive self-talk can also become toxic, if you force positive thinking. Suppressing or dismissing negative emotions is an example of toxic positivity and is not what I’m recommending. We need to find balance and therefore, we know that we learn from making mistakes.

Self-talk is, however, more likely to become toxic negativity so I’m focusing on how to conquer this. It’s probably the most important act of self care you can do. Although it’s manageable, it will take time and patience so using a journaling guide helps you find your way.

Finding your positive inner voice or inner guidance can change how you approach life’s challenges. This isn’t ignoring negative thoughts, rather, reframing your viewpoint. To find the positive self-talk phrases you need, you first need to identify your self-talk styles.

Negative Self-talk can sound like:
- Catastrophising – thinking of worst case scenarios all the time or taking what someone has said and going all in e.g. “She was right, I’m not a good mum, I’m always shouting.”
- Personalising – where you blame yourself e.g. “I’m unfriendly” if someone communicates badly or ‘I’m a failure’ when you make one tiny error.
- Polarising – where you only see the world in black and white, ignoring any positives in a situation e.g. “I messed up that new system at work today so my boss is annoyed with me.”
- Magnifying – leading your mind into a fear-based fantasy e.g. “I’m never going to get that promotion.”
Your negative inner voice can be useful, warning you of the negative impact something may have. An instructive journaling guide shows us how this self-talk type can help us achieve a goal. It also ensures that you keep your self-talk balanced with positive self-talk phrases.

However, negative self-talk can have severe affects on your mental health such as increased anxiety, lower motivation, missed opportunities because you talk yourself out of doing something that would be a success. This blog from anxiety-gone.com explores this is more detail.

Positive Self-talk can sound like:
- Minimising – reducing the impact of something someone has said or done to you, or of how you feel about something e.g, “It doesn’t matter what she said, I know I’m a good mum.”
- Absolution – where you forgive yourself e.g. “It’s not my fault if they didn’t communicate what they wanted to me” or “It’s okay, I’ll try again’ if you make a mistake.
- Connecting – where you see the grey areas in a situation, seeing both positives and negatives e.g. “I messed up that new system at work so we can all learn from my mistake.”
- Self awareness – talking yourself down from a disaster e.g. “I might embarrass myself, but the interview is experience.” Or it makes you think twice e.g. “I shouldn’t feel like this.”
The journaling guide I’m creating is focused on exploring negative and positive emotions which are interlinked with your inner voice. To find your inner guide; try different approaches to see what works for you, identify patterns and switch it up with positive self-talk phrases.

“When you start paying attention to the type of self-talk you are using, you can take the steps to overcome the effects.
With awareness of the self-talking pattern, you can modify your thinking, improve your mental health, and reduce negative feelings.”
Heather Rashal

The Negativity Bias And Its Impact On Your Wellbeing

Before self-talk can become your guide, you must be aware of how negative bias affects your inner voice. Subconsciously you’ll lean toward negative thoughts, actions and beliefs from infancy, due to a primal need to focus on the danger all around us, for survival.

Negative bias pushes the pain of disapproval more strongly than the comfort of appreciation. The absence of positive self-talk phrases influences your behaviour, decisions and relationships negatively.

“Our brains are hardwired to remember negative experiences over positive ones, so we recall the times we didn’t quite get it right more than the times we do. We then replay these messages in our minds, fuelling negative feelings.” Gregory L. Jantz – 2016

For example, we will:
- Retain memories and sensory links to past traumas.
- Hold on to blame, even if we were praised for the same event
- Think about negative things more often than positive ones
- Learn more from negative events and reactions.
Negative self-talk affects your mental wellbeing, often damaging your confidence, increasing stress levels, triggering feelings of shame or self-blame and crushing your self-love. It can also lead to or worsen mental health issues, such as anxiety, depression and PTSD.

In my case, I had a life-long tendency towards guilt and self-blame, but this worsened considerably when I got sick. My breakthrough was working with my life coach, who used journaling guided exercises to help me gain awareness of my self-blame and guilt.

The work revolved around making my thought process adaptable. I imagined a creature saying these negative phrases and named it the Guilt Goblin. Doing this helped me push the negative away and use positive self-talk phrases to tip the scales for more balance.
My Guilt Goblin

I nicknamed this imaginary figure to tell my brain that I don’t have to agree.
It shows me that my critical thoughts are ridiculous.

Using this nickname for the feelings of guilt and self-blame in my negative thought cycle have helped me break from away from this toxic negative self-talk.
Your brain craves stimulation to challenge negative self-talk. Having a journaling guide helps acknowledge these negative thoughts so you can challenge them and create a more positive outlook, which results in inner guidance that builds your self worth.

An effective journaling guide creates space to reflect on your negative experiences, so you can find patterns and learn from them, halting negative toxicity. This allows you to change how you talk to yourself, which has a roll-on effect in how you behave with others.

I’m often asked how I keep positive, living with unrelenting pain. I use positive self-talk phrases or affirmations, to provide inner guidance to help me focus on the journey, not the destination. I learn from the negatives and preserve positive experiences, letting go of the rest.

How Targeted Journaling Can Really Boost Your Positive Self Talk Phrases

Establishing practices to create balance has driven my creation of the targeted journaling guide. Focusing on positive and negative thoughts allows you to tune into your inner guide and believe you can achieve. Initiating positive self-talk phrases promotes an optimistic outlook.

Studies have shown that optimistic thinkers are more successful, do better academically and recover more quickly from surgery. You can develop a positive mindset using a targeted journaling guide that focuses on self-belief and meeting your goals.

Negative bias means you’ll listen more to the devil than the Angel on your shoulder. This allows self-doubt, shame, guilt and misguided worry to tip the scales the wrong way for your mental health. But you can stop toxic negative self-talk dominating your mind if you work at it.

I don’t mean ignoring life’s challenges, rather finding productive ways to cope with stress. By redistributing positive self-talk phrases you can develop a constructive inner dialogue. Balancing your mind and the world around you, enables you to develop a steadier inner guide.

Here’s how to start your journey to reframe your thoughts:
1. Your internal narrative is constant so you need to develop self awareness of your thoughts. Pause to tune in to your brain’s frequency, remembering that not every thought you have is true.
2. Learn to recognise negative self-talk or when you dwell on an issue. Don’t try to stop your thoughts, this has the opposite effect, but try to think of solutions. You won’t always need to act but going over the steps you’d take helps you to move on.
3. Recognise your own negative bias by considering both sides of an argument, then ask if your thoughts are accurate. Make time to reflect on the patterns to show you the opposite is true when your thoughts become overly negative.
4. Switch gears – when a negative thought enters your mind, stop and think how to flip the phrase using positive language. For example, ‘this is too much change’ to ‘I’ll tackle this one bit at a time’ or ‘I can’t do this’ to ‘I’ll learn the next step.’
5. Use positive self-talk phrases or affirmations regularly. Such as “I am capable and strong, I can do this’ or ‘I am proud of myself for having the courage to try”. Say these out loud for full effect and have visual cues, such as in a journaling guide.
6. Consider the advice you’d give a friend in a negative frame of mind. You wouldn’t tell them they’re stupid or a loser, so why say this to yourself? Offer yourself the same kindness and encouragement you’d show a loved one.
7. Check-in with your emotions regularly, identifying different feelings can be tricky as there are blurred lines. My journaling guide has a system for looking at opposite emotions so you can balance them.
8. Try “thought-stopping”, where you use an action to change to another thought if you have extremely critical thoughts. Try pinging a rubber band on your wrist, read aloud positive self-talk phrases or affirmation cards or visualise a stop sign.
  
  The following methods are for longer term changes. This is where the Journey To Balance Journal, your targeted journaling guide, will help you plan long term strategies for finding a balanced inner guide.
- Identify your negative self-talk traps, such as feeling anxious in large social events. Knowing which areas of your life you lean more negatively to, allows you to make a focused plan of when and how to approach each area more positively.
- Create boundaries by reducing or removing contact with people who encourage negative talk. Strong boundaries are essential in life so teach your inner voice how to say no by collecting phrases that help you stick to your own lane.
- Go with your worst case scenario so you can see that the catastrophe you’re predicting is very unlikely. Remind yourself of real situations where things haven’t gone well, so you know that you can handle difficult outcomes,
- Work on accepting your flaws and plan how to address the things you want to change at the same time. Remember that the process of using this targeted journaling guide is to help you find balance in life and your inner voice.
- Plan uplifting activities to break the cycle of negative self-talk. Examples of this – breathing exercises, dancing, singing, going for a walk or talking to a friend about something else.
- Show gratitude for positive moments, big or small, using your journaling guide to record them. Your brain needs more positive experiences to make them count so record and make time to re-read your journal often to reinforce this.
Look out for my new journaling guide, coming soon. The core focus is on balancing your emotions but with my top positive self-talk phrases, it’s perfect to kickstart finding your inner voice balance.
Get on my Journey To Balance Journal Waitlist Today

If You’re Still Wondering…

What is self-talk and why does it matter?

Self-talk is the voice in your head and can be positive or negative. Your inner voice is personal but most of us have experienced getting stuck on a thought about your own or another’s actions or comments. It can become all-consuming, leading to toxic negativity.

If you let this voice become heavier on one side it takes much more work to reframe it. Positive self-talk is thought to lead to self-esteem, healthier relationships and problem-solving skills. It has even been linked to lower stress levels and better general wellbeing.

“The mind is like Velcro for negative thoughts and Teflon for positive ones”

— Rick Hanson
Negative bias is where negative interactions stick over positive ones of equal weight. This leaves negative self-talk as the more prominent voice and it can easily become toxic. If you put in the work to reframe your inner narrative you can develop a strong inner guidance.

Dull the devil on your shoulder and develop the strategies you need with your journaling guide. The Journey To Balance Journal engages your inner narrative so you can find your inner guide at your own pace,

Whether you’re fresh faced and fancy free, a contrary, crumbling crank or a ready and raring rebel, pause for a moment. Take every opportunity to check your self-talk and give yourself some love today!

And Finally…

If you are suffering from a toxic negative-self talk cycle you may need more than my advice. I am a trained mentor and because of my own experience, I can guide you from personal experience, in confidence. However I am not a trained, mental health professional.

If you feel unsafe due to persistent and invasive, negative thoughts, or are having difficulty looking after yourself, please seek a medical professional’s opinion:
- Talk to your doctor about the first steps to help when negative self-talk takes over. They can connect you with the right help.
- Therapists can help you explore how and why you’ve learnt negative ways of thinking, usually from parents or caregivers. They can provide effective and customised ways to improve your relationship with yourself and others.
- Cognitive behavior therapy (CBT) or acceptance or commitment therapy (ACT) will teach you the skills you need to manage false logic or overestimated threat.
- If you feel that you need support because you’re worrying more than usual, having thoughts and feelings that are difficult to deal with or aren’t enjoying life and need support, I recommend this guide from mind.org.uk.
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✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬆️ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save these images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!
01/05/2022
What Are Young Carers Capable Of With Focused Vision For The Future
What Are Young Carers Capable Of With Focused Vision For The Future

Families living with chronic illness come across many obstacles so many develop new ways of working when a parent or sibling becomes ill. The complexity of each family’s situation is unique and wide-ranging but I believe every family can have joyful moments.

Our family has worked as a team since I became disabled and mostly bed-bound due to chronic illness. We’ve found the importance of effective communication crucial to our family going beyond just coping. We chose to be open and honest and prioritising our well-being, so we can thrive individually and as a family. Read this blog about putting your well-being first.

In late 2014, after my condition had worsened significantly, I was allocated a social worker who wanted me to have paid care to take the pressure off of Joel. My boys remember key moments from that time and can now articulate their feelings and reflect on their journey.

By seeing life through the eyes of young carers, we can recognise the obstacles to an enriched future and empathise with them. By listening to young carers’ views we can adapt negative situations into positive experiences and focus on their individual needs.

What Are Young Carers?

Young carers are under 18 or young adults who help to look after a relative with a disability, illness and mental health or addiction problems. Caring can be an isolating experience but with the right support there’s a much better chance of future success.

Young carers are likely to achieve at a level significantly lower than the expected levels for their stage in schooling. Covid19 has urgently increased the support Young carers need to narrow the gap.

It’s thought that as many as one in five young people are young carers (University of Nottingham 2018), with the COVID-19 pandemic many more children are taking on care responsibilities.

What are Young carers tasks?
- Practical tasks, like cooking, cleaning or shopping.
- Physical care, such as aiding someone with poor mobility.
- Emotional support, including talking to someone in a panic.
- Personal care, such as helping someone get dressed.
- Organisation, including sorting mail and bills.
- Managing collecting prescriptions or sorting medication.
- Communication support, such as making phone calls.
- Home help including looking after siblings.
Young carers may be giving care from a young age and don’t know any difference, but others may become carers overnight. Children usually want to help loved ones but it’s your choice how much and the type of care you give, or whether you should be a carer at all.

Young carers shouldn’t be caring for someone in the same way as an adult carer, some jobs just aren’t appropriate. Read this blog about caring, an interview with an adult carer. It’s vital that they don’t spend too much time as this can affect their achievement at school and keep them from normal childhood activities, isolating them.

What Rights Are There For Young Carers UK

Young Carers Action Day raises awareness and calls for action to increase support for young people with caring responsibilities. The recent 2022 action day put focus is on reducing isolation for young and young adult carers including access to short breaks from home and school. Read more here.
Young Carers UK

When good practice is in place, Young carers have access to essential freedom from caring responsibilities. This supports what are Young carers education, training, work and leisure opportunities for a better future.

These actions are important support for young carers uk. When good practice is in place, Young carers have access to essential freedom from caring responsibilities. This supports what are Young carers education, training, work and leisure opportunities for a better future.

““A young carer’s assessment can determine whether it’s appropriate for you to care for someone else, and takes into account whether you want to be a carer.””

— NHS

A whole family approach is expected practice and considers how care needs impact all affected, carer or not. It places an emphasis on the young carer’s views and identifies the required support so they know they can reach their full potential and thrive!

What Support Is Available For Young Carers

Young carers need to know someone is looking out for them so there are vital services that help young people balance caring with being a child or young adult. This can be achieved by providing regular breaks and fun activities with other carers and even as a family.

These organisations help young carers acknowledge their parent’s or other family member’s illness or condition and are supported so that they can achieve like their peers. They are taught how to cope, build positive relationships, avoid isolation and plan for their future.

One enterprise is the ME-WE project aiming to strengthen 15-17 year old Carers’ resilience as they become adults. The goal is to impact positively on their mental health and well-being and ease the negative influence of social and environmental factors in their lives.

What are Young carers, able to access as support is wide ranging. The support offers information, advice and practical support. I’ve listed links to many of these at the end of this blog, including pages that have invaluable information themselves.

My Children’s Views On Caring For Me

What are young carers’ views? This has become a crucial question in working with the whole family in UK formal assessments. I think all families caring for someone should ask this question every day. Being open and honest builds family connection and empathy

Children have a unique insight into what happens in their family but it’s hard to know when and how to talk about so much around chronic illnesses. Hearing my boys talk about crisis times when they were so young has shown me how seeing my pain must have affected them.

Do I wish they hadn’t had to go on this journey, watching their mum in debilitating pain, crying as I crawled up the stairs each night? Do I wish they could have had opportunities I couldn’t offer? Not anymore. I now see the positive results from their experiences as carers.

What are young carers able to benefit from that their peers can’t?

As a family we’ve developed trust and transparency in every facet of our lives. The boys will be able to cope with any obstacles they’ll face and I’m always here to help them focus on the vision for their futures.

The strategies we’ve developed over time have been shaped by family therapy and my research. But it takes time and effort to get to a point where your child can speak frankly about their experiences.

18 Surprising Truths:

What Are Young Carers Life Opportunities

Young Carer’s Opportunities

Families living with chronic illness come across many obstacles so develop new ways of working when a parent or sibling becomes ill. The complexity of each family’s situation is unique but I believe every family can have joyful moments.
My Eldest son turned 18 last month, so here are 18 truths based on anecdotal evidence in the chronic illness community and my boys’ views as young carers. The quotes are from my interview with my boys and are cited here as E for Eldest and Y for Youngest.

Young Carers are statistically likely to achieve less academically and we know they’re affected emotionally. However families of any size or make-up, that use caregiver support and focus on joyful moments, can guide young carers towards a future full of opportunities.

Negative acts consume our innermost thoughts and are a part of life, especially when living with pain, illness or disability. If we zoom in on the positives we create balance but we learn from both. Making time to reflect on both and set goals is one of our regular family activities.

As a parent being cared for, teaching my boys core life skills has been rewarding for me. I believe that effective communication and problem solving are key for a young person’s vision for the future. These truths show the positive impact caring can have.
1. Teamwork – share chores to support the main adult carer and recognise your contribution. Develop a culture of gratitude and appreciation, where everyone feels listened to.
2. Connections – Prioritise and enjoy time with loved ones, making the most of every day. Create feel-good moments, joy and laughter for the whole family.
3. Communication – establish honesty so you can really listen to and work with each other to avoid conflict. “To talk about it openly to both Mum and Dad has helped my wellbeing.” (E)
4. Empathy – Encourage others by being caring, supportive, kind and compassionate. Be aware of other’s pain and know you can help them.
5. Resilience – the ability to recover from setbacks and cope with difficult conditions. Young carers become very capable at coping with experiences that most young people wouldn’t.
6. Boundaries – know your limits and what behaviour you will accept. Know when to ask for help and what your roles are. “I was confident in Daddy’s ability to look after Mummy.” (Y)
7. Self awareness – know the skills you have and the tools you need to help you cope in any situation. Know what triggers negative responses so you can switch to positive self-talk.
8. Make connections – recognise behaviour patterns to pre-empt when to step in and offer more support. Be aware of accessibility by assessing adaptations, how noisy it is etc.
9. Self control – regulate your emotions and choose what you want to happen and where to be. Learn to stand up for yourself and how to remain calm when angry or anxious etc.
10. Problem solving – make informed decisions alone or together and see it’s okay to make mistakes. Identify how to help someone who’s scared, confused, worried or panicking.
11. Perspective – appreciate others by learning not to judge and think how someone feels in any situation. “We’re more aware of other’s differences so we don’t discriminate.” (Y)
12. Socialising- make time to see friends so you have a break from caring. Know who to talk to about different situations.
13. Self esteem – know your worth, be proud of your achievements and recognise your value. “I’m proud of how I deal with Mummy’s illness and how mature I am.” (Y)
14. Critical thinking – learn new skills and how to use them. Think creatively about your response to new or difficult situations.
15. Focus – know routines, feel secure and be willing to learn new things to understand the world around you. Learn to handle distractions so you can thrive.
16. Adaptability – learn to cope when plans change “We go and see Mummy if she’s too ill to come downstairs.” (Y)
17. Self reflection – think about the choices you made and how you responded to situations – “I have to be more responsible. I can’t just sit back, I have to help.” (E)
18. Goal setting – use self reflection to recognise the skills you want to develop. Consider the steps you need to take, the help you’ll need and have a timeframe. Choose a reward, it doesn’t have to cost anything e.g. do something new.
In conclusion…

All children caring for a relative face restricted lives and most will suffer academically. The difficulties one family faces will be vastly different to another, so I’ve used anecdotes to represent this. I’m mostly sharing my boys’ personal narrative and our family’s truth.

We’ve always included the boy’s feelings and viewpoints in decisions we’ve made about living with chronic illness. As they’ve grown older they’ve expressed themselves clearly due to the strategies we put in place. Working as a team, we remove isolation as we follow our path.

As a family we continue to reflect and adapt as we reinforce positives and learn from the negatives. It’s vital for anyone living with someone who needs care, to listen to each other and be patient. In time you’ll see your children grow around the idea of pain, illness or disability.
““The two things you absolutely need to be a carer are compassion and a sense of humour.”
”

— Sam – My paid carer

All children want to help so if you live with someone needing care they will support them. It’s essential that they feel appreciated and part of the team. Your family deserves the positive impact of caring so utilise the help that’s out there for your child’s life opportunities, like these.

Visit Carers Trust here.

Visit Carers UK here.

Visit Action For Children here.

Visit Young Minds here.

And please help raise awareness on Young Carers Action Day on the 16th March 2022. See the resources here.

Because mental and emotional well-being are crucial to a young carers success, I want to share this free wellness planner I’ve created to help you prioritise for better life balance too. This is also a taster of the the Thrive Not Just Survive Journal, for mums with invisible illnesses coming out soon. Simply click on this link to sign up for your free copy. Please feel free to ask me any questions you have about using this resource.

✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save these images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!

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15/03/2022
What To Accept After Years Of Intracranial Hypertension Treatment
What I Need To Accept After Years Of Rare Intracranial Hypertension Treatment

Rare Disease Day 2022 is always on the 28th February, so at this time of year I tend to reflect on the treatment I’ve had for the rare brain disease I have – Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (IIH).

I’ve been treated by a specialist team in Cambridge for the past 7 years. They’ve developed rare treatment plans for patients, who like me, often present with atypical IIH symptoms. Sadly, the treatment options they’ve developed have been exhausted in my case.

I spoke to my neuroradiologist about this last month and he asked about the results following my first procedure, so I re-read my notes and the hopeful blog I’d written back then. I now have to accept that my symptoms haven’t resolved as I’d hoped and this blog could help.

The surgical team has established unorthodox medical care that most neurologists consider controversial. This affected the support I received, so I had to learn to advocate for the care I wanted. Medical journals now publish more on these treatments, giving me hope.

In this blog I’m going to look at:
- My Background Story Of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension
- What I Wrote About How I Felt After This Procedure
- The Results Of My Following Treatments
- What I Am Feeling After Completing My Treatment Plan
My Background Story Of Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension

In January 2014 I became ill and was diagnosed with chronic migraine, but after years of migraines I had doubts. I grew aware of a symptom I’d never experienced before, a whooshing in my ears. I researched Pulsatile Tinnitus (PT) and my family doctor confirmed it.

I found an ENT surgeon who specialises in PT and he believed I had IIH. But my symptoms don’t fit typical diagnosis factors, so with the support of my wonderful family doctor, I had to advocate for 18 months to get their Intracranial Hypertension treatment.

IIH, it’s symptoms and my full story are detailed on this blog. My main symptom is constant head and facial pain that’s mostly right sided and mobility issues due to imbalance. I also have brain fog, nausea, photophobia (light sensitivity) and PT.

In October 2014, my IIH diagnosis was confirmed with a lumbar puncture and a CT venogram (scan with dye). This showed narrowed veins at the skull base and venous sinus stenosis, where the large vein in the brain is narrowed. This causes fluid build up in the head.

IIH is a rare disease that affects 1-3 in 100,000 people. My scans identified Transverse Venous Stenosis causing constricted outflow in the veins at the back of my skull. This and the lack of papilledema puts me in the group of 6% of all IIH patients with this presentation.

Their Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension treatment is controversial with most neurologists. IIH is usually accompanied by Papilledema, which if left untreated can lead to loss of vision. The pressure reading from a lumbar puncture is usually very high, mine wasn’t.

When I’d mention the Cambridge team or IIH, my local neurologists turned me away. I found one who would see me, but she still didn’t agree with the team’s radical surgical plan to remove some bone to improve venous outflow in my neck (see below for details).

This sounds outrageous but my pain and standard of living was so debilitating that I’d try anything for relief. The plan was brain and spine surgeries and stenting the narrowed vein in my brain. This article explains the link between venous sinus stenosis, PT and IIH.

Reflecting On The First Procedure Of My Treatment Plan

After a very long year of waiting, the team’s neuroradiologist was able to perform my first Intracranial Hypertension treatment. I had a cerebral angiogram and venoplasty as an outpatient procedure to see if surgery to expand a narrowed vein would be beneficial.

They thread a catheter up to the blood vessels in the neck that supply the brain, imaging and measuring the pressure inside my veins. Then they inflate a balloon in the vein (venoplasty) to monitor how it responds to decompression over a week.

I noticed a difference immediately and by the time I went back to the ward I was a different person to the one admitted that morning. I had lower pain levels, no nausea and a clearer head. The difference was visible and as I chatted, Joel, my husband, said “you’re Laura again”.

The improvement continued over the following days. I was able to walk the stairs, which I hadn’t done for 12 months, I didn’t need any oramorph, which I’d been taking 2 or 3 times a day and I reduced my other pain killers temporarily.

My PT and nausea returned first and a week later I woke up in my usual state of brain fog and pain. My surgeon was pleased with the results of the venoplasty. Although temporary they clearly showed I had restricted venous outflow and that surgery should be beneficial.

What I Wrote About How I Felt After This Procedure

I’d been told not to be disheartened if the symptoms reappeared the following week but it was frustrating to return to debilitating pain. However, I was pleased that this proved I didn’t just have chronic migraine.

At the time I wrote “I am… pretending I’m ok, feeling bad for moaning about hurting, crying and letting people down and not being able to do things with my family… [as] the pressure [builds again].

[I’m] missing out on… living life… trying to explain why everything takes so long and feeling worthless… knowing that the freedom of mobility is drifting away. [I’m] crying and waiting for that time bomb of pain to build so much that [I] can’t take anymore.

I have meditated, eaten, napped and had a few pep talks from friends and my husband… There have been tears today but I’ve been reminded that I [will] see my amazing boys grow up… with my best friend [Joel] of 18 years.

I have hope that there might be light at the end of this very, very long tunnel… I have amazing friends and family that are always there… even though I feel I’ve let [them] down by only being better for a few days… [when] I was so tired I just slept!

I am back making jewellery… reminding myself that I CAN still do things that matter despite feeling like I’ve been run over by a truck after drinking… whiskey.” My true friends have stuck by me and Joel still gives me pep talks. He and the boys keep me going each day.

The Results Of My Following Treatments

It wouldn’t be a complete reflection if I didn’t share the Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension Treatment I’ve had since that first procedure. This blog has been more emotional than I thought because it’s shown me how poorly I was at the start of this journey.

I’ve had venoplasty procedures and many CT venograms. These show how the jugular vein passes through a small space between two bony structures, the styloid process and lateral mass of the C1 cervical spine. In my case the jugular vein is narrowed and flattened.

The anatomy of these areas are shown in these images.
This is my IIH story outline of the surgeries I’ve had:
1. Styloidectomy – removal of a small bone fragment that sticks out of the skull, behind the ear.
2. Stenting on the right side of the transverse venous sinus.
3. C1 mass removal of the right transverse process.
4. Re-stenting the right transverse sinus due to a compromised stent.
5. C1 mass removal of the left transverse process.
6. Stenting on the right side of the transverse venous sinus.
With each surgery I’ve seen some improvement, most notably my cognitive ability. My final surgery, in 2019, has had the most impact. My balance improved significantly and a month on, I managed a day out with my family, using a wheelchair, for the first time since 2014.
I’ve hoped for a life without constant pain since 2014. My symptoms improved with each surgery. Sadly I still suffer daily but there are positives from my treatment, mostly being able to be a good mum & wife.
What I Am Feeling After Completing My Treatment Plan

It’s been emotionally challenging reliving my IIH patient stories again. There’s been many tears as I think back to the hope I had for this treatment, a normal life off of the merry-go-round of constant pain. I’d naively counted on my surgeons to fix me, so the reality is crushing.

When the first venoplasty procedure had clear results, confirming I’d benefit from venous stenting surgery, I felt optimistic. Every surgery improved my condition but I’d gradually worsen each time.

Reading a blog from the start of this journey shows how challenging communication was for me. I’d be stuck there without surgery which would have broken my family. As I complete my treatment, the harsh facts are that I suffer daily but I am able to be a good mum and wife

This 2012 US case study states that “Intracranial venous hypertension may result from… compression of the jugular veins at the skull base. Although rare… [it’s ] important to recognize [this] because stenting…may actually exacerbate the outflow obstruction.“

My surgeon stated this could happen with stenting. He described it as removing a blockage at the top of a hose pipe, when it’s squashed lower down. The water builds up, leading to increased pressure.

My scans still show narrowed veins at the skull base but I’ve had all bone surgeries recognised for treating IIH. My surgeon can only see one possible surgery to relieve pressure here but it isn’t seen as a viable treatment for IIH. I’m frustrated by having to forget this option.

All involved are disappointed about completing this treatment plan without the success we’d hoped for. But PT took me down this path, and I’d hoped that this symptom would be resolved. As this is mostly the case, then I can count this part of the treatment a success.

This has reminded me how my quality of life has improved because of my Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension treatment plan. The positive outcomes are:
- The cognitive change I’ve experienced is quite dramatic.
- My mobility has improved so much I no longer fall.
- I can walk on one level of the house, without mobility aids.
- I don’t experience daily dizziness or vertigo
- My phonosensitivity is less invasive
Sadly, my head pain remains constant, despite initial improvement after surgery. My high pain levels are disruptive so I still spend much time in bed. It still takes days for me to recover from any activity, even going downstairs, which can feel oppressive. However, over time I’ve learnt how to priortise for better life balance.

I’ve created this free wellness planner to help you prioritise for better life balance too. This is also a taster of the the Thrive Not Just Survive Journal, for mums with invisible illnesses coming out soon. Simply click on this link to sign up for your free copy. Please feel free to ask me any questions you have about using this resource.

It’s been an exhausting journey but looking back I take the positives, such as my ability to build connections, from my treatment as I move forwards. My surgeon has suggested a doctor sympathetic to their work, who I’m working with on the next stage of my treatment plan.

It’s scary saying goodbye to familiar territory as I complete treatment in Cambridge. I’m reassured and hopeful after speaking to my new doctor, but I’m anxious and apprehensive about what I face ahead.

P.S. If you’re a skim reader, catch up here –

I’ve been reflecting on my unusual IIH or Intracranial Hypertension treatment. This rare brain disease causes debilitating pain, mobility problems, brain fog and more. I re-read a hopeful blog I’d written in 2015 after my first procedure, when my husband said “you’re Laura again” as soon as he saw me. As this treatment ends I accept my symptoms haven’t all resolved but there are positives I can take on into the next part of my journey.
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✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save these images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!
01/03/2022
The Best Emotional Development Examples Of Self Care Activities
The Best Emotional Development Examples Of Self Care Activities

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The pandemic has affected everyone, especially young children, so we need to adapt how we teach them so we address the highlighted issues and the gaps and growth in their learning. Emotional development examples of this may be a lack of self care, managing big feelings or increased anxiety about being left at school or nursery.

Emotional and social development grows rapidly in under fives, laying the foundation for all learning. During my 15+ years of teaching, I specialised in the Early Years Foundation Stage (EYFS), working closely with parents to understand each child’s emotional needs. Read the new framework for what a child learns in the EYFS here.

This blog shares advice and activities I’ve used to help children make progress:
- The Skills And Support Needed For Emotional Development
- 21 Quality Self Care For Emotional Development Examples
- How Self Care Sets The Foundation For Success
““Personal, Social and Emotional Development (PSED) is recognised as one of the building blocks of success in life. It supports children’s development by helping them to interact effectively and develop positive attitudes to themselves and others.””

— Ann Langston

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The Skills And Support Needed For Emotional Development

The skills we use to meet an infant or child’s emotional needs are usually instinctive. Having regular interaction with them helps us respond more effectively to their needs. Creating fun experiences to support a child’s emotional growth makes them feel heard. For example, using puppets to teach nervous children how to make friends.

These are common emotional development examples of a child needing us:
- Crying or screaming
- Turning away from someone or something
- Not making attachments
- Throwing tantrums
- Unhealthy relationships
- Not cooperating or taking turns
- Disruptive behaviour
- Distress or anxiety
- Unresponsiveness
- Fighting with peers or siblings
Our response to these behaviours needs to be calm, so we need clear boundaries as all kids will test us and we’ll overreact at times. To improve poor behaviour we need to be a consistent example to our children. I’ve developed skills I share with my boys, in managing my emotions better by making time to reflect and write about how I feel.

This has reminded me that we can foster children’s self-worth by helping them explore their similarities and differences to others. Choosing books and media representing ability, gender, sexuality, race etc. will help but we also need to talk about this. Read this blog on talking about race with children for ideas.
Emotional well-being underpins every area of development. These are areas of the official guidance for PSED for development from birth to 5 years, that affect self care. I’m basing the 21 self care activities around these emotional development examples, of skills to teach your children for future success.

Self Regulation
1. Managing Feelings – Understand and name feelings and learn to manage emotions by keeping calm. There’s a new focus on 3+ self-regulating. Read more about this here.
2. Self Control – Give children strategies for staying calm when frustrated.
3. Focused Attention – Communicate responses to stress effectively.
Managing Self
1. Self Confidence – Support older children with self reflection so they build resilience to persevere with challenges. Help children set and achieve a simple goal.
2. Self care – Build a sense of self as a valued individual that’s different to others. Develop healthy habits for looking after bodies and minds.
Building Relationships
1. Socialising – Build confidence in a variety of quality experiences which build a sense of belonging to a family or community.
2. Healthy attachments – Develop attachments in warm, supportive relationships. Manage feeling sad when a parent leaves. This is in response to social change due to Covid19.
3. Understanding Needs – Show sensitivity to their own and others’ needs. Help children develop a positive attitude to people’s differences.
21 Quality Self Care For Emotional Development Examples

Bubble baths aside, teaching children self care skills helps them thrive despite any challenges. Self care is anything you do to help yourself feel better or keep yourself feeling good. Dancing, sports, laughing, having pets etc. help your child build trust and learn how to manage strong feelings. I write about other activities that help, here.

Quality self care routines have played a crucial role in how my family has coped with my illnesses, evident in the resilience my boys have. These emotional development examples of self care for your child, are based on the EYFS skills.

1. Adult Attachments

Healthy Attachments make your child feel safe. Building bonds begin with a baby and parent, extending to family and others they spend time with. To build attachments we need to be engaged, sensitive, positive and affectionate to them. Hold them, have chats (gurgles count) and let them know you see them by responding to their needs.

2. Frequent Feelings

With older infants and beyond, we can name a child’s feelings for them to help them understand what is happening to their body. You might say ‘you’re sad because… you hurt yourself or your sister wouldn’t play’. Start with simple games such as, making feelings cards or emoji charts so they can identify and name feelings themselves.

3. Constant Calm

A child’s world is full of stimulation but being calm helps them relax, focus and learn. Strategies to help your child stay calm include; giving them time to eat, think and reflect; tuning in to their needs; using distractions; minimising noise and having time and space to explore. Sign up to my newsletter at the end of this page for my free guide for staying calm.

4. Routines Rule

Routines give children certainty and a feeling of control. But changes will happen so we need to teach skills for learning how to cope with unplanned changes.
- Visual timetables have images showing what’s happening that day, in order. They’re used in childcare settings but you can print this one for the home.
- Organisation helps them follow rules, such as having coat hooks by the door.
- Make changes to this one thing at a time, being guided by the child.
- Use a timer or song to help them adjust to routine changes.
- Explain changes to them e.g. “After Nursery we’re_,then we are going to_”
5. Invite Independence

Children naturally become independent but as they’re offered more variety, tantrums are more common. We can manage this by encouraging and teaching them how to ask for help respectfully. We can support independence by planning for extra time, asking instead of demanding and offering choices. All kids can learn to do chores if we make them fun e.g. sing whilst making lunch, hop to bed, splash in the bath.

6. Backing My Behaviour

Children aged 4-5 develop self awareness of their behaviour before recognising how their actions can affect others. Support their knowledge by:
- Remaining calm and soothing them when upset.
- Naming and explaining their feelings.
- Treating your child the way you want them to behave.
- Pointing out people’s expressions, in life and media, to help them read others.
- Showing how their words and actions affect someone else.
7. Boundary Basics

All children test limits, the earlier the better for strong foundations. Children need clear boundaries so, a) show them who’s boss; b) have healthy routines that set clear guidelines; c) have zero tolerance rules for safety; d) be consistent.

8. Clear Communication

Babies cry to communicate a need, it’s our first non-verbal connection. This develops into expressions and gestures, which we all use more than verbal language. To extend early skills, narrate everything you do and feel and give your child time to talk. Repeat their babble and early words back to them, without correcting it.

Widen their vocabulary and interactions by reading and listening to them and use new words as you act out pretend situations with them. Let your child develop at their own pace but seek professional advice if you’re concerned about speech delay.

9. Support Self-esteem

How we feel about ourselves affects our actions, so self-esteem supports mental health and sets us up for success. Helping children feel good about themselves starts by building a strong connection with your child so they trust you to meet their needs.

Let them initiate play with some creative input, to encourage them to try new activities and experiences. This boosts their confidence to do more without us a safety net.

10 Personal Practices

One of the most recognisable self care practices is managing our hygiene and personal needs. Children need to choose the resources they need whilst knowing they can ask for help. We need to encourage and reward their independence.
- Toddlers will want to dress themselves so allow extra time in your daily routine and make their clothes accessible so they feel in control.
- Toilet training should be child led but we can prepare kids by being open and explaining using it. Have everything you need ready for when they are.
- Teach them how and when to wash hands, reinforcing this when you wash.
- Encourage your child to get what they need to keep clean e.g. a toothbrush. Describe what you do, so they’re ready to slowly take on their personal care.
Create a varied diet with healthy choices so your child sees how you act around food as a role model. To avoid tantrums, introduce one new flavour at a time and give ‘a or b choices. Get older kids involved in preparing meals.

11. Healthy Habits

Self care routines help kids tune into their mind and body. Establishing the activities below early, allows the brain to build habits which prevent mental health problems.
- Have regular dental and eye care checks.
- Eat the rainbow of fruit and vegetables each day, including balanced meals.
- Balance screen time with playing with your child at home and going outside.
- Do mindful exercise, such as yoga or karate, to keep them focused on now.
- Do visualisations together using a calming story, such as being on an island.
- Do a sport or hobby that requires their commitment.
- Practice daily quiet time where you connect with nature, exercise or books.
- Let your child choose activities even if it differs from how you see self care.
12. Respectful Relationships

Having positive relationships helps us develop respect and trust for others. A baby bonds with us through skin to skin contact, creating a foundation of trust and good communication. When we let young children know we’re thinking of them, it helps to reassure them. Children who have this will feel safer and more secure, equipping them for strong relationships in the future.

13. Effective Empathy

Empathy is learnt through experience, from around the age of 4 years old. We teach children to understand others’ feelings by imagining what someone is feeling by playing out ‘real life’ situations. Children with a foundational awareness are more likely to make kind choices, such as looking after a child who’s sad. Empathy is key for learning tolerance and sensitivity towards people who are different to them.

14. Benefits Of Belonging

Children who feel they belong benefit by establishing self confidence and believing in themselves. We teach them the key skills of cooperative play, working with others and having consistent routines. Their relationships with family and friends shapes their self identity, with possible influences from cultural or religious groups.

During childhood they are likely to become part of the community through toddler groups, schools and community groups such as Brownies, Football or Music groups. Fostering a child’s sense of belonging allows them to thrive because they feel safe.

15. Visibly Valued

Children need to know that we value everything they are, not what they do. We can help them stand tall by recognising their good points, listening to them and spending one on one time with them. We need to show them we’re there through good and bad by not comparing them to others or overly criticising them. Their self worth depends on knowing they are loved and valued so show them you support their choices.

16. Celebrate Differences

As children reach school age they become more aware of differences in their peer group. Children naturally explore similarities and differences so we can guide their understanding and ensure they know it’s okay to ask questions. Encourage them to learn about race, ability, gender, neurodiversity etc. Learning together and having open dialogue about bias and prejudice as they grow, gives kids the tools to show up.

17. Manage My Feelings

Young children often struggle to manage big feelings, which can lead to meltdowns. Children who understand their emotions have a more successful life. Help them by:
- Talking about and naming feelings when calm, rather than hiding this.
- Showing them it’s normal to have different feelings – talk about how you feel.
- Validating their feelings, however small, to teach them it’s normal to feel that.
- Encouraging them to express how we feel by helping to put this into words.
- Seeing what triggers them, so you can help them manage their response.
- Identifying big feelings to help avoid tantrums; feeling sad or scared is okay.
- Letting them see how you manage emotions in a socially acceptable way.
- Separating emotions from behaviour; its what they do that has consequences.
18. Self-Regulation Recipe

Children build upon managing feelings by learning to self regulate (read about this here). Teach children how to act effectively on their emotions with these skills:
- Help deal with big emotions by using distractions, adjustments and choices.
- Explore a range of calm down strategies so your child has different options.
- Regularly practice emotional responses to see what works best for them.
- Provide a safe environment for them to express themselves.
- Play games that foster control, such as turn taking, to practice self-regulation.
- Recognise that sometimes we have to let go of control and learn to wait.
- Plan which tools help them cope and build on this for each new trigger.
*Remember it takes a lifetime to learn this skill set, so foster emotional development.

19. Plain Perseverance

Waiting isn’t something that comes easy as it takes a lot of willpower. However, the delayed gratification we get is one of the best rewards we can earn. Teaching kids how to persevere with a challenge helps us cope with pressure later in life. Show your child that you put the effort in when something is hard and don’t give up when you fail. Support your child in what they choose to get better at, reminding them how they’ve improved so they see that the effort is worthwhile if they want to succeed.

20. Goal Setting

Setting goals is essential for lifelong learning, but we often expect too much of ourselves. So we need to be a good example to our children, showing them that failure is a healthy part of success. Children need to explore what’s important to them in a safe space, such as creating art or learning spellings, to build self confidence. They need to choose their own simple goals with our support. We can show them how to break a goal into achievable steps and use simple rewards as motivation.
“ “Watch your kids. They already have goals. Allow them to unfold and encourage them… What would be a long term goal for them that’s fun as well as challenging?” ”

— Eve Menezes Cunningham
21. Regular Reflection

Self reflection is vital for meeting our goals and improving ourselves. True self care takes work and children need to use regular reflection to do this. Show them how by:
- Celebrating who they are, not what they do.
- Playing with them to see what they’ve been doing and thinking.
- Making time and space for self reflection or mindfulness.
- Mirroring them in play to develop their self-awareness – what do they do/say?
- Teaching them ways to revisit their day such as drawing, writing or journaling.
- Making time as a family each day, to talk about our wins and what to improve.
- Talking through what helped and what interfered with them meeting their goal.
The skills in the emotional development examples above are arranged so you build the foundations of emotional intelligence, layering up skills before developing the more complex strategies. They can all be adapted to meet your family’s needs.

How Self Care Sets The Foundation For Success

Our children watch and listen to everything we do as soon as soon as they’re born and develop as they grow. It’s important to reflect on how well you connect with your feelings, build strong relationships, achieve your goals and understand what matters most to you. Reflect on these areas of your self care to spot any gaps.
- You understand and healthily manage your emotions
- You recognise your emotions and how they affect you
- You communicate clearly and manage conflict
- You develop and maintain good relationships
- You have supportive and trusting relationships
- You know your strengths and weaknesses
Our children have been affected emotionally and behaviourally by the pandemic. Observing our children helps us assess them and identify gaps and strengths in their emotional development. Ask yourself these questions to understand how your child is coping in a post covid restriction world, so you can support and stretch them.
- Are you aware of any difficulties they have with attachment, socialising, self-care or general well-being?
- Do they enjoy playing with others?
- Do they engage in varied play and social experiences?
- Do you know when to help them and when to encourage independence?
- Do they listen to and cooperate with other children and adults?
- Do they recognise when they need time to calm down?
Strong foundations in emotional intelligence is crucial for us to achieve in life. We can motivate and inspire our children to build up skills in all the emotional development examples mentioned in this blog, so they grow into well-rounded and healthy adults.

If you have any concerns about your own or your child’s mental health or you’re worried about a developmental delay with your child, please consult a doctor or mental health professional. Click here to understand our mental health needs.

Stay Safe

Laura 💜

P.S. Download your free home learning resources guide here. These are also great for homework or just to catch up on areas you think they need support with, whilst you play with them.
✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses.⬇ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!

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11/08/2021
How To Challenge And Overcome Resistance To Change In Life
How To Challenge And Overcome Resistance To Change In Life
Life with chronic illness isn’t easy for anyone, especially a mum with anxiety. I lack control over my own life due to chronic migraine and my rare brain condition, IIH. This life has challenged my whole family but has motivated us to adapt. With hard work, emotional strength, patience and trusted support we’ve been able to change.

Knowing I have power over my thoughts and actions made me see how my mind can get stuck going over past events when I’m feeling low or depressed. I’d tell myself ‘I’m a burden’ or ‘It’s all in my head’, only confiding in my husband, Joel. However, dealing with so much at once tested us.

We needed to discuss our feelings with someone neutral so we’d have full support from each other and our loved ones moving forward. I knew effective change would take time and support so I swallowed my pride and asked for help. I’ve learnt to be present with my thoughts and that honest self-talk is vital to my ability to cope.

To challenge and overcome resistance to change I also needed to appreciate how my brain and body work together. By studying my patterns of behaviour in the past and present, I could plan for sustainable change. This has helped give me the mental strength to accept development and disarm any power this held over my self worth.

The four key ways I’ve developed my attitude towards positive change are:
- Accepting you can only control how you think and act
- Listening to the stories you tell yourself
- Knowing with whom to discuss how you feel
- Changing your behaviour patterns over time
As this covers 4 ways you can take practical action and improve your mental health, I recommend downloading my free journal prompts to support you in looking at behavioural patterns and developing self worth so that any and all changes you make are effective.
DOWNLOAD MY FREE JOURNAL PROMPTS

Accepting You Can Only Control How You Think And Act

Big changes in our lives impact our thoughts, and subsequently our mental health, because of what we are exposed to. Our minds are wired to respond to stress with primal instincts, as if facing physical threats. This can lead to strong reactions to emotions, such as my anxiety when adjusting to new situations.

When I became chronically ill my world changed from an active life to a confined one overnight. My world became my family, house and garden which was okay but as my health deteriorated further, my world became even smaller. At the time I wanted to run from it all. I talk in detail about my chronic illness journey in this blog.

I believed I was a burden to my family, especially to Joel, as I could no longer play the role I always had. I became depressed with little self worth, even wondering if my family would be better off without me. But I knew I had to fight to be the mother and wife my family needed, even if it was different.

I learnt how the brain and body responds to stress and that mine was trying to protect me from threat, which helped me manage stress. This article explains ways to can manage and reduce stress. I learnt that to overcome resistance to change my negative thinking, I had to take control. Only I had the power to make the changes I needed to live the best life I could.

Listening To The Stories You Tell Yourself

To do this I needed to unpack how my past experiences impacted my current thoughts. I exposed vulnerabilities in my relationship with chronic illnesses. Due to many absences from secondary school due to undiagnosed migraine, I’d been labelled a hypochondriac. Now I was struggling to believe my own pain was real.

I’d been diagnosed with atypical migraine after 20 years so I was stuck in a negative thought pattern whilst trying to get my IIH diagnosis. I’d buried embarrassment and regret more deeply with each misdiagnosis, convinced nobody believed me. I needed help to navigate my journey so found my life coach, Josie, to help me unpick it all.

“These truths may be uncomfortable, but they can be the basis of meaningful change. Figuring out your own story could take 20 minutes or 20 years. And you may not make one big transformation; maybe it’s a series of incremental changes. You just have to feel your way through.”

— Brené Brown

Being aware of this helps me reinforce my truth and grow stronger. My past has less control over my narrative and I have more power to overcome resistance to change. I may still take small steps forward but my self belief continues to grow.

Knowing With Whom To Discuss How You Feel

I’ve had to reshape my life from necessity which makes change a bigger challenge. My brain condition stole my ability to communicate well and many of my supposed close friends dropped out of my life. I felt guilty for letting others down and because my judgement was impaired, I didn’t know who to trust with how I felt.

However, my true friends showed themselves when they rallied to help and comfort me when I had my first treatments. Their loyalty gave me strength to set boundaries to protect myself from those who didn’t support me as I navigated this new life.

But I was still grieving my old life and needed reassurance that it was okay to feel angry, sad and lost. The four of us built our communication skills in family counselling so we could discuss our feelings whilst respecting each other. We built strong support systems with others who we trusted over time, which was crucial for each of us.

Having confidantes has helped us cope with every surgery I’ve had, each one giving me back more of my old self. We developed ways to discuss our feelings as a family and I grew to trust those who were there for me without doubts or conditions again. This helped me overcome resistance to change and be grateful for what I now have.

Changing Our Behaviour Patterns Over Time

It’s normal to resist change, we usually run from it but accepting we’re scared helps us embrace the inevitability of change. Exploring why past experiences made us feel this way, can help grow our ability to adapt. Change is most likely during our career, so this Forbes article shares 12 ways to successfully manage change in business.

Make it stand out

Whatever it is, the way you tell your story online can make all the difference.

I managed change in my role as lead teacher but I had no idea how much change I was capable of until my situation left me no choice. To embrace my new life, I looked at my emotional reactions to positive and negative changes in my past. This enabled me to transform feelings of blame and guilt into pride and self respect.

When trying to adapt established behaviours we need to set our intentions and know it will make a positive difference to our lives. Click here to read my blog about how I developed my ‘Growth Mindset’ for going through change. Our brains continue to develop throughout life, forming new connections through repetitive actions or habits.

As a worrier, my brain is wired to release dopamine to reinforce connections each time I worry. This feel-good chemical is released whether the action is good or bad, making it hard to stop worrying and difficult to overcome resistance to change.

However, when we recognise that changing our habits will bring a huge difference to our lives, we can use the same wiring. Creating new behaviour patterns also releases dopamine each time we repeat an action. Focusing on small steps forward leads to more success, so with willpower and time it becomes our default behaviour.

Serotonin is released to communicate our desire to change. I use journaling to reflect on daily progress with new habits and to celebrate my small wins. Each win releases these feel-good hormones and helps us establish positive change. If you’re interested in journaling to support your own growth and mental health, try my free prompts.

DOWNLOAD YOUR FREE JOURNAL PROMPTS

How To Overcome Resistance To Change By Being Strong

Everything in my life changed with my IIH and this has been difficult to accept because I have such little control over the situation. I’ve learnt to focus on changes I can control and now focus on making positive transformations despite my illnesses.

Despite getting through the darkest days, self-talk held me back, making it harder to overcome resistance to change. Brené Brown’s perspective on the stories we tell ourselves was a revelation for me and was critical in helping me adapt successfully.

Now I’m usually able to reject negative thoughts that could slow my progress as I understand the link between the brain and changing behaviour patterns. My recognition of the science behind this has helped me be better prepared for future developments. However, big life changes still have potential to upset my emotions.

“Whatever change you want to make, it will be easier to do if you find people who encourage and support you.”

— Laura McKee

The difference in my life nowadays has helped me learn when, who and how to talk about my feelings. Having boundaries has meant removing people from my life who hold me back and making room for those who genuinely encourage and support me.

I believe I’ll keep moving forward by accepting what I can control, promoting positive self-talk, having authentic support and recognising that change won’t happen quickly. These steps have given me the strength to persevere and push myself to overcome my resistance to change; even on the hardest days.

Stay safe,

Laura 💜

P.S. If you just want the main points…

When my world changed overnight, I had to embrace a life with chronic illnesses. So I set boundaries with myself and others so I had support to focus on what I could control. I learnt that my negative self-talk was making it harder for me to change. So I looked at my brain and behaviour patterns to adapt my habits for making sustainable change for a better life.

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If you find it hard to make changes to habits or struggle to cope with change, I can help you create small, achievable goals using my free well-being plan in my VIP resources area. This will help you develop your self-worth and stop doubting yourself.

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✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling Able to Start Making changes to support your own and Your Families well-being. By sharing this Post You’ll help mums with mental health and/or chronic illnesses. ⬆️ Hit one of these sharing buttons for social media and I’ll do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you.
17/05/2021
My Breakthrough To Protect My Sensitive Mind Using Emotional Vulnerability
My Breakthrough To Protect My Sensitive Mind Using Emotional Vulnerability

When someone enters the room can you feel when something’s up?

I can. I feel the vibes as soon as someone walks into the room which makes me a highly sensitive person but I wasn’t always aware of what that meant. My intuition or gut just got me into a pickle as I didn’t understand everything I was feeling. I’d bury my stronger emotions, in a poor attempt to protect my inner self.

Pushing down our feelings like this only leads to explosive interactions. It can be helpful to think of emotions as different types of weather, some extreme, some mild and some regular, everyday weather that just happens. We have no ability to control the weather and we cannot control our emotions.

Just as we study the weather, we can study our emotions so we can protect ourselves from the storms and pollution to make a calm decision about how to react. Stepping outside our comfort zone, embracing emotional vulnerability and facing our fears, leaves us exposed but shows us the courage we actually have.

Journaling has helped me spot patterns, work through problems and plan how to cope with strong emotions. I’ve created a free journal prompts download as a sneak peek of one section of the journal I’m creating (coming soon). I’ve designed the journal, including these prompts, around what’s helped me during years of experience, research and personal breakthroughs.

Get Your Journal Prompts Now
The shaky feeling we get when we step outside on a stormy day is down to physical vulnerability. It makes us want to turn around and go home, escaping the danger, wondering why we ever thought we could do it. But if we just push ourselves to take one step, then another and so on, we’ll feel invigorated for it.

That same strange feeling, our heart rate increasing and our palms growing sweaty, is there when we put ourselves in potential emotional harm because of feeling shame or insecurity. It may feel like protection to hold back, but it would prevent us finding joy on a new adventure on an icy path or love from kissing in the pouring rain.

In this blog I’m going to share my story of learning about emotional vulnerability and the impact this has had on my life choices. I will explore what I’ve learnt about emotions and vulnerability and how stepping outside our comfort zone can help us find belonging, joy, love and courage and how to create a plan to do this yourself.
- Empath Or Highly Sensitive Person?
- Protecting Myself By Setting Boundaries
- The Path Of Vulnerability
- Exploring Emotions
- Creating A Plan For Coping Emotionally
Empath Or Highly Sensitive Person?

My life coach has been crucial to my story, guiding me toward understanding my emotional responses to big life events. Identifying how my highly sensitive nature affects me, allowed me to plan for how to safely be emotionally vulnerable and cope with knowing what a friend or loved one is feeling, before they’ve even said a word.

Highly Sensitive People (HSP) can experience empathy and even absorb others’ emotions. This can be incredibly tiring on you, but also an asset when dealing with people. HSPs usually hate drama and conflict because it’s emotionally draining. Read this blog post to see if you’re one of the 20% of the population who are HSP.

Empaths are highly sensitive too, but not all highly sensitive people are Empaths. Studies show that Empaths are drawn to caring professions, such as counselling or teaching, due to getting others needs. They let their gut lead them through life and may feel they have psychic or healing powers. Read more about Empaths here.

These labels are useful for understanding our behaviour patterns. Understanding I’m an Empath helped me move out of my comfort zone to face new challenges. Labels themselves don’t define us, they’re just one piece of the puzzle that makes you, you! This information has helped me form a coping plan and create personal boundaries.

Protecting Myself By Setting Boundaries

Being highly sensitive means that when something is wrong with someone in my company, I take on the vibe or mood created by their emotions. This often happens without us being aware. So I’ve had to develop my self awareness and learn how to protect myself by setting boundaries with myself and others.

Having this trait means I strongly empathise with others but a lack of awareness meant I didn’t always deal with this well and could lead to arguments. With Joel, my husband, this would stem from me asking hiwhat was up? He’d reply ‘nothing’ so I’d tell myself it was my fault and my sensitivities took over until we ended up arguing.

We’d never argue for long and we’ve now learnt from behaviour patterns and worked on understanding our feelings and changing how we communicate. This helps us know how to take care of how we’re feeling individually and together so we can be more open with each other, especially when we might be wrong.

Like many other Empaths, I knew in my gut I had to teach and when my health meant I had to stop teaching, this didn’t go away. I joined chronic illness support groups and would offer to help. However, I didn’t look out for myself and absorbing their emotions was exhausting. I had to learn how to do what I loved without taking a personal hit.

“Love yourself enough to set boundaries. Your time and energy are precious. You get to choose how to use it. You teach people how to treat you by deciding what you will and won’t accept.”

— Anna Taylor

I’ve put time into learning how to be vulnerable by pushing myself out of my comfort zone, which has allowed me to grow. I had to let go of control and allow negative feelings in, before letting them go to find a sense of calm. Finding this balance has meant protecting myself from burnout whilst still supporting others.

The Path Of Vulnerability

Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings, particularly the emotional experiences we crave, even if we don’t know it yet. Too often vulnerability is seen as weakness but if we beat down that wall, we’ll see the path of emotional vulnerability. If we take this path it can lead us to our goals and ambitions or our life’s purpose.

It explains her findings as a researcher when her academic work reached across the divide and connected with millions of views. She is now celebrated as a leader in exploring our emotions, particularly shame, guilt, courage, and empathy.

The path of vulnerability is my terminology for this concept, as Brené’s words helped me walk this path myself. I believe the path starts with our negative feelings and moves us through a process of working through these, which takes a while. In time, we find we can accept these feelings as part of life and no longer an obstacle in reaching our goal of courage and finally joy.

The stepping stones you follow on this path may be small moments that pop up, such as feeling anxious or may be huge life events that reveal strong emotions and change our course. It’s vital we don’t skip the steps that make us feel exposed, but work through the barriers. Being open to fragility allows the path to stay open for you.

Emotional vulnerability makes us feel unsteady and off-balance, which can be scary. Most of us put on protective armour to avoid feeling uncertainty, shame, fear and anxiety. This changes from person to person, but Brené says this revolves around a) striving for perfection, b) numbing ourselves or b) self sabotaging joyful moments.

Instead of protecting ourselves this leaves us with a build up of negative emotional behaviour patterns. We need to recognise emotions we’d rather avoid and be open to exploring them. Looking at when they appear, why they have such an impact and what triggers the walls going up, means we can learn to break the walls down.

This means being more aware of our environment, social interactions, physical and economic factors, which all affect our emotional well-being. This awareness will help us feel more sure about the changes we’d like to see in our life. When we have this knowledge we can remove the barriers and head with confidence to the finish line.

Exploring Emotions

To do any of this we need to explore and understand our emotions, which means being mindful of how we’re feeling. This can simply be in those small moments or when strong emotions rush at us during huge life events. Feelings can complicate how your brain reacts to a stressful situation.

Initially we need to be able to notice, name and respond appropriately to any emotions we’re feeling. Even if you’ve been raised to talk through your feelings, intense mixed emotions can leave you in a bind if you can’t regulate your emotional response.

Knowing how to break down what we’re feeling helps us develop self awareness. We need to explore how to recognise, feel and react to good, bad and in-between feelings before moving on to this with mixed emotions. Strong feelings can confuse our process but we can get there by developing self awareness.

Read this blog on my top 2 self awareness books.

Our emotions can tell us what others are feeling, especially if we’re highly sensitive. Our emotional vulnerability allows us to sense how someone feels without being told. This is where our senses come into play. We can compare other’s smiles and frowns and the tension or calm in a room because of our understanding of our own feelings.

If we develop self awareness, self control and empathy for others, we will be more effective in all our relationships, both professional and personal. These traits allow us to move out of our comfort zone because we can read a situation and deploy appropriate reactions, helping us to grow in many ways and find emotional wellness.

Creating A Plan For Coping Emotionally

Simply using a two pronged approach can help. Take time during the day to be mindful of how you feel by regularly stopping and taking a few deep breaths to check in with your body and mind. Once present, ask yourself ‘What am I feeling right now?’ ‘How is my body reacting to that feeling?’. Notice calm, chaos, concern, content etc.

Using a journal is a great way to make time to explore what works best. It can help us spot patterns, narrow in on the exact feeling we’re experiencing and plan how to react appropriately. It takes time, especially if we’ve not been raised to talk about our feelings, but it’s worth the time and energy.

This process will make us experience emotional vulnerability so we need to be aware that our brain becomes overwhelmed and we can’t regulate our response. If this happens, use the tools you’ve developed for dealing with your emotions. After doing this regularly we can formulate a plan for dealing with our feelings in all situations.

As our feelings are both external and internal we also need to take into account the response from our gut, which can be physical. Being aware of this is very useful for mixed emotions, which can be explosive. This needs to be part of the plan so we can manage stressful situations without becoming overwhelmed or stuck in a rut.

Why Emotional Vulnerability Is An Enormous Help For Sensitive People

As a highly sensitive person, it’s so important that I’ve learnt to focus on my own emotions as my spidey sense is most often triggered by other people’s emotions. I’ve always been quicker to pick up on someone else’s emotional confusion than my own, which may be because I’ve always been a people watcher.

Knowing that I have someone to check in with me each day to ask how I’m feeling, is vital in my self care routine, as well as asking myself through the day. Over the years my family has developed a habit of daily check-ins, between ourselves and with the boys. This helped us cope with the strong, mixed emotions after I became ill.

I’ve learnt not to push what I think they’re feeling and simply ask how they’re feeling, listen fully and then ask how I can help. By being empathetic and being able to accept my emotional vulnerability, I can feel I can support them much better. I need others to show me empathy so I want to offer to others that respect.

I also need someone to make me level with them, as if the pain is bad I’d hide it or at most say ‘meh’! I still tend to say ‘I’m okay’ as I’m always in some amount of pain and hate being negative. My sensitive mind means I’d tend to feel guilt or shame but I’ve learnt not to protect myself from those feelings. Being more vulnerable has allowed me to reconnect with my feelings and accept that negative emotions are okay.

In Oprah’s interview with Brené Brown they discuss the importance of talking about feeling shame. “If you want to see a shame cyclone turn deadly, throw one of these at it: ‘Oh, you poor thing.’ Or the incredibly passive-aggressive… version of sympathy: ‘Bless your heart.’” We need friends who show empathy as shame can’t survive that.

Having a highly sensitive nature means that emotions are all about how we sense our own and other’s feelings. This makes the weather the perfect metaphor for talking about feelings. Most people are scared of extreme weather conditions which can’t be controlled, which is the same as being afraid to let go of your emotional response.

““Being afraid, ashamed of, or embarrassed by your feelings is like being afraid of the weather, because emotions (tears, panic attacks, angry outbursts, withdrawal, depression, elation, lust, romantic excitement, euphoria) are the weather conditions of the inner self.””

— TIna Tessina
Read this article where the weather is used to describe different feelings. It says that there are extreme weather conditions, such as volcanoes, earthquakes and floods that we do need to protect ourselves from. However, like the weather, most emotional climates are mild.
- Sunshine – your smile, like the sun can come out behind a heavy cloud or after a storm, once pressure is equalised.
- Rain – just as rain comes with a change in pressure, tears usually come with an inner release of tension or pain.
- Rainbows – after tears have streamed down our cheeks we feel hopeful again, just as the rainbow brings hope after the rain.
- Storms – The build up of emotions coming to their peak can be violent like a storm but when they clear they bring calm.
- Fog – we may feel foggy when we don’t really know what we’re feeling. The dark clouds reflect our emotions but can clear quickly.
- Smog – if we get lost in unclear, dark thoughts we can sink into a depressive spiral when shame or fear pollute our thoughts.
This is why we need to explore our emotions and travel the path of emotional vulnerability so that our feelings of shame, guilt and discomfort don’t sink us into a deep depression. Instead it can take us outside of our comfort zone where we can find our sense of belonging, love and courage.

We need to take time to understand our emotions and how they affect us. Journaling about how we’re feeling is the perfect way to keep track each day and find our emotional patterns and create our own coping plans. We can even do this with our kids so check out the ideas in this blog from last year.

Understanding how natural and normal all feelings are is so important and these metaphors and practical ideas can help us find our patterns and forecasts. It’s so important to know that it’s okay to be vulnerable so that difficult emotions are less feared, because we know that this path will help us find our truth.
I’m recommending these books to you, to help you develop your awareness of emotions or emotional intelligence, understand more about the role vulnerability has in us living a balanced life. I’ve also chosen a book for those of you who are highly sensitive so you can build boundaries to protect yourself.

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How much time to you spend understanding your emotions and how to respond to them?

Are you an Empath and if so, how do you cope with absorbing other’s emotions?

Tell me in the comments.

I’ve created a free download of journal prompts for you. These prompts are a taster of one aspect of my unique journal I’m creating for emotional wellness (coming soon). These prompts will help you create a more balanced and purposeful life! So grab a pen and paper now and start using one of these 18 prompts today.

Simply click on the link below to get your free copy and access to all my resources. Tell me how you found them in the comments and ask me any questions you have about this topic.

Stay safe,

L 💜

Get Your Free Journal Prompts Here

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17/03/2021
A Powerful Exclusive: A Carers Mental Health Exposed
A Powerful Exclusive: A Carers Mental Health Exposed
An Introduction To Lesley’s Interview

Carers Rights Day 2020 is on Thursday 26 November. It’s an important way to ensure Carers are aware of their rights, where they can get help and support, as well as raising awareness of the impact caring has. The theme for Carers Rights Day 2020 is ‘Know Your Rights’. Read more about it by clicking here.

This year I wanted to raise awareness of Carers mental health by talking directly to a Carer other than my husband. It’s important that I do this for myself to understand the impact caring has, so that I can bring a more objective viewpoint for my readers.

Lesley offered to be interviewed about the stress she experiences as a Carer. She’s always shown me kindness and empathy so I was interested to see how she coped with being a Carer, and share her viewpoint in this exclusive interview.

Lesley, who lives in Preston, is mum to Maddie (15) and Xander (11). She is a Carer to her husband Jerry, who is mainly affected by chronic osteoarthritis. After a work incident 2 years ago, Jerry had to stop work and their lives changed completely.

Lesley now runs her business, Digital Fixers, from home with her work-wife, Nic. They help small businesses grow using digital platforms, which is how we met. Read Lesley’s Blogs for Digital Fixers here, where she talks in more detail about how they support small businesses with Websites, SEO and Digital Growth.

This blog will share:
- Information about Carers Rights Day
- The Interview
- Why It’s An Important Time To Spotlight Carers Mental Health
- How You Can Help Raise Awareness And Donate To Support Carers
DONATE TO CARERS UK NOW

About Carers Rights Day

Carers Rights Day is a specific campaign that Carers UK runs annually to help make life better for Carers. They “believe that it’s important that you understand your rights and are able to access the support that is available to you as soon as you need it.” This is vital for a Carers mental health, even if they don’t feel they need it now.

When my husband Joel first started caring for me, it was on top of his full time job, being a dad, doing all of my jobs and dealing with all my medical appointments. I recognised this, although my brain condition was so bad I couldn’t see the full extent of the stress it put on him.

We had no idea of the support available for a Carer’s mental health but I spoke to my GP to see what help was available and we were lucky enough to get funding for a part time Carer. This relieved some of the stress Joel was under. Read more in this blog about my story and how caring affected Joel and my boys.

In both mine and Lesley’s families, the Carers are providing care for their partner. A recent survey found that four out of five Carers care for a relative. This makes the campaign even more important so Carers know how to stand up for their rights if they’re not being met.

It’s been equally fascinating and devastating to read Lesley’s exclusive interview and find out about her background, the circumstances that led to her becoming a Carer, and how it’s changed the lives of her entire family.

The Interview

Tell me a little about you

I was born in Edinburgh but moved around England after moving to Milton Keynes as an 11-year-old, before moving to Preston with Jerry at 31 years old. I spend a lot of time online, both for business and socialising and my guilty pleasure is true crime podcasts.

How did you meet your husband and how did you get married?

Jerry and I met when I was 30 and he was 31, so quite late really. His ex was my workmate who tried to set us up, then we met at a work’s do. A week later we ran into each other in a pub in Shepherds Bush and moved in with each other the next day.

We were never going to get married, aiming to be the non-conformists who lived together forever. When Maddie was 2, Jerry had a mad moment and proposed! I said yes but wasn’t sure I’d made the right decision – we were OK, why change it! But then we went to find his decree nisi and they couldn’t find it.

I suddenly realised how much I did want to marry him! So, we waited a couple of hours while they searched, and they found it. It had been misfiled. We’d also set out a very fine timeline with 5 weeks until we had a weekend away booked, with Maddie staying with my in-laws for the weekend.

What are your husband’s illnesses?

Jerry’s first illness was a Hiatus Hernia that took 2 years to diagnose. By the time he had the operation he was so ill, physically and mentally, it took 6 months for him to recover to a point where he could work again. Xander was a baby so he hadn’t really had a great deal of quality time with his dad.

About 5 years ago he had to have a shoulder replacement due to chronic osteoarthritis. The surgeon had only done it on 1 younger person – a tennis pro! He doesn’t have much mobility in it anymore, and the other one is going too. His back hips and ankles are also bad.

The final straw, which almost broke the camel’s back, came two years ago. While doing a part time job, in an effort to feel like he was still contributing, Jerry was involved in an accident. An alloy wheel was spinning in a CNC lathe and it flew out and hit him on the head and chest.

When did you become a Carer and what do you do in your role?

The last two years have been when the caring has kicked in. I was working full time, doing the school stuff, cooking, DIY, and generally holding everyone together. Doing everything got too much and although it meant a reduction in income, I quit.

As well as Jerry and his illness, one of the kids has Dyspraxia and Hypermobility and that means hospital appointments most months. We can’t go for walks anymore, and we had to get rid of all the motorbikes, this has been the hardest part for Jerry.

What is an average day like for you?

I get the kids up and get them to school. When I’m back I try to cram an hour of work in before I wake Jerry with his tablets. He used to take them himself, but started forgetting and if he doesn’t take them on time, he gets very groggy very quickly, but doesn’t realise why!

I try to spend some time each day chatting as I know he gets lonely but it’s hard as I’m busy. Some days he comes downstairs for lunch, so we can spend time together but he mostly stays upstairs as he can’t keep going up and downstairs. When the kids get in from school he’ll come down again, sometimes waiting until dinner time.

He wants to try and do things he used to, like car jobs and DIY. But he can’t, so finds it frustrating, and I can’t do a lot of them. We end up trying to do them together, which can cause hilarity, or arguments, in equal measure. Afterwards he has to sleep and is in pain for 2-3 days so it makes me wonder if it was worth it?

How has being a Carer changed you?

I’ve always been the caregiver. I hadn’t planned to have to take such a big role on so soon after finishing caring for babies, but it is what it is. I’d like to say it has made me more patient, but it hasn’t; I just bite my tongue more when he is trying to do something I could do quicker!

A Carer’s mental health can be affected by these changes, how are you?

I find it hard caring for the person I assumed would care for me equally.

Have you been given support in any way as a Carer and are you aware of your rights and how to get help?

I’m not sure I qualify for much in the way of financial support. We’re still fighting to get more than basic PIP (Personal Independence Payment). I’m lucky to have friends that I can talk to and support me, as that’s what I need the most.

What things do you need to make your life easier and help with your Carer’s mental health?

It’s not even something I think about! What would help me most would be Jerry being in less pain but I’m not sure that’s something we can do.

“My caregiver mantra is to remember: The only control you have is over the changes you choose to make.”

— Nancy L. Kriseman,

I recently suggested discussing hip surgery with the doctor now that he’s a bit older, but he admitted that he fears the surgery. Unfortunately it took him a while to recover from his second surgery. As both major surgeries have had such a devastating effect, he really doesn’t want to have more.

What’s been the biggest change in your life since you became a Carer?

Everything has changed. We ran a business for 15 years, but we lost it and then lost the house. We were very lucky to get a brand-new housing association house. But a depression set in over Jerry as he blames himself.

We used to go for walks daily, and often went to the Lake District for long weekends. We also went to Motorsports events on a regular basis, but that involved camping, or at the very least a day of being on your feet.

It’s hard on the kids too. Xander can’t remember his dad being well and as the gaming computer is in our room, he can only game when Jerry’s up. Maddie sees a counsellor at school, which has really helped. She’s talking more to me about it, but I can’t change it. I can’t give them back the life we had, and that is the hardest thing.

How does your business and your role as a Carer affect your working life?

I run Digital Fixers, with my great friend Nic, from home. We help small businesses who often have to change plans and ideas at the last minute, which I can totally sympathise with! To find out more about what Digital Fixers do, click here to check out their website.

I don’t feel too much pressure to get things done now, so what works for me is doing a bit of work, caring for Jerry, or doing house stuff, more work, sorting the kids and dinner, then doing more work. Some days nothing tangible has been done work wise at the end of the day. I have to learn to live with that and hope the next day is better.

Regarding Carers mental health, how do you cope with the stress?

I just do, I don’t know how sometimes. I think you don’t know how strong you are until the shit shizz actually hits the fan, and then most people find they’re stronger than they ever thought they could be. I’m a problem solver, so I find it difficult when it’s a problem I can’t solve.

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“You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice.”

— Bob Marley

Does being a Carer affect your relationships?

I believe a couple’s relationship changes throughout their life, and you have to grow and change to survive. We’ve switched roles back and forward over the years as to who is the stronger and who needs support. This feels more permanent though.

My parents live in Spain but we can’t get out to see them very often. The last time I went I was on my own, just 2 weeks after Jerry’s head injury accident, so I worried a lot when I was away. The kids are great and help a lot but I feel bad that they have to do that.

Most friends are online these days, especially since the kids started high school. We talk daily in WhatsApp groups and I have a couple of friends I meet for actual coffee (before lockdown). Sometimes I feel I do nothing but moan to some friends, but they moan to me about their problems. We all need someone we can vent to!

How do you find other people react to you having a chronically ill husband?

Hmmm! I’m not sure this is even something I think about. My friends are supportive but if they weren’t they wouldn’t really be friends! I have people I call if I can’t get out and need something, others if I can’t do the school run. If I need help I ask, people feel good helping others. Once I learned that, I was more open to asking for help.

Is there anything that you wish you’d known when you first became a Carer and do you know your rights?

I still don’t really know anything about these things. Jerry is the one who is ill so I focus on his rights. Maybe I need to investigate! I think I’m only starting to accept that now I am his Carer.

If you had a superpower what would it be and why?

I have a superpower – it’s holding everything together single handed! The only other superpower I would like, would be the power to fix Jerry.

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What do you want to achieve in life that you think may be difficult now you’re a Carer?

To travel. I really hadn’t finished that.

Is there anything else you want to say about being a Carer?

It sneaked up on me. I didn’t realise. Even now, I just see everything I do as a part of being his wife, so am I his Carer or his wife?

A Important Time To Spotlight A Carers Mental Health

Lesley’s been kind enough to answer my questions about her role as a Carer. They got her thinking about some aspects of her role for the first time. After sending me her answers she went on the Carers UK website to start investigating what might be available for her.

Lesley has a great network of friends that make up her support system which is so important for a Carers mental health. The impact of caring for a partner within a family, can also affect the children’s mental health. Lesley’s comment about not being able to give her kids the life they had before, hit home for me.

However her teenage daughter is seeing a counsellor which helps her communicate her feelings, so important for her emotional well-being. Joel, myself and the boys had family therapy which gave us tools to communicate how we feel in a constructive way. To read more about emotional well-being for families, click here to read my blog.

“Caring can place a big strain on families. Carers sometimes say that friends and family disappear once caring begins. This can lead to feelings of isolation and resentment.””

— Carers UK

We have to recognise the strain caring can put on a relationship. When we commit to one another we think we have all the time in the world, so when a partner’s health changes and they need care, the other is never ready to take on the role. Like Lesley’s travelling plans, both partners’ lives change, which may lead to feeling bitter.

However, many couples are brought closer and Lesley’s love for Jerry shines through this interview. I totally agree that her superpower is holding everything together, in a way that works for her family. But we all differ and Carers juggle so much, they often don’t find time for themselves. This is why a Carers mental health is so important.

As we head towards the end of 2020, it is more important than ever that we shine a spotlight on the support available for Carers. A recent survey found that 78% reported “the needs of the person they care for have increased during the pandemic” with worries it would worsen with further Lockdowns and restrictions.

My Recommended Reading List

These books are my recommendations on this topic. These books are all about a Carer’s well-being which will help any Carers mental health. Mindfulness may sound a bit woo-woo but t’s just spending some time being present. For extra ideas refer to my emotional well-being blogs to get started. I hope these help you as a carer or you can pass these ideas on to your carer, to cope with the stress of being a carer.

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How You Can Help Raise Awareness And Donate To Support Carers

“This Carers Rights Day, we want to empower Carers with information and support, so they can feel confident asking for what they need.” This information to support Carers Mental Health and more, is for Carers in any setting. If you want to know more, click here to read the Carers UK guide to looking after someone.

We would both love this blog to do even more than raise awareness so would both be very grateful if you could donate whatever you can to the charity Carers UK. To donate please click on this button and follow the instructions. Thank you so much.

DONATE TO CARERS UK TODAY

Lesley has shared her story in the hope of raising awareness of the stress that being a Carer has on you. We would both be so grateful if you could share this blog on your social media using the links at the end of this post. A note from the Carers UK website about how your donation can help them support Carers in the UK.
Across the UK today 6.5 million people are carers, supporting a loved one who is older, disabled or seriously ill. That’s 1 in 8 adults who care, unpaid, for family and friends… Carers UK makes life better for carers. Caring will affect us all at some point in our lives. We’ll be here for you when that happens. With your help, we can be there for the 6,000 people who start looking after someone each day.

How Carers UK supports carers:
- We give expert advice, information and support.
- We connect carers so no-one has to care alone.
- We campaign together for lasting change.
- We innovate to find new ways to reach and support carers.
To enable CARERS UK to do this please follow the instructions on their DONATE page by clicking here.

To help us raise awareness please share this blog on your social media with friends and use #CarersRightsDay. To help us raise money for Carers UK on Facebook please add the donate button and choose Carers UK when you share this post.

Stay safe,

Laura 💜

P.S

If you care for someone and find it hard to prioritise your own needs, I can help you create better well-being strategies using my free well-being plan. This will help prioritise your own needs, such as better sleep patterns, self care or doing the things you love. Or if you want to get on a waiting list for updates on my first ever well-being journal, please sign up to my Strong Mums mailing list here.
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✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with mental health and/or chronic invisible illnesses and those who care for them.⬇ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you.
24/11/2020
It’s Here: Genuine Support For Strong Instagram Mums
It’s Here: Genuine Support For Strong Instagram Mums
So, I’ve been procrastinating all year about whether to start a support group for mums. Should it just be for mums with chronic illness or mental health problems? Should it be a group for mums with teenagers like me or mums with young children, as that’s where my expertise lies? Do I even want to have a group?

You see, I’m a member of a business growth membership and we’ve been told that having a group helps to build super fans; that having a Facebook group is a fantastic way to grow our business. The thing is, I’m not a fan of Facebook and I’m definitely not a fan of the idea of running a Facebook group.

I’ve had some awful experiences in Facebook groups and, as this weird year of 2020 has transpired, I’ve spent less and less time on the platform. I can’t cope with the moaning that occurs in lots of these groups. I don’t ever want to run a moany group, it’s just not me. I’d also need lots of help to run a Facebook group; another issue.

So I started thinking about all the Instagram Mums following me and knew that if I was going to start something, I needed to think outside the box. Instagram seemed a good place to start. So whilst November seemed to rush in and a second lock down in England slapped us in the face, I’d found a way to offer genuine support.

This blog is part of the November Link Up kindly hosted by Sheryl Chan of A Chronic Voice. Please check out the other great posts in the link up.

The prompts this month are:
- Incorporating
- Experimenting
- Sanitising
- Launching
- Writing
Incorporating

As I said, I’ve been pondering over the group idea for months. I know I wouldn’t have enough energy for running a group on my own, something my business peers don’t usually have to consider in the same way I do (I have to keep reminding myself this, due to comparisonitis). Incorporating this into my life was going to be a challenge.

The first challenge was finding the support I needed. I needed to find mums I could trust but I couldn’t think of any who had the time or energy to put into a traditional support group. I certainly didn’t have the energy to monitor a group on my own. Knowing this helped me realise that a traditional group really wasn’t for me!

I love the feel I get from the Mums who are part of the community following over @strengthoftears_mum. This mostly consists of what I call frazzled mums, a term incorporating mums who are stressed out, have chronic illnesses, anxiety or depression. Despite all this, the positive vibe and support is there when someone needs a rant or has a flare.

I wanted to bring this energy into my group so I settled on the idea of having an Instagram group. I still needed support to help me get this idea off the ground. They helped me plan as we chatted through ideas. Incorporating self care was particularly important for us all.

I needed a name. I didn’t want to use the term frazzled mum for this group so incorporating ‘Strong Mums’ from my mailing list name seemed ideal. I use this term as it highlights the strength we build as we face the challenges of motherhood; I want the community to empower women!

If you’re a mum wanting support and access to my free resources sign up to my Strong Mum’s Mailing List today.
YES, I WANT TO BE A STRONG MUM

“Motherhood is the biggest gamble in the world. It is the glorious life force. It’s huge and scary-It’s an act of Infinite optimism.”

— Gilda Radner

Experimenting

I knew I’d be experimenting with choosing Instagram for this, but it’s my happy place on social media so it makes sense to me. I don’t find Instagram as moany as other platforms so making this a space for mums to meet other Instagram mums seemed the right choice for me. I set about researching the idea and trying to explain my plan.

Before starting this I wanted to create a logo, using the teardrop from my Strength Of Tears brand, experimenting with my branding colours. I shared these with my peers in my business growth membership and their comments helped me link my website branding to the group.

Using Instagram as a platform for a group is experimenting, as this won’t work the same way as a traditional group. Making this group for the audience I already had seemed too restrictive so I’be now broadened the group to mums with kids of any age, including step-mums and carers.

I have to remind myself it’s fine to keep experimenting with how the group will run as it builds momentum, and how we grow as an engaged community who lift each other up. I’m excited to be creating a space for Instagram Mums to connect and empower one another.

I’ve been in similar networking groups but I haven’t come across this. Experimenting with creating a support group in a private group chat, makes me excited by the potential it has to be a positive, inclusive and supportive space.

Join on Instagram

All Mums welcome, just click on the link to head to the Instagram post that gets you into the group!

Join Strong Mums Support Group

Sanitising

In the year of constantly needing to sanitise, this group has been a welcome distraction for me and I hope this continues under lock down number 2. I hope that the group will provide a welcome distraction for my growing community. Hopefully it will become the place people turn to over the next few weeks and months.

Our small following is already engaged and as soon as this recent lock down was announced I had mums in the private group chat sharing their concerns and supporting each other.

I want this group to provide genuine connections. I see us offering regular mental health check ins as part of our self care approach, especially as we head to the end of a very tough year. I want mums to be able to find sanctuary from the world in our private group chat, whether they’re kids are tiddly or grown.

“Mother’s give up so much, so that their children can have so much.”

— Catherine Pulsifer

Launching

Launching this new community has gone better than I hoped. I decided to bite the bullet about 2 weeks ago, kind of by accident, and we already have over 60 followers. It was a quiet launch as I had no idea I was doing it until I was at a zoom networking meeting and I blurted it out, hoping people would spread the word.

So, I had to launch the account that day! This stopped my procrastination but I had no idea how others would react. Mums are interested but I think many are so used to Facebook that using Instagram is initially confusing. I know it’s not everyone’s cup of tea, but I’m glad I just went for it.

For us to grow, I need the Instagram mums who’ve joined the community to tag their mum friends. As I’ve said, the group is for mums from pregnancy to flown the nest. We have mums with babies, teenagers and children who have their own kids in the DM support group. We’re there to lift each other up and the support group is ideal for this.

Now is an important time to have a support system and as lock down continues it will be increasingly important, as mums face new challenges. I also know that not everyone reading this sees themselves as Instagram Mums but I bet you would really benefit from connecting with others, even if you think you’re not tech savvy.

I plan on launching our Join Us day on a Thursday and I’ll continue launching new ideas as the group grows so that there’s something for everyone. [Over time the page became too much for me to manage and so the group is now hosted on my main account.] If you want to come and explore then visit Strength Of Tears_Mum’s ‘JOIN US’ post.

Writing

Writing posts for the group will involve changing the way I plan my social media and my style of writing. I also need to make sure I’m not giving myself too much extra work [I did so you can now follow everything from my main account].

My biggest challenge will be writing clear instructions for the mums joining in. They will be asked to share the post to their stories to help spread the word. This sounds easier than it will be; my brain doesn’t like staying focused. I expect to be re-writing it a few times to get it right.

With the new challenges, I’ll be writing about topics others have a say in, mainly what my audience want to discuss. This could be news or awareness events or writing more general check in posts. The DM’s additional support group will be monitored for consistent support.

How To Join My New Free Instagram Mums Group

I hope that if you’re still here, you’re a mum interested in joining us. We’d love to have your support in building this community and empowering women. It’s a great place to meet other mums and if you want a support system you’re welcome to join our Strong Mums Social Support in our private DM Group.

We’re on a mission to connect as many mums as possible. All mums are welcome, including step-mums and carers, whatever age your kids are. Women running businesses that support mums in finding solutions are welcome, however, selling is not. This group lifts mums up so they feel strong enough to face life’s challenges.

It’s not a follow loop or a follow to unfollow page, anyone doing this will be removed. You don’t have to follow everyone or a certain number of people on any of our posts.

Do you want to be part of this network of Instagram mums supporting each other?

Join Strong Mums Social DM Group

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I want to support mums any way I can, especially around self care, so as well as these book suggestions, I have created a free, simple step by step well-being planner to help you stop chronic illness crushing you!

Get your free well-being planner

How do you like to connect online? What do you look for from a support or social group?

Tell me in the comments.

Stay safe,

L 💜

P.S I can help you put yourself as a mama first by creating personalised well-being strategies that work around your life. My free well-being plan will help prioritise your own needs, such as building connections, making time for self care or doing the things you love. Or if you want be the first to know when my well-being journal launches sign up to my Strong Mums mailing list here

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✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help mums with chronic invisible illnesses ⬆ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save these images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!
16/11/2020
How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities
How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

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How we feel as a mum often has a direct impact on our family. If we’re happy and playful then our kids usually are, if we’re calm then our kids are often calm. But life isn’t all happiness and laughter. Sometimes we will feel sad, angry or unmotivated.

So yeah, you’ve guessed it, if you feel down in the dumps or angry then that’s probably going to affect your kids. This isn’t a bad thing, it’s about being realistic not to make you question your mothering. It’s perfectly normal for us to experience a spectrum of different emotions.

Life’s hard for us all at times but some of us may be feeling anxious, depressed or having a high pain day, all of which may leave you feeling snappy or despondent. Trying to make yourself happy isn’t realistic so allow yourself to feel this way. It’s okay not to be okay, the key is knowing how to respond to these feelings.

“Feel the feeling but don’t become the emotion. Witness it. Allow it. Release it.”

— Crystal Andrus

As you can’t change any of this you need to communicate with your children and other family members how you’re feeling, and they need to do the same thing! It’s hard to communicate our feelings whether we’re 8 or 80 but the younger we are the harder it is for us to even understand what we’re feeling.

Have you experienced having no idea why you suddenly feel super grumpy. Think about how this must feel for young children who struggle to even name their feelings. This is one of those times when you have to take action with your family for it to benefit you completely.

This blog has 5 emotional well being activities that can be made cheaply. These activities are things that I’ve used in schools when teaching 4-7 year olds and children with special educational needs or disabilities (SEND). Or we’ve used it as a family to improve our communication skills.

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These 5 emotional well-being activities are for you to try with your family:
1. Mindfulness Moments – Take 5 for some deep breathing, relaxing music etc.
2. Coping Cards- Use colours or numbers to rate a problem and match to a coping skill.
3. Calm Down Kit – A way to manage emotions, build self esteem and keep calm.
4. Feelings Jar – A way to understand and cope with the world of mixed emotions.
5. Feelings Tracker – A colour coded system to see if there are any patterns to how you’re feeling.
I’ve chosen these 5 activities for a small budget and explained how to use them with children and if necessary how to adapt them for teens and adults, so you can use them as a family. You can add these to a routine easily by using my well-being planner. Download this for free by signing up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list.
Download My Free Planner

Five Emotional Well-being Activities

1. Mindfulness Moments

There are many ways to practice mindfulness during the day for all family members. Many of us struggle to stay calm when our children misbehave or are being so loud you can’t think. We easily lose our cool and can then make a bad call and overreact with punishment that could dismiss a child’s feelings.

“Everyday in a hundred small ways our children ask, ‘Do you see me? Do you hear me? Do I matter?’ Their behaviour often reflects our response.”

— L.R Knost
These simple activities can help you regulate your child’s behaviour. However, self regulation is usually developed in childhood, when we learn to control impulses and develop a toolkit to reflect our feelings. Learn these exercises for mindfulness with your child so the whole family can grow.

What You Need:
- A quiet space
- 5 minutes
- Timer
- An outside space such as a garden, park or quiet street
- Colouring pens
- Colouring book (see below)
  
  Deep Breathing – Sit comfortably and put your hands on your tummy. Take a deep breath in and blow up your tummy like a balloon. Then let all the air out. Repeat – breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Breathe in again but hold your breath with a big tummy. Count to 2 then breathe out. Repeat or use as a warm up.
  
  Get Active – Go outside and run in a big circle for 1 minute (use a timer or stopwatch), kids need to stay where they can hear your instructions. Stop and reach to the sky on tiptoes. Then do 10 star jumps. Stop and curl up in a ball. Do 5-10 hops per leg. Stop and stretch wide like a starfish. Repeat with similar actions, using the stop and start pattern.
  
  Body Scan – lie down comfortably with eyes closed and imagine the sun is warming you up all over. Focus that warmth on your feet. Imagine golden sunshine moving slowly up to your knees, warming your legs, hips and up through your torso. Move it slowly down each arm, pausing to let tension go.
  
  Scavenger Hunt – Go out into the garden or down the street and give your children a few things to find. If you only have 5 minutes then give them something you know they’ll find. In autumn it could be leaves, cookers etc. Or choose things they see or touch, rather than collect, e.g. a red door or a tree.
  
  Laughing Yoga – (it’s fun not woo-woo) Sit comfortably and take 3 deep breaths in through your nose, flaring your nostrils. Then breathe out of a wide open mouth. Laugh as though you’re different animals e.g. squeeze your cheeks and nose to laugh like a hyena or scrunch your face to do a lion’s roar.
  
  Have a colouring book and sit with your child and colour whilst listening to calming instrumental music. Setting a timer can help you stay present. You could keep a sketchbook and draw lines, shapes etc. Check out these colouring books for children and adults.
The Mindfulness Colouring Book : Anti-stress Art Therapy for Busy People

Children’s Coloring Book – Confident You and Fantasy Drawings : Boost Self-Esteem and Creativity

You can do all of these activities with your child or as a family. You can lengthen the time you spend doing these with older children or challenge yourself by adding more ambitious exercises or adding the body stretches in yoga. Expand your knowledge of breathing exercises and body scans by reading this meditation blog.

2. Coping Cards

Learning coping skills is a big task and varies widely as what works for someone will be different to someone else or even changed depending on the day. As children grow they’ll change and adults can probably skip some steps. Before creating your coping cards you’ll need to work with your child to see how they respond.

What You Need:
- Pen
- Paper
- Paint tester cards
- Postcard sized card or blank flashcards
- Coping Skills For Kids checklist – Download this one for free here
Firstly, set up a system using colours or numbers to rate each emotion. Paint tester cards are a great way to label, as you can show the steps towards the strongest emotion. If you don’t have these, you can create your own colour chart.

With young children use one feeling per card and label 1-5 (5 being strongest). Older children and teens can add more feelings, using similar words as shown. Discuss how to order them to show how they escalate. Adults can add these to a journal.

Start with five or six widely recognised feelings. With young children I’d use angry, happy, sad, excited, calm and scared. Positive feelings will help to show opposite emotions as what they’d want to feel after calming down. Ask your child what makes them feel this way. Choose a colour for each feeling.
Once you’ve explored these feelings you can create the Coping Cards. Using categories on the downloaded checklist (linked above) to guide you, discuss what helps your child when they’re feeling sad, angry etc. Teenagers can use the checklist to do this themselves.

Help your child create a set of coping cards by matching a coping skill to each feeling. Children respond well to visual prompts, especially when they’re not coping, so take a photo or draw the activity they’ve chosen for each feeling.
1. Get a postcard or A5 sized card and fill out the top sections as shown,
2. Fill in the blanks with your child so they get another chance to talk about it. If your child is young you can use feeling emojis so they don’t need to read.
3. Add the image of the coping skill underneath.
4. If you can, laminate or cover with clear film so they last longer.
5. Repeat this for each coping card then punch a hole in the corner before connecting the cards with a split ring or treasury tag.
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You’ll need to make everything easily accessible, such as props or toys to support your child’s plan, Teens and adults coping plans could be kept as a phone note, voice memo or in a journal, such as the one I’m creating for well-being. You can sign up to my Strong Mum’s Mailing List to be the first to know when this will be available.

Sign Up For My Well-Being Journal
3. Calm Down Kit

Once we’ve learnt to understand our different feelings we need to build up effective strategies for when strong emotions overwhelm us. By creating a calm down kit with emotional well-being activities, we can access our support system in challenging moments. Anyone can allow emotions to take over so these kits are for all ages.

A calm down kit will look different for everyone but it will work best for kids when it’s personalised to their interests. The kits can be adapted as children grow and their interests change. They can be set up for specific emotions too, for example someone struggling with anxiety. Click here to read my anxiety coping strategies blog.

What You Need:
- A box, bag or backpack for organisation
- The coping cards you made
- Any toys or items you’ve chosen for the coping cards
- Items from the suggested list below
- Feelings books as suggested below
- An inviting, accessible area at home, read this article for great ideas
Other items appropriate for your child or yourself as shown below.

Top tip: get 2 to avoid any upsets.
- Yoga Poses Cards – Each card is beautifully illustrated and gives you detailed instructions.
- Stuffed Toy like this Fabelab Buddy Fox A perfect gift for a little one to make a friend for life. The corn fibre filling is a well-rounded natural option for easier washing and means it keeps its sturdy shape no matter how much its cuddled and played with.
- Breathing Exercises as in Step 1
- Calming music or Audiobook such as this Hygge Meets Mindfulness: A Book Bundle The 30 Day Mindfulness Challenge. Thirty days to greater happiness, greater peace, self-awareness, gratitude, and to the real you.
- Bubble Wrap
- Fidget toys like those in this Magnificent Magnets Science Kit – Learn about the magic of magnets in this magnificently awesome science kit.
- Essential Oils like this Women’s Balance Aromatherapy Duo – Includes 1 Remedies to Roll Women’s Balance,1 Aromatherapy Blend Women’s Balance
- Puzzle books like this Kids’ Book of Dot to Dot
- Sensory Toys – For instructions on how to make these last, read my messy play ideas blog here.
Add feelings books to your collection for exploring emotions when your child is calm.

Children
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Teens
- Understanding Myself : A Kid’s Guide to Intense Emotions and Strong Feelings By Mary Lamia – For 12-17 years. Chock-full of cool psychology and info on emotions, real-life stories from kids, interesting facts, and feeling quizzes.
- Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens By Sheri Van Dijk – For 12-17 years Don’t Let Your Emotions Run Your Life for Teens is a workbook that can help. In this book, you’ll find new ways of managing your feelings so that you’ll be ready to handle anything life sends your way.
These kits are a positive way to deal with behaviour from stressful situations. This helps us teach children to self regulate and develop their self awareness so they can pause between a feeling and reaction. This article explains the psychology and importance of self regulation.

4. Feelings Jar

After learning to self-regulate our emotions we discover the world of mixed emotions. We often experience so many emotions, it can be hard to break down everything we’re feeling. Learning how to respond to this is more complex. The Feelings Jar is an effective way to help kids who struggle to self regulate.

When we were dealing with the huge changes my brain condition brought, we all experienced strong, mixed emotions. As parents in this state of mind, it was hard to make the right judgement call to help our boys self regulate. We were honest about our negative thoughts and used a window to represent the illness.

We screamed and shouted to release our feelings of being embarrassed, angry, scared etc. Once we’d done that, we opened the window to let the feelings go. We celebrated small wins with a positivity jar to remind us there were good feelings too. This wouldn’t work for everyone so I want to share the Feelings Jar idea with you.

What You Need:
- 2 clean jam jars
- A Sharpie pen
- Labels
- Craft Pom Poms
1. Draw equal lines of measurement up the side of each jar. Label each line with numbers 1-5. Use labels or coloured lids to show clearly which jar is positive and which is negative.
2. Using your emotions colour system from the coping cards activity, sort the Pom Poms by colour to match both positive and negative emotions.
3. Ask your child to choose one colour e.g. red for angry and fill the jar with Pom Poms up to the level (1-5) they’re feeling angry. Talk about what is making them feel like this as they fill the jar.
4. If the Pom Poms go over the level you’d expect, talk to them about how that emotion grew bigger than it needed to be. Repeat with positive feelings.
5. Then go back to the negative emotions jar. Ask your child whether they can take any Pom Poms out now they’ve focused on the positives. You can encourage them by making a game of throwing or “exploding” the pom poms.
As our boys grew older we still prioritised time to talk about how they were feeling each day. This could be at a mealtime or after school. We started monthly family meetings to talk about the big picture. Doing this showed the boys how to handle big emotions and mixed feelings. These activities show your child their feelings are valid.

5. Feelings Tracker

A feelings tracker is a colour coded system to look for patterns in how you’re feeling. This is quite a common bullet journal activity and there are apps available to do this too. This is one of the emotional well-being activities you can use with children after they’ve learnt to recognise different emotions.

Our emotions change depending on situations, our personality and temperament. Recording our feelings helps us identify behavioral patterns and give us insight into the way we think. To get accuracy you need to take time to reflect at the best time of day for you. Be specific about what, when and where you were.

What You Need:
- Coloured Pens
- Paper, worksheet or bullet journal
- Stickers (optional)
1. After deciding on how to record you’ll need to choose the colours which represent your emotions or what you decided in the Coping Cards section.
2. Add a labelled colour code for easy reference.
3. Each day record the date and time of your entry
4. Colour the section of your image or grid with the colour to show how you feel.
5. Add information about why you or your child felt like this.
6. Make notes of what you were doing so you can compare habits
7. Detail how the situation was dealt with so you can make comparisons.
8. Regularly check your data to look for patterns about what makes you or your child happy, sad, anxious or excited.
Our habits could be adding to our feelings by helping us or hurting us. Tracking this can help us find what we need to change and know the support we need to do that. Another benefit of this is that you are being present and mindful whilst making these entries. We have the power to change and choose how we respond.
How To Make 5 Cheap Family Emotional Well-Being Activities

It’s perfectly normal for us to experience a spectrum of different emotions and due to the stress modern living puts on our brains, we are likely to experience anxiety or worry at some time. Many research projects have shown mindfulness is great at reducing this as these activities are based on being present and self aware.

It is hard for us to communicate our feelings at any age and our personality and experiences affect how well we understand what we’re feeling. These emotional well-being activities help us to understand basic and mixed emotions so we can regulate our responses.

Understanding how the positives can outweigh the negatives we feel, can calm the part of our brain that reacts with strong emotions. Our brains are wired to focus on negatives, which is why we’re more likely to worry or feel stressed. But we can rewire the brain by sending regular positive messages.

One of the most helpful things we can do as a parent is understanding how emotions influence our child’s behaviour. Exploring patterns in their emotions helps us make better judgements about the reactions we have, understanding helps us stay calm during challenging moments and empathise with how our child responds to stress.

The aim of these emotional well-being activities is to filter the negative feelings so we can be calmer. This helps regulate the information that goes to the part of the brain that helps us make good, sensible choices. By teaching and modelling self regulation you and your child will be able to temper your reactions to emotional situations.

Stay safe,

Laura 💜

P.S. I can help you to work on the areas that you need to develop or help your child learn. My free well-being planner is perfect for this with a guide to help you work out what to prioritise.. Sign up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list for access to this free download here.

Get your free download here

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✋ Hey there! I hope you’re feeling stronger now. If so, sharing the love will help me help other mums with chronic invisible illnesses. ⬆️ Hit one of those sharing buttons or save the images to Pinterest and I will do a bed-bound happy dance – there’s an image for you!
06/11/2020
2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read
2 Insanely Good Self Awareness Books You Need To Read

Being self aware is one of those things that we all think we are but most of us journey through life without this understanding. I think many of us are aware of who we think we are, believing we have the qualities we see as important.

“Self awareness: “good knowledge and judgment about yourself.””

— The Cambridge Dictionary
Self awareness is understanding your character, behaviour, thoughts, actions and feelings. As someone who’s had to adjust my life because a massive curve-ball, self awareness is something I’ve become fascinated with. Initially, I was dealing with so many emotions and constant pain so there was no room in my life for self study.

When I lost my vocation as a teacher I grieved the loss of the only thing I’d ever wanted to be, other than a mother. I’d put all my eggs in one basket so I completely lost my way, I had no awareness of my purpose. I loved being a mum but I knew enough about myself to know I needed more.

I worked so hard to prove to myself I wasn’t a waste of space and really struggled to let myself heal. So I turned to a life coach who helped me deal with the stuff I’d buried, understand my behaviour patterns and set myself goals to rebuild myself. Click here to read about this in my blog about fulfilment.

Along my self discovery journey, I’ve listened to 2 insanely good books that have helped me reflect on my thoughts and behaviours. Both self awareness books have helped me understand myself and my feelings better so I wanted to share my thoughts on these books with you.

In this blog I’ll talk about:
- Psychology and Self Awareness
- Braving The Wilderness By Brené Brown
- Becoming By Michelle Obama
- My thoughts on Growth and Self Awareness
Psychology and Self Awareness

In psychology, self awareness is in two categories. The first is subjective self awareness where we look at our behaviour from our own perspective, with the world evolving around us. The Objective Self Awareness Theory was defined in a study by Duval and Wicklund in 1972.

They defined objective self awareness as a person being self-focused or other-focused at any given time, and that when someone was ‘inward focused’ they were comparing themself to the standards from their environment. This leads to adjustments in thoughts and behaviours.

““The more self-focused a person is, the more self-aware the person become”

— Kori D. Miller

Their work sparked many more studies as more questions arose around the standards we compare ourselves to. To know more about the psychological viewpoint of self awareness please click here to read this article.

This interest has become popular with mindfulness and meditation growing considerably, alongside journalling to spend time on reflection. I write about 3 positive things in my journal every day, which helps me to take a pause. The next step is to have a standard for comparison..

Personality tests are constantly being developed as a point of reference for self awareness. Today I took the Enneagram Type Indicator which has 9 types, each centred around an emotion. I came out as ‘The Perfectionist’, not surprisingly. To take this test click here.

Braving The Wilderness By Brené Brown

Brené Brown

Buy Braving The Wilderness Here

Click Here To Get The Book

Brené Brown is a research professor and storyteller who studies courage, shame, vulnerability and empathy. Her Ted Talk on The Power Of Vulnerability is one of the most watched Ted Talks of all time and is what she’s probably best known for. I stumbled across this accidentally one day but had no idea how much this had blown up. You can watch it here.

A few years later my life coach recommended this book to me. I listened to it on Audible and it just kept hitting home. This is the book that started my mini obsession with Brené who writes the most accessible, research driven Self Awareness Books I’ve come across.

This book’s subtitle, ‘The quest for true belonging and the courage to stand alone’, sings of storytelling. She starts the book with her own confession about feeling vulnerable as she embarks on writing something that may challenge long held beliefs. She draws you in with her personal touch as she tells the story of her findings.

Brené talks about her faith and how this made things difficult for her to belong at school, being in the wrong religion in a Catholic school for starters. For me faith is a very different thing and I wasn’t sure I could relate to her talking about her relationship with God and the church. However her story about her search for belonging is told so beautifully it isn’t alienating or preachy.

““We’re in a spiritual crisis, and the key to building a true belonging practice is maintaining our belief in inextricable human connection”

But it’s that power of vulnerability that keeps pulling me back in as she talks about our tendency to get rid of or cover our pain, hoping that will make it go away. However, she found that the men and women she studied who leaned into joy, practised gratitude. This practice allows us to show our vulnerable moments of joy but without vulnerability there’s no courage to show up.

Braving The Wilderness

By Brené Brown

Get The Book On Audible

Buy Braving The Wilderness By Brené Brown on Audible here

Becoming By Michelle Obama

Becoming

By Michelle Obama’s

Click To Buy This On Audible

Michelle Obama’s best-selling autobiography isn’t what comes to mind when you think of self awareness books but her honest reflection on her life is enlightening. I don’t really need to introduce her as she’s one of the most iconic women of our time.

This memoir is an insight into her world and experiences that have shaped her. She speaks of her childhood in a small apartment within a bungalow in Chicago in a typical Black working class community. It was in a time of turmoil in America with riots sparked by the shooting of Martin Luther King Jr.

I love her recollection of being asked on her first date by Barack, one warm summer evening. She recalls him politely asking if he could kiss her and at the moment everything became clear to her. She tells the reader that as soon as she allowed herself to feel anything, all the feelings came rushing; lust, fulfilment and wonder.

She talks openly about balancing her own work as a lawyer and being a mother. However, her honest revelations about her frustrations with Barack moving higher up the political ladder, was an uncomfortable read.

In her words, he became a “human blur, a pixelated version of the guy I knew”.

As they ‘Become More’ with their move to The White House, she describes how suffocating she finds the windows that can’t be opened and the secret service everywhere. She complains about “the new heaviness” the presidency brings with it but at the end of those eight years, she returns to having time for reflection.

I loved listening to Michelle narrate the audiobook herself. Her voice is so calming to listen to and that calm, as she often references, is needed for true reflection. This audiobook won’t come up if you search for self awareness books but it’s inspired me to reflect on my own family life and how I’ve balanced motherhood and working. Read my blog about balancing life as a mum and that thing called mum guilt here.

Becoming

By Michelle Obama

Click Here To By The Book

Buy Becoming By Michelle Obama on Audible here.

2 Epic Self Awareness Books For Guaranteed Growth

Whether you’re looking for self awareness books to reflect on the different aspects of yourself or you stumble across these books by chance, I highly recommend them both. They will both open your eyes to how aware you truly are and teach you the importance of taking time to reflect.

I mentioned earlier that many of us are aware of who we think we are. I was reminded of this when I took the Enneagram test, having to stop myself from giving answers for the qualities I may see as important, although these tests aren’t a competition, rather a tool for learning about yourself. Maybe self awareness is really about being brutally honest with yourself.

In Braving The Wilderness, Brené Brown makes you think about your feelings, your habits and your behaviors. This book certainly helped me have clarity on why being vulnerable was something I needed to give myself permission for. She makes sure you know that to guarantee your personal growth, self awareness is key.

In Becoming, Michelle Obama took me with her on her life journey, making sure I knew that the end of the book was not the end of her journey. She shows just how patient and persistent she was, is and will be in the future. She’s a role-model to so many and her honest reflections reinforce the importance of focusing on our own growth.

Both books talk about allowing yourself to feel. For Michelle this revolves around letting go as she begins to fall for Barack. With Brené it’s an understanding from her research that it’s okay to feel pain. Both of these circumstances rely on your vulnerability, even with one negative and one positive emotion. I love how both authors lead you towards this.

After reading these books I know I have to allow myself to be vulnerable so I can be self aware, I’ve learnt from these self awareness books that being vulnerable is not weak or restrictive and that in fact, it will help you uncover the truths that you’re looking for. The secret element to self-awareness is surely our ability to be vulnerable.

Stay safe

Laura 💜

P.S I can help you develop your self awareness focus with this free well-being planner. This is an opportunity to reflect on your habits and prioritise your wellness now. You can also make sure that you’re the first to know when my wellness journal’s launch date. Sign up to my Strong Mum’s mailing list for all this and much more.

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23/10/2020