Practical Ways To Talk About Race With Your Child
Practical Ways To Talk About Race With Your Child
The news and protests about Black Lives Matter has had a profound impact on me. For the first time I truly see my white privilege as a mother. My tears run daily. I can’t imagine how people of colour, especially Black mothers are feeling.
But this isn’t about our feelings, it’s about our actions. As I can’t attend protests, I’ve spoken more to family and friends, as I listen I’m more aware, as I read, I understand a little more. I pledge to keep learning, doing and saying more to keep showing up!
However you don’t need me to rant at or lecture you, so I’m writing something for every Mum reading this. I acknowledge you may be feeling strongly right now and that you may find this uncomfortable. I hope that as mothers we can come together.
My own kids have their opinions on what’s happening in the world, but even young children will be aware of race issues at the moment. I want to share my experiences as a Mum in 2020 and my knowledge from 20+ years of working in diverse schools.
As our journey will look and feel differently to each of us, you can take this article one section at a time. You may feel like you don’t want to go wrong and push yourself, letting emotions build into overwhelm and/or anxiety. If this builds, we can give up on the journey.
However this is such an important journey and course of action that giving up is a hasty move and we could hold ourselves and our family back. So please however much time out you need and download my ‘Coping Strategies For Anxiety’ free guide. When you feel ready come back, one step at a time.
if you’re okay to go on with your journey, please process your emotions, checking in with yourself often. You’ll be guiding children from age 2 or 3, as they can recognise race; up to teens who can ask hard questions. I’m sharing my experiences and practical examples of how to talk about race with your child.
To do this, I will talk about:
Education in the UK for children of different racial backgrounds
How our feelings about race influences our children’s perception
Why we need to talk about race with our children
How to talk sensitively to your child about race
Recommended resources to help you talk about race
Before I get started I want to explain some terms, as some are even new to me:
White Privilege - This doesn’t mean that your life isn’t difficult, it simply means that your skin color isn’t one of the things contributing to your life difficulties.
Antiracist - “A powerful collection of antiracist policies that lead to racial equity and are substantiated by antiracist ideas.” Ibram X Kendi
Unconscious bias - An unconscious belief that leads to prejudice against a person, or group compared with other social and identity groups.
Allyship - This term is often seen as a label that white people use to make themselves feel good. But this is a destination so instead we should show up.
Colour blind - not seeing a difference rather than recognising and valuing it.
Microaggressions - remarks, questions, or experiences in day-to-day interactions that are linked to being a member of a marginalised group.
Showing Up - By standing up to racist words and actions, dedicating time to learning to sustain racial equity between more than one racial group
BAME - Black, Asian, and Minority Ethnic - used controversially in the UK, originally created for research purposes, now often used by media etc. Referenced in this blog for academic purposes only)
POC/WOC - People Of Colour/Women Of Colour - Be Specific, such as Black Ghanaian, is preferable. Use acronym when discussing race other than white
BIPOC - stands for Black, Indigenous, People Of Colour (used in the USA)
Black Lives Matter” v “All Lives Matter”. This is insensitive because Black lives matter has to happen for all lives to matter. Black lives are in danger now!
Black Lives Matter v All Lives Matter Cartoon by @scarecrowbar
Education In The UK For Children Of Different Racial Backgrounds
I wrote my university dissertation about multicultural education over 20 years ago and spent the majority of my teaching career working in diverse schools. I’ve tried to build community relationships and improve representation in learning and with resources.
I've realised over the last few weeks of examining my own experiences, that apart from a friend who was Black that I trained as a Nursery Nurse with, I’ve never taught alongside a POC. What does this say when teachers are seen as role models?
In the UK, Channel 4 just aired a show called ‘The School that Tried to End Racism’. This was a 3 week experiment with 24 eleven year olds in a 50% BAME school. It asks for these children to work in affinity groups to tackle unconscious racial bias.
This show tackles our belief that the UK isn’t racist. In a review Natasha Devon writes “Dr Nicola Rollock and Professor Rhiannon Turner – argue that it is only by enforcing initial segregation that an honest conversation about race can be instigated.”
Find out more by reading this review in schoolsweek.co.uk
The show explains that they worked with Year 7 children as up to 11 years old, children mix with diverse cultures, but then start to form faith led friendship groups. These kids are our future so we all need to learn how to talk about race.
Government statistics on ethnicity in education show the largest gap in achievements in ethnic groups in 2019, other than Gypsy/Roma, was Black boys. The gap widens from 68% meeting developmental goals in Early Years, to 41% achieving 8 at GCSE.
As an Early Years teacher I saw this, as children‘s development was always similar amongst White and BAME children. In the early years we’re led by the child’s interests and by working closely with parents, we encourage sharing a child’s culture.
Young children have such open minds and this can be very powerful. In my first year we wore traditional dress and made diva lamps for Diwali. I’ll never forget the awe I saw on 30 four and five year old’s faces as I lit their lamps on a tray in the dark.
We hired amazing multicultural resources for this activity but funding was soon cut, so responsibility fell on schools. Throughout my career, even in diverse schools, I saw a lack of representation in resources.
Teaching was good at representing the communities in all schools so we celebrated an array of cultures. For example, we’d always visit the mosque where Muslim children worshipped, just as we did with the children who attended the local church.
Sadly some parents felt uncomfortable with these events and stopped children attending. Racist incidents with the parents did happen at times, which I stood up to. I never saw or heard racist behaviour amongst any of the children I taught.
10 years ago, when I was mentoring a Muslim student teacher, the town mayor visited. The mayor asked my student where she was from. She replied ‘Worthing’ but the mayor asked her again. I was mortified but didn’t know how to act in the situation.
Teachers need to listen to pupils, parents and communities and talk about race and racism at the children’s level. Schools need to keep improving their practices and relationships with parents, especially in mainly White communities.
“Schools should question the alienating nature of the British value of “tolerance” in their school… [Acceptance] shows that “I recognise your differences and appreciate you.”
Talking about race with children in school could bring lasting change. Read this Guardian article by Lola Okolosie for more ways UK schools can improve their race relations.
How Our Feelings About Race Influences Our Children’s Understanding
I’m sure I’m not the only parent who had no words, watching footage of George Floyd’s murder. There have been so many Black lives lost this year, in the UK and the US. This time many more of us have stopped to listen to and amplify Black voices.
I saw how ingrained police brutality is in parts of the US, as I watched footage of a Black boy, not much older than Eldest, being knelt on by white Metro guards. I cried as the boy shouted ‘Help Me, I’m scared’. He’d been selling water without a license!
Why? My biggest question right now is why.
Why don’t I know about all the racist killings of POC in the UK or the US?
Why does the media use provocative news bites instead of the real message?
Why haven't I learnt more about black history?
Why do WOC have to teach their children that some people may not like them because of the colour of their skin?
Why do WOC have to teach their children how to act around the police?
Why is this world still so cruel in 2020?
Why do some choose ignorance/misunderstanding over understanding?
Why does the colour of someone’s skin still dictate a young child’s future?
Why aren’t POC surprised when they encounter racism?
Why is any of this okay?
Just as I questioned how, or if at all, teachers should talk about race with children, I began asking this of myself as a mother. I believe that our children learn about the world from us and with us, so our thoughts and feelings must influence them.
So if I’m feeling and questioning so much as I process this, my kids will pick up on my rants, the words I use and my body language. They’ll see and hear what’s happening on social media and in the news, and may well hear me and my husband discuss it.
Children are never too young to talk about race, they see the differences and similarities in skin colour from babies upwards. They learn from our body language, tone of voice and language. They’ll pick up on negative and positive reinforcement.
My boys have spoken with us both about what’s happening. You could say it’s easier to speak openly with teenagers, but they’re brave enough to ask the tough questions. I believe whatever age our children are, we can and should talk about race with them.
Why am I talking about this so much when I’m meant to be sharing practical ways to talk about race? Because you need to feel confident, and to do that you need to talk about and commit to learning about racism so you can process your thoughts first.
I’ve spoken with friends about this and how we need to keep sharing the books, writers, podcasters and influencers with each other and keep talking after the protests slow. There’s no judgement from me about any parent's choice though.
One friend had chosen not to speak to their young children (4-7 years old) about it, it hadn’t come up at all. Another friend with older children had spoken to them. I’ve also been reading what friends and peers are saying online.
I believe we need to carry out an audit of our own language and behaviour. For example, thinking about how negative words are often associated with black - think black magic! There’s no exam to learn how to be an antiracist, but we can start now.
This may sound confronting and hard work, because it is. Learning about my own White privilege is emotional. But it’s a lifelong journey of growing and learning to make conscious choices that will influence our children’s generation.
Why We Need To Talk About Race With Our Children
So you may be thinking, ‘children aren’t born racist - they don’t see colour’. Yes of course children aren’t born racist. Racism is a learnt behaviour which can be unlearned. But thinking children don’t see skin colour is where this goes wrong.
This is called being Colour Blind. This came about after the civil rights movements in the 1950s and 60s. It’s borrowed from Martin Luther King Jr’s speech, where he wanted people to see his kids for their character, not the colour of their skin.
So we’ve chosen to bring up children to believe that we’re all equal. Sadly this has muted the culture of minority groups, giving rise to inequality. It prevents us seeing that racism still exists in the UK and leaves us without the language to discuss race.
Only by moving away from this approach, can we progress. Children learn watching their parents, so it’s vital that we talk about race in a positive way. Only by learning and making changes can our kids learn to question and fight unconscious bias.
“I’m asking you not to be color blind but to be color brave”
In our society, racism is frowned upon by the mainstream but still today, children from minority ethnic groups are facing a world of daily indignities and insults. All kids need to learn about these microaggressions for us to ever remove them from society.
So we have to face up to this being uncomfortable to discuss and put it into the context of what POC are having to discuss with their kids! But there is so much White parents don’t understand so we need to know we’re passing on correct information.
I read this amazing article by Brigitte Vittrup about how and why to talk to kids about race. She speaks about how by keeping quiet as parents, we can breed prejudice because children don't understand what they see or hear.
The examples used in this article were very powerful for me, so I’ve shared them with other friends who are parents navigating their way through this. Having these conversations with friends and listening to each other’s opinions help us all learn.
Brigitte tells of her 6 year old son’s friend coming to play. The boy looked at her, then her husband and asked why she was White and her husband was dark brown. It was an innocent question. She said ‘because he’s a nice man and we love each other’.
The friend was satisfied with that answer and went off to play but the mother was mortified and gently scolded him. I imagine many of us would do the same, but think how confusing this must have been for him, when he was just saying what he’d seen.
Another example was of a 7 year old girl who had commented about there being lots of Chinese people working in a Thai restaurant. She’d been shushed but unfortunately this misses the point and is known as colourmute behaviour.
There is so much for White parents to learn but the conversation’s open. There’s no expectation to learn all of this overnight. But we need to talk about race together, and with our children for any hope of there being lasting change!
How To Talk Sensitively To Your Child About Race
I’ve researched, read and researched again to be as accurate as I can. So that I can share and support you to be sensitive as you talk about race to your child and have practical tools to guide you along the way.
Firstly we need perspective. Safety is one of our basic human needs and all children should get this privilege. With White privilege, this means that White parents can give their children safety without having to consider the colour of their child’s skin.
To talk sensitively about race, we need to understand White privilege and this is hard work. You may remember me saying that this is the first time I’ve really questioned my own White privilege. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to worry about my child’s safety.
White privilege means we don’t have to worry if our child may be bullied for their skin colour or explain to our kids how to behave around the police. It does mean that we can use our White privilege to help make the world a safer place for everyone.
With young children, we have the perfect chance to start moulding minds to be racially aware. This needs to be at an appropriate level so I’d start with simple resources to draw on their experiences and learn to rebuff stereotypes.
Start doing this as soon as possible with your child so we can tackle unconscious racial bias more easily. All kids make judgements. but difficulties come in as they become more aware of race. Children may not know if to or how to ask questions,
I mentioned Affinity Groups experiments earlier, where children are grouped by colour and then reunited. The BAME group came alive talking about their heritage but the White group were jealous. We all need to talk about race, heritage and culture.
Celebrating our own heritage can help children navigate this, especially as many White British children don’t know their heritage. It will help all children feel more comfortable about celebrating their culture.
A couple of things to be sensitive to when you talk about race with your child is using correct terminology, but go with your child’s level. Don’t worry about using the word racism as this helps them to understand how race can affect their friends.
Finally be guided by your child’s questions, if they ask they’re usually ready for the answer. Look for opportunities to talk about race, culture and bullying in everyday life. As they get older, talk about the things hardest to change, such as microaggressions.
Practical Ways You Can Discuss Race With Children Aged 2-18
Early Years - 2-5 Years
Young children learn a huge amount in the early years. They learn from everything they do, whether playing by themselves or watching/listening to others. This means that we need to do the work to ensure they have positive experiences with race.
Look at your child’s toy collection with characters involved, such as Duplo and dolls. Do they represent a diverse and realistic view of the world? There are toys that do this better than others but make a decision to choose toys that represent the world fairly, with race, ability, age, gender etc. all reflected.
Use playdough as a way to embrace colour tones. If you make this with your child you can talk about the ingredients all being the same. This great blog ‘How to teach kids about race with playdough’ has everything you need.
You can reenact a TV show that has children from diverse races and cultures. All you need is some card and carefully chosen colouring pencils. Your child can draw the characters and you can talk about the colours they used, including for white people.
Go one step further with these amazing free downloads by Haley - The Colors Of Me . I love how this gives positive examples for describing colour tone. For example Brown Sugar, Oatmeal and Coffee Beans. If you want the full lesson then you can download it here.
Use play situations with small world e.g. creating a farm with farm workers, animals and props to help children see the world from their play. Check out my blog ‘25 Affordable Ideas For Wonderful Sensory Play’ for more ideas to develop fun play ideas to talk about race.
Children - 6-11 Years
There are so many day to day activities that we do that we can turn into learning experiences. For example, in that Thai restaurant, it's right to correct the girl that the workers were probably from Thailand, explaining this is a different country to China, with a different language. Once home, you could find the countries on a map or globe and see where it takes the child's mind.
Please check out your child’s book collection. Do they have a good representation of people from diverse backgrounds, races, cultures, abilities etc? Do they celebrate differences and represent your own child’s heritage and the cultures of other children in the community.
If you’re reading a book to them and come across that has racist remarks, don’t just put the book down, use it’s as a learning opportunity on appropriate language. Explain why older books like ‘Peter Pan” are hurtful for Native Americans, or The Secret Garden, is blatantly racist.
Model behaviour that shows children how to interrupt microaggressions with use of appropriate language around race and show them how to go about discussing racial discrimination and racist comments from others.
Use diverse books as a way to open up a conversation with a 6 or 7 year old and give them a reference point. It’s important that there’s a range of people from different cultures, races and skin tones across all of their media too. Read this blog 7 Ways To Raise Race Conscious Kids’.
Teens and Tweens - 11-18 Years
Speak with your kids about what’s happening in the world and discuss why and what you're learning, for example white privilege or other terms we’d not heard before. It’s important to make it clear to your kids that this will take time and that this is a lifelong journey.
Encourage your child to talk about race when big events are happening in the world and check in with them about any worries or questions they may have. Don’t worry if you’re unsure of the answer but don’t guess, go away and research to help you all show up.
Youngest’s chosen to actively engage in this topic, choosing it for part of his English GCSE. He’s researched and written a speech about American Black History and the Civil Rights Movement. He’s worked so hard and was so engaging, he was able to answer our questions so eloquently.
Using opportunities like this can extend their understanding around the topic. Together we watched some amazing resources (links below), to help him narrow in on his key point. From this he’s understood how it all links back to slavery. My advice is to always be led by your child.
As a White mother, I’ve explained terms to my teens that I believe they need to know, even ones I’ve only just discovered them. This can be challenging so explain so if you’re not sure about the meaning of a word or acronym, take a little time to learn it together or get back to them.
Please visit my Pinterest board ‘Resources for Secondary School Learning’ for more ideas to talk about race with teenagers and great books for extending their knowledge.
“When children ask these questions, all they need to hear is that “When you love someone, it doesn’t matter what colour they are” or “Friends come in all colours. As long as they’re nice, they can be your friend.”
Recommended resources to help you talk about race
* Disclaimer: this blog post contains affiliate links and any purchases made through such links will result in a small payment for me with no cost to you.
Lanka Kade Girl Doll - Black Skin & Black Hair - Suitable from Birth. Available in White and Brown tones. Boy dolls are also available, such as this Lanka Kade Boy Doll - Brown Skin & Brown Hair.
I Have a Dream: Martin Luther King and the Fight for Equal Rights - Book for 9-12 years
Coming to England by Floella Benjamin - Book for 8-11 years
Amazing Grace - Book for 5-8 years
To prepare for your own educational journey, I recommend these great resources:
SHOW UP AGAINST RACISM - fromprivilegetoprogress.org
BLACK LIVES MATTER - blacklivesmatter.com
Becoming By Michelle Obama - Available on Audible
Read This National Geographic article about talking about race
I’m building a collection of these great articles, books and resources on my Pinterest account. Find the most appropriate tools for you by going to my boards. Look for ‘Resources for’, Resources and Rewards for’ and ‘Family Communication’ boards. Click here to visit my Pinterest Page.
Final Words
To help our children understand we need to take action with our own learning, knowing it’s a marathon.. By understanding your child's schools practices, you can support them. I hope the tools and resources I’ve shared here help you lift up different races and cultures in every aspect of your life..
We can guide our children in being both sensitive and brave when asking questions to learn more, and feel safe to talk about race and racism. We need to be accountable for the action we take even those who’ve skim read.
We have to unlearn the false sense of security that colour blindness gives us but also know becoming antiracist overnight is unattainable. There’s so much to read in this blog because this is a project where I’ll be writing more along my journey.
“Whatever you have been doing… commit to more… Use the privilege and power you have... to amplify Black voices and speak up in white spaces to bring about real change.”
Please be kind and respect that this is a site for supporting Mums and families mental and physical well-being. I welcome any other ideas you have for positively talking about race, in the comments.
Stay Safe
Laura 💜
P.S. I’ll be adding more blogs about communication which will support your family discussions, without letting anxiety beat you. So you don’t miss anything please sign up to my Strong Mum's Mailing list here or at the end of the page.
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