Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned
Autumnal Growth: What Happens When Old Relationships Are Burned
This October has hit me hard with one of those feelings so familiar: chronic illness relationships and trust. I believe we go through seasons of connections and I’ve been burned too many times. So I’ve taken control before suffering any long term damage.
As Autumn brought in the harsh weather, I protected myself by starting the bonfire season early; burning the array of gorse and heather. This patchwork quilt of friends living with or without chronic illness, is in need of stimulation for regrowth.
These are my thoughts on the consequences of ending old relationships with friends and connections in online communities and changing up other relationships so I only have those that I need in my life.
This is my first post joining in with the October link up hosted by Sheryl Chan of A Chronic Voice. Thank you to Sheryl for hosting this and I look forward to joining in. Please check out the other great posts in the link up.
The prompts this month are:
Producing
Acquiring
Switching
Disappointing
Forming
Producing
This year has been hard on all relationships. Families aren’t used to spending this much time together, so time to reflect is more important than ever. Improving our weaknesses and celebrating our strengths makes us more productive.
Friendships are harder work, especially for those with chronic illness who have more challenges. Friendships fail in normal times because we cancel at the last minute, get unwanted advice or it’s too much work. When mine fail, they usually seem to fade.
To me a good friend is one who produces some kind of chocolate when you see them or a great GIF online. With chronic illness in the middle, listening is key. Read this article to understand more about losing friendships when you live a chronic illness.
This month I’m producing my first product to support mums with anxiety and chronic illness. I've been procrastinating over it and couldn’t work out why until hang-ups from old relationships triggered my anxiety. Read my blog about coping with anxiety here.
Sign up to my Strong Mum’s Mailing List to get access to my free guide on grounding techniques to reduce anxiety. Check out my free resources here.
I’d reached out for support from one online community, but the response gave me flashbacks to the hurt I’d felt in old relationships. I didn’t know I was still harbouring so much pain; a small thing became a big thing and pushed me off my intended path.
I didn't know why this had agitated me so much so I spoke to my husband about it. As we discussed my thoughts, I linked it to a past experience when Joel had had to communicate for me as it blew up rapidly. He protected me and I left that group.
Joel’s always there for me in times when I’ve struggled to cope. He’s shown such support for what I produce, especially on the blog. He’s proof that relationships can last the change of the seasons of chronic illness, by adapting and growing together.
Acquiring
The expectation of acquiring peace from how I’d been treated in the past, didn’t last long. I remembered how I’d trusted blindly and sought out a confidante. It stung as I relived how they’d discarded me and then rewritten history, with me as the bad guy.
The betrayal I’d felt from the breakdown of this and other old relationships is more deep rooted than I thought it was. Read this article on how to actively deal with betrayal. I told Joel and my best friend, Sam, how I felt about both situations.
They suggested that a group wasn’t the place for me to show such vulnerability. This hit home. I knew I’d let myself trust in a one sided relationship again. This felt like the rug being pulled from under me but I knew deep down that this wasn’t the same as before.
I’ve lost so many people that I thought I could trust since becoming ill. I know this happens when chronic illness makes the rules but I struggle to understand it. Saying that, I have acquired a deeper understanding of my role in friendships.
I put so much of myself into a relationship and I always put others' needs before my own and this is a problem. This latest incident really has shown me that I need to put my needs first. So I’m acquiring a more balanced approach to online connections.
Switching
Taking time to reflect on these things is the most important way to grow and make better decisions. Learning from my mistakes and successes helps me switch up what’s working and what isn’t.
Understanding how old relationships have affected me when they die, has shown me I need to stick to my values. I’ll always be loyal, trustworthy and brutally honest at times but I need to place more emphasis on what I need to flourish.
So I’m switching up how much energy I put into the communities that I’m part of. I’m doing a relationship audit to ensure that I stick to the online groups I need and I’m actually being selfish and considering what I get out of being a part of each group.
I’m also switching up how I spend my time interacting in these groups. I have so little energy that I need to pace myself and in the past I haven’t done this well. This is where I’ve let myself become vulnerable; offering more to others than I should have.
This has left me in a position of weakness as I’ve spent time helping others and ended up with a low stock of energy for myself. This leaves me with so little time to create and now this is my business, I have to plan my time so I can be productive.
I’m going to make sure that my time is valued by those I share it with. So I’m switching up the time I spend in groups, focusing on new connections with other chronic illness bloggers, who can help me grow, and with frazzled mums I can give a voice to.
“There’s only one thing more precious than our time and that’s who we spend it on”
Disappointing
As we go through the seasons of chronic illness we have disappointing periods. Our brains are wired to focus on negatives, which is why we worry about the things we didn’t do instead of what we achieved. Read about my chronic illness in this blog.
I’ve been disappointed by so many people claiming to support me since I became ill:
The ‘best' friends of 10+ years who’ve abandoned me because I couldn’t go out socially.
The Carers I’ve allowed into nearly every aspect of my life, who ditched me for asking them to change how they did this or that.
The owners of the chronic illness group who gave me a ‘safe space’ and used what they knew against me.
The spiny thorns of these old relationships cut so deep, I had a strong emotional reaction after showing my vulnerability again. Just like Gorse used to be treated, we should only have as many relationships as we can carry, to avoid over-exploitation.
I felt dismissed by the lack of understanding of how my IIH affects my understanding, leaving me exposed. It’s disappointing that I didn’t protect myself better. Choosing to use a ‘safe space’ again after my previous betrayal has been a harsh reminder.
But I needed to see this from a new perspective. My husband reminded me the group has evolved from its original cluster. I also had a long absence this year due to my new diagnosis, so new members don’t know me. It was disappointing but not harmful.
I have trusted friendships within this group and from others who are important to me. Having relationships with others living with chronic illness is important. We both know where support is in hard times, so I’ll focus on these to avoid future disappointment
“I was always fraught with guilt and it’s such a waste of an emotion. It keeps you out of the moments of being where you are”
Forming
Despite all this disappointment I’ve been reminded of how lucky I am to have formed friendships with people I trust completely. As the unhealthy friendships weeded themselves out of my life, I discovered the friends that would always be there.
Reminding ourselves that we don’t have to accept the negatives is vital. We can rewire our brains with positive messages, such as making a point of focusing on all of our wins, forming little nuggets of gold. These are my golden moments this October!
This Autumn I’m headed towards my 7th year of chronic illness, in the midst of shielding during the pandemic. This year I’ve been forming even tighter bonds with my trusted circle, despite the months that have passed without contact.
This Autumn is the 2nd with my carer/best friend. We see each other every weekday and it’s a form of therapy for us both. After forming a support bubble with Sam we've developed a relationship more like sisters, which will bring comfort in the months to come,
It isn’t just these old relationships that I can rely on. There’s support in many guises so my new focus is on forming new natural friendships within the groups I enjoy being in. It’s important that I stay protected but I need to have that social contact.
“Make new friends, but keep the old; Those are silver, these are gold.”
A Lifetime Of Pruning To Reach The Friendship’s Buds
It seems that over a lifetime of both new and old relationships; Autumntime is when we prune back what isn’t necessary to make way for the relationships that matter. This helps them grow better in the future months until they come to fruition.
I have gone through so many emotions, stemming from one small incident that I blew way out of proportion. Maybe we need these little fires so we learn that we need to protect ourselves and manage our expectations.
Having a brain condition is a constant journey. Maybe I spend my life on an avenue of disappointments, acquisitions and productivity, forming new pathways so I can switch up as I grow. This October will allow me time to choose where I head.
I know how lucky I am to have Joel in my life, especially as so many don’t make it through the tough times. I believe that being open to positivity and talking about what we want to achieve, as well as what we have, only strengthens our bond.
As I assess my connections to replace the dead wood and celebrate my companions, I’ll be surrounded by an arrangement of characters. I want to sense the myriad scents and colours of heathers and bright yellow buds of the gorse.
I want to laugh with friends until our bellies ache, share sarcastically witty responses and give and receive comfort when sad or angry. I want us to be equally supportive, non-judgemental, loyal and honest to the core. I want to be a good listener and have fun.
I want to create strong foundations with new friends and build strength in my old relationships, whilst remembering to protect myself. I desperately want to hold a conversation without wandering off the beaten track and losing my destination.
I want to head towards this harsh winter knowing I have friends and family I can rely on and make sure I’m a dependable friend for them in return. Maybe it takes adversity to find the real beauty in the relationships we have.
My Recommended Reading List
These books are what I recommend related to this topic. These show a range of relationships and I hope that they can support you in your own relationship problems or show you how to build stronger bonds in friendships or with your partner.
How are your friendships? Do you need to do a friend audit? Tell me in the comments.
Stay safe,
L 💜
P.S I can help you out yourself first by creating personal wellbeing strategies using my free wellbeing plan. This will help prioritise your own needs, such as building self-esteem and making time for self care or doing the things you love. Or if you want to get on a waiting list for updates on my first ever well-being journal, please sign up to my Strong Mums mailing list here
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